ONE IN A MILLION

One For The Record Books

2009-04-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

I will forever revel in the best April Fools joke pulled on my kids...ever. Yes, they are only 10 and 9, but statistically as I get older I lose my mind and they get sharper, making me the fool from here on out. Let me set the seen... I recruited 3 different male co-workers to help me devise the best prank ever. I choice the male cohorts for their stereo typical prankster behavior and knew they would get it. However my hypothesis was incorrect because it was I who discovered the prank that will be a story told from generation to generation. I guess that means I have finally worn into the "pants of the family" position well. I will only give part credit to my subscription of 'Family fun' magazine. If you do not know what I am talking about then you're on your own as I really like the credit I have taken so far, after all I paid for the subscription, which means somehow my use of creativity to use something I saw on their pages is still deserved.

I had to go to 3 different stores to obtain all the ingredients. The fish sticks were really sugar wafer cookies, frosted with peanut butter, then rolled in crumbled corn flakes, the pea's were Airhead taffy candy broken into small pieces and rolled into balls and the orange soda was orange gelatin. I consulted with one of the above mentioned co-workers on how to "make" such dinner with the kids around. I came home, pretending to be tired and irritated and just needing my space, requesting with a hint of begging them to go outside and play, that I would call them when dinner was ready.
When dinner was ready... this is how it went down.

The boys sit down...staring at this plate of food, I am sure contemplating on whether going to bed hungry might actually be the better alternative at this point.
Kace: Is this a granola bar?
Mom: No, its fish stick's, just try it, it wont kill anybody.
Kace: Cris, don't say 'Ewww I don't like it' because than you're going to discourage me and I'm not going to try it.
(kace grabs BBQ sauce and starts putting it on his plate)
Cris: Ewwww
Kace: Cris! Are you dumb! You Dummy!
Cris: yuck!
Kace: CRIS! I tried to try it and every time you go "eeeww"

The boys still stare at the plate for a while and then realize that they can drink their orange soda to kinda delay a little longer...
sip..sip...slurp..sip... nothing is coming out, I'm trying SOOO hard to not bust up.

Kace: Something is caught up in my straw

Just then Cris pulls out his straw from his drink.. a little bit of Jello is attached to the straw. he investigates then looks at me.

Cris: JELLO?!!! (starts laughing)You tricked us!
Cris: wait a second, these aren't fish sticks! Kace, these aren't fish sticks they're too hard, they should be cooked and they smell like peanut butter!
Cris: APRIL FOOLS! That's why!
Kace: Mommy! (joins in the laughter) I put BBQ sauce on my plate!
Kace: Wait? Does that mean these are pea's?
Mom: eat a pea, they're really good for you
Kace: Cris, they're sticky
Cris: There FROZEN PEAS!
Mom: No, put them in your mouth

Cris puts one in his mouth and contemplates for a moment...

Cris: What are these?
Kace: HEY! this isn't fish sticks!
Mom: what is it?
Kace: Its those nutter butter bars we just bought and that means you used all of them!
Mom to Cris: are those good pea's?
Cris: THERE NOT PEAS! (laughing hysterically)
Mom: then what are they?
Cris: I can't tell (as he ponders the flavor in his mouth)
Cris: THERE AIRHEADS!
Mom: April Fools Guys!
Cris: Thanks!
kace grabs a pea and says " I can't believe these weren't pea's"
Cris: yeah because they're good!

This was a dish that was consumed in its entirety.. the plate below is Kace's a few of his "pea's" rolled into the BBQ, therefore surrendering them to a very untasteful demise and were sacrificed to spare a real "ewww".

Nothing Fabulous, but the best things come in Simple

2009-03-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

The last few days of the Spring Break The boys and I hung outside to just enjoy the slight grey sky and last bit of freedom of 'doing whatever we wanted'.
So I took some pictures to share, unfortunately they are not 2 things.... 1.They were not taken by my amazingly talented sister and 2. my kids just don't know how to let a picture be natural, if they see a camera they are going to ham it up for all they got!

Kace may have a future career as a professional ball player

I loved this pic of Cris, his feet remind me of a fancy ballet move he could be doing prior to an amazing jaw dropping dunk, however the poor guy had to have the basket lowered to "little Mexican" size. A true replica of his dad, ah well as long as you can reach the pedals in the car your good!

Ah yeah, I can smell the career now.

he may not be able to make a basket but he can fly!

Could this be a moment of brotherly love?

ah yes, so cool

This picture reminds me of johnboy...enough said.

A Splashing Good Time

2009-03-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

Yes I know the title is cheesy, but it fits our Spring Break appropriately. I wanted to go on a vacation, but since the economy stinks and I don't make million dollar bonuses like some people I decided on something closer to home..a staycation as they are being called these days. The boys and I adventured off to The Great Wolf Lodge... Oh man the blast we had! The hotel stay isn't the cheapest thing, nor is the food located inside the lodge, but we made it work. I purchase and packed some items that could be made for lunches and breakfasts' back in the room. (a micro and fridge in the room) that allowed for us to spend more money on souvenirs and other activities. The fun began the minute we walked in the door where we were greeted with chocolate covered marshmallows on a stick as we waited in the check-in line. The picture above is of Kace and Cris instantly putting on their swim gear in a more 'dorky preteen- before girls are cool' boy fashion... if you have seen enough of Sponge Bob Square Pants that picture reminds me of Sponge Bobs idyllic superhero's... Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.The fireplace in the main lobby, notice the strategically placed wolves and the antler chandelier... that's fancy stuff right thar This pic is in the lobby, behind the boys is ginormous windows that allow you to see into the water world of funThis is a mid shot of the 1000 gallon water bucket on top of the water fort dumping... Im not sure how fast it takes to fill back up and dump but on the opposite side of fort is 2 water body slides and you got this huge bucket dumped down atleast 3 times while waiting in line, there is a sign in the front area of the fort to not hold or bring small children or infants in that area... I can only imagine it would result in their immediate drowning, the boys and other kids would lay down on the ground in front and wait to be plummeled by this blast of waterBehind the fort is a whole lot of stairs, to get to the best water ride ever you had to climb 6 flights of stairs, we hopped in our 4 person tube and slide down a dark tube only to have it open up into a "tornado" where we went high up on one side and back down to go high up the other side...Cris cried and laughed at the same time, now thats what we call a rush... the line was a horrible disneyland line though, but worth it everytime we went on it again and again.This is the milder part of the park where a lot of the younger crowd hung out, behind that is a hot tub that has a wall that opens to connect an outdoor hot tub to the indoor one.The Wave Pool... not that I was smart enough to take the picture while the waves were actually in motion...which is why below is a pic of Cris waving at me in the wave pool ;)There was so much more than the water park, although it was hard to get away, we took advantage of the arcade And a very trendy adventure to play... you buy a wand and it activates pictures, to trees, animals and treasure chests all over the lodge. It is interactive and takes you on 14 missions throughout the first 5 floors (there are 8 total and waiting for an elevator was slower than climbing up and down 5 flights of stairs) Each floor was named something and the walls were painted to resemble the place that it was... we spent a good part of our last day doing this.
The boys are receiving instructions on one of the missions I know there is a lot of pictures but not the ones I feel can really give the girth this place deserves as I was more busy having a blast with the boys.

Fools Gold

2009-03-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

Consequences, that's the lesson today boys and girls. We set our Leprechaun trap and we got a sweet surprise and a not so sweet surprise, or I did at least...the boys didn't seem fazed either way besides their new found 'gold'. Cris calls me and exclaims that the Leprechaun left them dollar coins! and left me a big mess... ah man.. .the little green...wait til I get my hands on that short stack... Kidding, kinda. it was pretty cool to be attacked in Green and to be left a fun surprise!
Here is the trail he left across my living room floor... All the way at the top of the book shelve is where we found our gold 5 One Dollar coins each. The boys loved it... I secretly hope this is not a tradition, but I do admit it was fun! ;)

To Catch a Leprechaun

2009-03-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month I was reading the 'Family Fun' magazine in the dentist office (I know fun and Dentist do not belong in the same sentence together) anyway the March issue had been attacked by Leprechauns and so they included a few good tips on how to catch a Leprechaun. We decided that we were going to make one of these snazzy little traps and see if we cant catch us a little luck. So here goes nothing... an over sized Leprechaun hat... it is said that they are pretty full of themselves so we made a hat to tempt him with, and if that wasn't enough..a little bit of gold should due the trick and for good measure a few rules...rules the Leprechaun would surely love to break.

We took a empty oatmeal container and covered it in green felt leaving the top with slits in it so when he reaches the top to reach the gold we leave him he will fall in and WaLa..we will be proud owners of a pot 'o gold.

Don't forget the rules: #1- Don't leave any gold #2- Don't steal our gold #3- Don't leave foot prints on our table. yes please NO footprints on the table... I beg of you.

The original directions in the magazine shows a ladder made out of sticks, but seeing as how the sticks around our house are not to be used in that matter...we are collecting them and how dare we use them like that (see previous entry this month) than we got creative and borrowed the ladder from our Lincoln log set, its a tad shy of the top, but I am certain the little guy will jump up only adding to his demise of falling into our faulty top and trapping himself... this plan is solid.

Stay tuned tomorrow to see if we catch him. I cant wait! Cris asked me what kind of car I want as I will surely be able to get it once we get our pot of gold... sweet! crossing my finger and wearing my green proudly lets hope it works!

Good looks and Brains!

2009-03-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

The boys and I have had a "Brilliant" day so far. Kace notified me that OMSI was having a free day to celebrate Einstein's birthday. I did a little research and it was a OSHU brain fair that OMSI sponsored, so I decided it would be a good day to do something inside since it is, yup, raining again.
I had wanted to see their DaVinci exhibit anyway, Come to find out it was only the OHSU brain fair portion that was free so we stood in line to purchase our tickets to the remaining part and as we stood in line a lady with 3 kids herself approached me and stated that she had a family pass that allowed for 2 adults and 5 kids and wanted to know if we would like to get on her pass. Like anyone will say no to saving 30 bucks right? It was awesome! I love the random acts of kindness that people do and that one is definitely a cool one. I myself am a holder of a few family passes to other places around town and now will be passing on my "pay it forward" when we go to these places.

The boys working on a Mad Scientist Experiment

These are real brains... the boys decided not to stay too long at this portion of the Brain Fair..the crafts and candy was definitely more their style.

One little... Two little...

2009-03-04T21:14:00.000-08:00

It started innocent enough, Cris was attached to a stick that he found while we were hiking one day. I let him keep it, it was harmless and I honestly thought I could hide it in a corner until he forgot about it.
Let this serve as living proof that you can not ignore or hide a little thing, because it will grow into something bigger. I went up to the boys' rooms this evening to collect dirty clothes that somehow crawled out of the dirty clothes hamper and onto their bedroom floors...and this is what I found...

I guess he has a collection going now, or he has blueprints somewhere to build a fort, either way they are getting bigger and I am just not sure what to do with a piece by piece tree in my house. I'm laughing I really am, but for those of you that know me, I am also wincing inside. Sticks! and they're getting bigger! so I wanted to count them...... 13! a bakers dozen, but wood! What a silly kid!

Back in the Old Days

2009-03-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

Our house has been busy with school projects, and I don't really mind...it is fun for me too, it brings back the memories and gives me and the boys some fun time together. I like it when I am able to help them with homework and we can enjoy time together.
Lately it seems that as our kids get older they bring up a lot of the "when you were a kid" or "is that how they did it when you were younger?"... I find it humorous because we did the same thing to our parents... you know "back in the old days".

So kace has been learning about the Colonies and the Revolutionary War. For a project they had to write articles as if they were writing the headlines for that time period and to obviously show what they learned. So a trick to making the papers look like they are older than dirt, or as kace put it 'these look like the real Declaration of Independence- did they have this kind of paper when you were growing up'....uhhh no, my child, but thanks for making me feel old... yet again:)
I was given a ginormous box of Lipton tea. I am not a fan of the regular stuff, but didn't feel like being rude so I accepted it, little did I know how handy it would be... I made a big cup of the worlds strongest tea(10 tea bags to be exact). I let the tea sit for a bit then we proceeded to yellow our paper.

Of course there was strict parent supervision in adding the finishing touch of the burnt edges... (it was I who played with the lighter the entire time, and even burnt myself a time or two, inhaled a few paper ashes and had a burnt smell in my house for 2 days.) Totally fun...just don't tell the boys;)

Growing a Poor Man's Garden

2009-03-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

The boys had a Science fair a few weeks back. Entering the Science Fair was mandatory for Kace at his grade level, but Cris had a choice and he chose to do it, because he was offered to skip 2 weeks of homework if he entered. Little did he know that still meant some sort of work needed to be done. I saw this really cool activity come across my email a while back so I proposed the idea to Cris... he loved it and wa la we were off to making a mess, mixing chemicals and growing what I like to call a poor mans garden. It is actually called a 'Crystal Garden' I call it the poor mans garden because this fun experiment became popular during the depression... how appropriate considering we are sitting in the middle of a recession... wow, its like a history lesson too! A lesson on how history repeats itself. okay getting off track.
We started off mixing salt, water, ammonia and laundry bluing... we found some porous objects... a Sponge, cork and charcoal briquette. Oh and the colors are from food coloring to try and make it cooler.

Day 1... the beginning... please grow, please grow!

Day 2- the sponge and cork taking off like wild flowers

day 5- The Charcoal had awoken and started to bloom prettier than the others... proof something so dark and dirty can be beautiful. Also notice how it is growing on the wall of our container... its plastic, I guess it too was porous enough to grow on.

Cris at the Science Fair... he had his photo taken for the District newsletter, the school newspaper and is going on to the District fair. He had a lot of good responses, over 200 other experiments and one parent came back up to him after looking at them all and said "if there was a prize tonight you should get it, because yours is the best here"... that makes a mom proud.

And I was lucky enough to be doubly proud that night... Kace did an experiment on if age affects how a person sees in the dark. He wrote it wonderfully and we made this dark box to simulate a person walking into a dark room to see how long it would take a persons eyes to adjust and if they could see any of the objects on the back wall in the box. The hypothesis was that it takes an older person longer because just like the rest of our bodies, we are getting worn out. This amazing kid got an A...rightfully so.

tag your it! What?

2009-01-22T18:14:00.000-08:00

So okay I am not the up to date queen of Internet, I am sure I have a windows media player that is outdated 3 times over, I don't own a digital camera and I cant figure out how to put a play list on my computer let alone on my blog page... which brings me back to this... I blog...occasionally. I am not fully addicted to it, but do wish I did it more, I just need a little more time and just a little bit more excitement in my life so I dint snooze the living hell out of everyone. I recently joined FB and it just put me back that much more on keeping up with my blog. Facebook moves at the speed of light and if you miss an hour, you can miss like 20 updates, who has all this time? I only got 24 hours in the day and I like my sleep, so that leaves..well you get the idea.
But thankfully my twin has an amazing knack for blogging like it was coke up an addicts nose (I know probably not the best analogy, but gotta be me.) So I got a notice on FB from the good 'ol sister and it said she tagged me from her blog to mine... I will be honest, I didn't get it, then I went to her blog and read it...ah, I got it now... kinda. So here it is and I don't know if I am suppose to pass the tag on after I do this, but since she tagged pretty much everyone I know, I am going to leave it to this, and I guess try and blog more in the future :)

6 things I am thankful for:

1.) My Family: I know, how original right? but truly who else can love you when you mess up so many times, who can shrug off the cuss words that fly out of my mouth, or the gazillion times I end up at someones door step to borrow or use something or have them listen to me. They include me, maybe a little because they feel bad for me, but they make me feel welcome and loved.... NO MATTER WHAT. Yeah a big family is awesome.

2.) Agustin- My Ex-Husband: we get along delightfully, talk more than we did in our marriage and most of all... love and support each other for every step in the boys lives. Even if it doesn't necessarily concern them he listens, supports and provides. I know what a great guy he is and what a great dad he is... we are still learning and taking care of each other, even if it isn't on the marriage level, He is one amazing guy.

3.) My Boys: They are the most patient, loving children, they truly are something amazing. They understand our schedule, they help out immensely around the house and are great with the routines we have in place to make things simpler on us all. They understand that money cant buy the love we have and no matter what, we will always have each other and stick together. They are respectful of each other, and amaze me every day as they remind me that they love me, as they compliment me telling me I am a good mom and I am doing a great job... wow, how humbling and what a great support.

4.) My Father in Heaven: Who has helped my parents raise us in the light of the lord and given me the knowledge of the church, faith, family and love. Who loves me no matter how many times I am on my knees with mercy, who listens, comforts and supports me. I don't even have a word for that.

5.) Humor: What a great ability to have humor in your life, to laugh at yourself and join others in such a contagious and fun mood changing thing. Its hard to be upset or depressed when a laugh is creeping up on you. Best enjoyed with others.

6.) My own space: no matter where I make it, or when I take it... me time is something I will never take for granted. Everyone needs company, everyone needs someone in their life, but to have that all important ME time is something I truly have to be thankful for.

Clark Kent vs. Superman

2008-12-29T18:28:00.000-08:00

So a little over a month ago, Kace and Cris had a cheesy routine vision test at school, Kace failed the first time so the stupid volunteer had him take it again with the same letters and lo n behold he passed... imagine that?

Anyway Kace had recently been complaining about how things further away were more blurry in his right eye and if he closed his right he could see things in better focus. So I took my hunch and made an eye appt for him. It was a joke, or at least I thought it was.. I was in the room and silently reading the same eye chart with him (with my glasses on of course)and he blew it big time, I had to look a few times to make sure we were looking at the same chart. He got only one letter correct. So after a series of tests Kace became the newest member in the Wise family to inherit the 4 eyes trait. He seems pretty cool with it and that is good for me, we went out and bought him a cool case and he got 2 pair (one is a back up and it also came with a sunglasses attachment) and for a kid...that's pretty cool.

Agustin thinks it is the end of the world and Kace is now damaged goods thanks to my family genes, but I think it just adds more character to him (of course a mom would say that right?) Kace is near-sighted and his right eye is 20/75 and his left is 20/50... look out world... There is a new Clark Kent in town!

Amen. Can I have some Luck with that?

2008-12-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

So there are a gazillion tree's that look like this around my house, all covered with ice and snow, and too old to probably handle it, so the other day my neighbor in front of my place was nice enough to knock on my door and advise me that she heard the tree cracking all night long and about 8 years ago it fell on a few cars, so if I felt the need to move my car, that I could park it in front of her place. I went out there to discover a huge branch laying next to my car and decided to take her up on her offer. That is however, how I got my car stuck and my chain snapped, but heck, at least a tree didnt fall on it... yet. So I lasted only one day of going nowhere and the panic of finishing up my Christmas shopping really got to me, and I 'rigged' my chain that broke the day before and put it back on my car. The red Duck Tape in the picture is my handy work. (I dont want to brag, but it worked and I am actually super proud of myself) If it hadnt of course I would be one of those idiots stranded out there that everyone else is honking at and flipping a certain finger.
As I am putting on my newly taped chain on my tire though I am still parked in front of my neighbors house, my car is running so the windows can defrost some of the ice before I take my window scraper to it, and I hear this loud crack! I look up to see her gutter swinging right for me! I jump to the right and turn around to discover that a branch from a tree across the street from hers had snapped and pulled down some power lines that swung across the street and attached to her house. The power line managed to stay attached and she didnt lose her power, but it hung low with one of the smaller branches still dangling from it. I look at her house, and I look at the power line dangling, then I look at the big branch sitting in front of my car where I once stood. I just kinda stopped to take it in, and didnt realize that a lady up the hill (in ski's) and a guy shoveling his car out across the way also stood shocked and dumbfounded like me. And just as quickly as it happened the guy went back to work on his shoveling and the lady continued to ski down her hill, just then the neighbor came out of her house and started making small talk with me, I asked her if she didnt hear all that from inside her house...she hadnt and once she looked up, she was not happy to find her gutter swinging in the air with her electricty potentially ready to pull its own plug. I really wanted my car out of there and even managed to joke with her about how, I think my own parking spot might actually be safer, and I am taking the risk and parking back there tonight. I guess if a tree is going to fall on me or my car it might as well just do it already, just let me make sure I have 'tree' coverage on my insurance first. (which I do...I checked...whew)

This picture shows the hanging powerline in the middle and off the the right, you can see her gutter hanging off her house, the tire marks is where my car was.
After all was said and done, I finished my shopping, my car has no snow on it, and can handle the next 3 inches coming tomorrow morning and my chains are still safely on my car, snug as a bug in a rug!

Is White A Color?

2008-12-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

This is the view off my deck. It took some convincing but Cris went out there with the ruler... the ruler sinks all the way into it, so I am guessing it is over a foot deep.
I got out of the house yesterday and even managed to put my own chains on, but when I attempted to do the same this morning, the weather, my chains and my car all decided that they were done playing in the snow. My right tire chain snapped and the tire really enjoyed spinning in a crazy, dirty snow frenzy...ah well it was fun while it lasted. I guess we will really have to make the best out of board games and hot apple cider.

All Fun and Then Some

2008-12-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

I love having Fridays off, it gives me an extra day to take care of errands and to them while the kids in school, but last Friday was a little more special. It required me to wake up earlier and actually attempt to look decent. The boys and I had a date! It was Muffins for Mom at school. We left for school an hour early and the cold chill warning was in the air, advising us of the winter storm that was creeping in. It was all worth it though as we walked into the warm gym with a nice smell of muffins. Every mom was handed a rose and we selected a muffin or two of our liking, grabbed a drink and sat down and got to enjoy each others company. It was great for me, because we are still fairly new to the school and I got to actually meet some of the parents. I am so much happier with this school and so are the boys. here are the boys at the Muffins with Mom.
For my birthday last month my co-workers purchased 2 tickets to the Nutcracker for me. I have always wanted to go to the show, I just never had a very insightful boyfriend to do so. So I got to go on opening night this year. I went with my co-worker and friend Carissa. We were so giddy and excited, both just ecstatic to watch it, not to mention to dress up and have a girls night out. The music flowing so well with every step and flutter of the ballerina's. It was truly a great event and I would love to make it a tradition, I think at first the boys may not appreciate it, in its entirety, but the story and tradition of it just appeals to me. it even started to show a little snow on my way home. Just a taste of what the remainder of the weekend was going to be.
On Saturday the boys and I were on a hunt for little gifts, Kace has a gift exchange at school and I an ornament exchange at work. We worked our way through the crowded mall and even enjoyed a cinnabon treat (the boys I mean, not me...maybe.) We weren't as successful as I hoped so we trekked over to Target and in the strip mall by Target is a pet shop. The boys asked if we could just look at the animals and I willingly agreed. The puppy's were overly expensive but definitely adorable. It was this time last year that we had 7 puppies in our home to hold and adore. I wandered off to the gerbil/hamster side because I knew they would be less expensive and easier to maintain and care for. so in the end, we left with a new family member. Let me introduce you to 'Dusty' - He is adorable, the boys are ecstatic and he is right at home with us. He is pretty darn cute, very well behaved and loves to roll around in his little hamster ball. He just goes until he runs into a wall and then he will turn around, run as fast as he can into yet another wall and he can do this for hours. I am not sure if it is because he is still a cute baby, but he sleeps through the night right now, and that is just awesome.
So the boys enjoyed the 3 or 4 inches of snow we got yesterday and I had fun making it off the hill this morning.

Look at this Girl Go!

2008-12-04T09:37:00.000-08:00

So I made it through Thanksgiving with out over stuffing on delicious comfort food. I went and hung out with my brothers. It was perfect, not too over crowded and I felt very welcomed. Nan made some 'look-out Martha Stewart' worthy deserts and even though I took home left-overs I would like to say that I did not touch any of them, but my boys and friends sure enjoyed it!

Due to the holiday and the other worthy participant's schedules, Weigh-in was delayed a few days so we weighed-in this morning and guess what?!!! Yep! This girl is on fire!
4 more pounds lost, and I don't miss them a bit! my pants are at the point where a belt is required and the only tragedy is my chest. It was fun while it lasted, I guess. LOL.

So I made it through one of the major holidays and still managed to stay on track and lose weight! This is getting easier than I thought and I cant wait for the finished product. I am up for the next challenge of Christmas fudge!

Thansksgiving is all year long

2008-11-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take this time to be sappy and grateful for all my wonderful blessings in my life, but this year alone has been a life changing year for me. I thought it was going to be life changing just because I turned 31, and a person feels like things should be progressing and really moving along when you hit the milestone over 30 like that.

For the most part I let my year get lost, I let things just "be".
Then I woke up and I have struggled the most this year than I feel I ever have, but it was all worth it. To feel what I feel, to know what I know.
I have a friend who suggests that people write things down on paper, well this is going to be my paper.. here is a list of my blessings, my accomplishments, my loves and joys, my truth, faith and heart.

I am humbly grateful for:

Kace and Cris- 2 amazing children that I was blessed to be given to me by the great lord. Who tell me every morning I am beautiful, who compliment me, who when they snap at me, come back quickly and apologize because they care about my feelings, who are a great example to me and keep me going strong.

My brothers - thank you for the good, comfortable and spiritual talks. the dropping everything to help me move, to give me a blessing, to call me and ask me how I am doing. I feel closer to you all, and forever grateful for how wonderful each and everyone of you are to me and to the boys. I cant say this enough, you are the most amazing brothers and I think this is just the beginning.

My sisters - Your examples and strengths surpass me, to send me emails, keep me in the loop and just give off the motherly, caring love that you do. I enjoy being able to catch up with you on blog's and emails. I dont want to use life and distance as an excuse to not spend more time with you, to talk with you, to share and laugh with you. I love you both very much.

My sister-in-laws - my brothers have wives just as amazing as them, if not more than. Thank you for your patience, understanding and willingness to help out where you can. I adore each and everyone one of you and so glad you are a part of this family. You all have something amazing to bring to me. I love you.

My mother - Who knows I can be quiet the handful and even heartache and worry, you still take me in, hold me up and make sure I am ready to walk back out that door again ready for the next day and what it might bring. You are simply there EVERY time I need you, EVERY time I fall, you are picking me up. I love spending time with you, sharing conversations, interests and time with you.

Agustin - I am so grateful for how we can converse about more than just the boys, that you show genuine concern with my family and provide me with updates about yours, to support me, offer help where you can and mostly for just understanding and being so great as I struggle. You make it more than about the boys and they have a terrific father.

I am blessed with:

My home - just perfect for the boys and I. We have found a place we can hang our hats and be comfortable. The kids can walk to school, have great neighbors and a pretty cool landlord.

My car - that gets amazing gas mileage and has helped me through this gas price shock. That doesnt cost much in repairs, and is low maintenance (thank goodness because I feel I am high maintenance enough)

My job- To work with normal people, not money-hungry materialistic snobs, to be able to help people that need it, to look forward to going to work every day. To just simply have a job when so many are losing theirs, And the health insurance is great!

My Health - to not have any health concerns, not a hint of a cold, to be able to continually keep moving, getting in shape and staying more fit and active for the boys and I.

The Church- For being able to have a place where I feel so comfortable, to have the truth that I was blessed to be born with. The support, the love and the knowledge that is ever growing.

My biggest accomplishment this year was that I stepped outside of the box I was living in, I took the knowledge of knowing how mentally challenging it was for me and I broke free. I couldnt be more happy, more grateful, more ready for the new tomorrows that I now have, the possibilities that I shut out before. All the struggles, the challenges, the stress was worth it for this moment to sit here and reflect on such an amazing year, to take the good and the bad and make it what it is now and what is still left to come.

The Number Is....

2008-11-17T13:54:00.000-08:00

Well today was a weigh-in day, the first one since the biggest loser office competition started. I was dreading this, simply because I know I could have been better, but when I got there and weighed in I was pleased with the outcome. There are 5 people total in this competition, 2 gained weight and 3 of us lost weight. So while the 2 who gained weight actually may have gained some muscle, they still need to pay up. $2.00 for every pound! That is $12.00 added to the already sweet pot of $250.00 so far!

My number at weigh-in this morning was 153.8... resulting in a loss of almost 3 lbs, and while that is not a big number and realistically I wanted much higher, I am satisfied, if I maintain a weight loss of 3 lbs every 2 weeks I will have lost 20 lbs at the end of this competition. now that is a pleasant number I can handle. So I am going to keep on chugging, put a little more effort into it and keep my goal in mind!

Pay It Forward

2008-11-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

"One of the most difficult things to give away is kindness, it usually comes back to you" Unknown

I am all about doing little things for people just to bring a smile to their face or as a small reminder that this world still has some good left in it. I have these cards I got from a website called random acts of kindness and occasionally I get to use them, the theory is I hand the card to the receiver of the nice gesture and they in turn pay it forward to someone else.
My point in all this is that lately I have been the receiver and it is hard for me not to be the one giving and doing. It is just who I am. So today we left the house a little late, I am driving the boys to school and no longer do I make it to the first light and I hear a loud noise, it is constant and sounds like a car I had in the old days where I had a 10" glass pack on the muffler. It is such an annoying thing to know that a noise like that is coming from a car, but worse to know it is coming from MY car.
The light signal I was sitting at turned green and it is taking me right on the freeway, it is wetter than wet out and pouring rain. I don't want to deal with this right now, but it sounds as though my car might explode. So I get on the freeway and take the first exit a couple hundred feet away. I pull down a side road off the freeway, I get out and check my 'rear' end. My muffler is still attached but it is sagging on the end where it meets the rest of the body work crap underneath. I knew it wasn't going to make it through an entire day of driving like that, but at 7 in the morning, I didn't have a lot of choices. I drove off, I made it out pass the oncoming traffic lane and sccrraatchh, damn it! I was dragging my muffler. The kids were going to be late for school and why oh why didn't this happen yesterday when I had the freaken day off? I stop in the middle of these two lanes, my hazards on, and I thought there might be a chance if I could take the muffler off that it had a chance of surviving and being re-attached, but I didn't know how to take this thing off, let alone I was not going to get my work clothes wet and dirty from the road by really getting down and looking at it. Sooo I made a few phone calls... no answers and just as I was about to make another call my little brother B calls back. He is on his way. (Did I mention what an awesome family I have, I have the coolest brothers, every single one of them and my mom and sisters are so understanding. I really got a great deal for a family)
I am sitting in this somewhat of a middle lane, the windows are starting to fog up because the sound is to unbearable to leave the car running and I make a few phone calls to work and to school to let them know there will be a delay for us. Just as I am finishing up these calls, Cris tells me that there is a car next to me, I quickly look to see this young guy sitting in a white truck. I jump out and he asks if I need help. I explain to him that my brother is on his way, but that my muffler is dragging and I would like to just get it off all the way but I don't know how. He didn't say anything, pulled his truck a little more off the main lane and walked straight to my trunk, laid down (YES I said laid down ... in the freaken rain, soaking wet ground and all!) and he wiggles and wrestles my muffler off and throws it in the trunk for me. I wanted to show him my appreciation but all I had was a thank you. He was cute though and had a great smile, so random guy I don't know, that was a truly nice thing to do this morning and I would offer to wash your pants or even buy you new ones (now that my head is more clear).And no I didn't get his number either for those of you who were thinking it.
However I know from being that kind of person that, that is not what he was looking for. I appreciate the kind and generous people of this world who don't think twice to do something that was probably so simple for them, to help out another. It really means alot to me as a receiver.

The ending is a normal one, After I dropped the boys off at school (who were not happy that they didn't get to miss the entire day) I drove straight to Midas, an hour and $120 later I have a new muffler, the old one could not be saved (probably why it wanted to fall off in the first place)
and I didn't think to take a pic of the old hanging muffler (why would I? it was raining and bleh outside) but I did however take a quick pic of my new muffler. So as cheesy as it is, here is the pic of my day today.
One less thing to worry about I guess and I am grateful that it wasn't something more major or expensive.

A Few of my Favorite Things...

2008-11-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things"...

"I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"

So things have been going pretty good lately, I feel great emotionally and physically. Today was raining the way the good 'ol Northwest should. I loved it!
I threw on my running shoes and ran, it felt so good to get that fresh rain air in my lungs, to splash in the puddles like I was a kid... I am sure I had a very kid like smile on my face while I did it too. There is something very sobering for me to run in the rain...
There a few other things that work for me that bring me to a even keel with myself.
I feel like sharing them so here goes:

* Cleaning, but after I am done cleaning sitting on the couch in the clean room and enjoying my vacuum lines, not wanting to get up, move and disturb them.

* Going through a box of pictures, looking back and remembering some old good times, and also remembering some things I have been through in the past and made it out A OK.

* Driving alone on a less driven road, listening to music, or not even listening to music but enjoying the beautiful scenery around me.

* Hiking alone or with someone, this too is something to just get back in touch with the simpler things, to see how amazing God is and what he has created. The silence of the wooded trails helps me clear my head.

* Dancing alone in my room or house to music. Music (if proper) speaks to the soul and dancing not only gives you some exercise but lets you release an inner child.

* Watching a movie by myself, sitting in a dark theater, eating all the popcorn with no other hands, really taking in the art of acting and filming.

* Doing service, whether small or big, it makes the soul feel good. It is easy to get caught up in life when things are going good, but when you stumble it makes you realize how others stumble even more, and if I help them then we both feel good.

* Reading. I love to go find a good corner somewhere and read without interruptions. Getting into the book and not wanting to put it down. When weather is nice, I would take the boys to the pool, let them play and splash and I would pick a good corner and read in the sun... got a good tan too.

* Sitting in front of a fireplace during the cold months, but especially Christmas morning, the lights on the Christmas tree with happy kids, I love those!

I am blessed.

I'm So Great They Made 2 of Me!

2008-11-06T16:29:00.000-08:00

Got Twins?

So I was going to post first thing this morning because I know my sister, the queen of posting on her blog more regularly than anyone, would once again try and steal the show....
you know what? That is my birthday present to you! I am giving you the joy of being better than me, but just this once...j/k...kind of ;)

But really now, you get the top-dog on this one. There is no way I have the skills to put every song on my playlist to a happy birthday song..oh, wait... I don't even have a playlist. To change my background to happy birthday, To add several pictures of the 2 of us, (do you have any ones where I look decent?), and especially remember all those cool things... I hate my lack of memory.

So instead of working against you.. I figured I would join you, after I clear up the fact that you pushed me out of the womb, it wasn't I who pushed my way out... after all you hogged it the entire 9 months, what was stopping you from enjoying the leg room after I was out of there? LOL.

We stole the show a lot. Here are a few of my favorite memories:

*We would mix our funny socks up and you would wear one of mine and I yours so they looked even funnier.

*We walked down the hall in Jr High School wearing dads pants, one body in each pant leg, people looked at us like we were nuts, but we had a blast.

*When you tried to chop your thumb off in shop class, I was in Science and my thumb was killing me and I didn't know why until later when I discovered what happened to you.

*We were called the 'dude twins' because we have a slightly deeper toned voice.

*We would jump across beds to the other, jumping back and forth sometimes throwing our pillows at each other, and once exhausted we would stay up late in bed talking to each other... Sometimes we would hear dads deep voice say "go to sleep".

And since you were so gracious on sharing my wonderful moments I thought I would add to those as well:

*When we would fight as we got older, I would hit you and then run with you running after me to hit me back and then turn and run like lightening until I caught up to you to pull your hair... this would go for only a few minutes and shortly we would be back in the same room and fine around each other.

*We typically dated the best friend of each others boyfriends (well usually me after you..so I guess a thank you for the boyfriend)

*We used to play with matchbox cars too (I'm not too proud to admit that)

But the best thing about my sister and being a twin is:

*You always have a friend the first day of school.

*There is always someone who understands me, even when we are a gazillion miles apart

*We compliment each other in every way

*We have the awesome automatic bragging rights of having a twin sister, and a bond that no one would understand unless they themselves are a twin.

My sister is humble, sweet, spiritual, awesome at spontaneous humor, knows how to get a good buy, creative, and a darn good writer.

Happy Birthday!
I love you and think you are the best! I hope your day was great today and know that I am thinking about you and miss you!

Ready, Set, Go will power!

2008-11-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

So today marks the day of no more eating like crap and actually doing some hardcore exercise.
It needs to be done and there is never a good time to start as there is always something that will blow it. So I already know the challenge I have in front of me as I start this a few days after our homes are blasted with sugary crap candy and we enter into Thanksgiving and Christmas...not to mention the weather does not support a healthy, active outdoor lifestyle...so yes, I have carefully taken all of these factors into consideration.

But there is a new wardrobe with a hot pair of shoes at stake! It is a competition. A few co-workers decided that they wanted to do an office type biggest loser. So we have come up with a fun individual member names, we made official rules such as no sabotaging others, no binging and purging, no weight loss supplements or surgery. Each participant put in $50.00 and we weigh-in every 2 weeks. if at weigh-in anyone gains weight there is a $2 fine for every pound. if someone misses a weigh-in they get the same weight from the last weigh-in used and a $5 fine. The competition is based off of percentage lost.
So see what I mean.... I have clothes on my mind! I will need the money from the other losers to buy new clothes!

So I weighed in today at 156.6. I will update here, every time I weigh-in. At the end I will post a before and after picture. I am sharing this on the Internet as it holds me more accountable if I do not follow through.

A few things I have started to change:
no more coffee - I now drink green tea.
no alcoholic beverages
I went shopping and was very conscious about calories, carbs, and fat.
no soda - think water, water, water.

I think I will do okay on the food part of this, it is sticking to the exercise routine, that will be my challenge....so here goes.

my name for this competition is 'Wine is not a fruit'.

Halloween fun

2008-10-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

So we have tried to go out and do some fun things this year for Halloween. First we ventured off to the Roloff Farms, and if the name sounds familiar than that means you watch the TV channel TLC, because the Roloff's have a TV crew that follows their family, the show is called 'Little People Big World' - yep the little people, I really wanted a picture and autograph for you C, but didn't want to wait in the ghastly lines for it, not to mention I am from Oregon and was not going to act like a tourist in my own state. Even though I went to the farm, I didn't act giddy and that is what counts.
I went with a girlfriend and she borrowed her friends kids so can't share any of the good pic's as it has the sweet faces of the other kids and seeing as I don't have permission from their mother I wont.
My eyes are closed and Kace looks absolutely happy about having to sit and take a picture (hence my hand on his head) ah well cant have every picture look like it belongs in a scrap-book. Cris was a happy guy, his pumpkin weighed 18lbs.
We took a guided tour of the farms, it was actually bigger in person Matt and Amy however were not(ha, that kind of made me laugh). I have a sunbeam right in the middle of me, not sure what to make of it, but yet another perfect picture for the scrapbook.
I will say I was super glad we got there early, because when we were leaving the line of cars going into the farm was miles and miles long. It was something I can say we did as not sure I would do it again.

Then 2 days ago we went to a Graveyard Tour at a local graveyard in Vancouver. It was really cool, the historical society put on the show and we went to the graveyard at night and the volunteers dressed in character of the local people from the 1800's buried there. we were escorted around the graveyard from grave to grave by candle light and greeted by these ghosts from the past while they told their stories, struggles and successes. It was truly a very cool thing to do and not scary at all. The boys were enthralled by it, the volunteers took on their characters so well.
I think I would enjoy making this a tradition as every year they pick different persons to share stories about. I didn't realize that this is a pretty popular thing to do, there are several of these around and all over the states too.

Kace and Cris are trick-or-treating with their dad this year and I already dropped the costumes off with their dad, so no pic's, but Kace is Batman (a very good looking one I might add) and Cris is Iron-Man. Too bad the beautiful NW has its typical rain forcasted- I am just glad kids don't care.

I can't help it!

2008-10-20T07:49:00.001-07:00

I got a letter in the mail from the school the other day and while I was sure it had something to do with them wanting money or volunteers for something, I was way off and really surprised when I read what I read.

I have pre-bragging rights, well maybe they are flat out bragging rights which ever way you look at it. The letter reads like this "Your child, Cris, is being considered for the Gifted Education program" ... WOW! I mean I always knew my kids were smart kids, and not to sound totally dumb founded but I would've expected that from Kace, before I saw it for Cris... I was pondering whether some of Cris' behavior portrays signs of Turrets (constantly clearing his throat and making open motions with his mouth for no apparent reason... he just has to be moving and doing something) and the school is telling me my son is smarter than his classmates. Cris was ecstatic and had to call his dad and make sure grandma heard the news. Kace on the other hand was a little upset, he knew he was smarter than his brother so how come they didn't send him a letter?

So as a parent I am taking full advantage of the fact that I have been blessed with 2 amazing boys and their talents and abilities continue to have me taken back.

Karma and Drama...are they twins?

2008-10-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

Imagine this, I wake up 15 minutes late because I am in a nice dream. Get ready and walk out the front door, it feels really good, my favorite time of year...Fall. Crisp air with a slight chill and its still dark outside... brings me back to days when I was up at 4am in boot camp to get my exercises on. All in all it was a perfect morning. The drive to work was as usual and I arrived a few minutes late, carried a short friendly conversation with a co-worker then we agreed to go across the street to Starbucks and grab a coffee. (a true excuse to continue our non-working, but pleasant environment) I am waiting for my coffee at the other end of the barista bar and just as my drink is called out, I reach to grab it and a gentlemen passing me drops his coffee!
I cursed so loud and am pretty sure I had a lot of people looking at me in the very busy morning hours. I didn't care, like always I am not wearing socks and my foot gets a taste of how hot coffee is. The entire lower half of my pants is now soaked in coffee, the guy who's coffee splattered everywhere is very apologetic and very embarrassed. I truly felt bad for him, but shamefully was focused on the fact that my pants were going to carry a brown tint on them for the rest of the day and forever if I don't get something on it to make sure there will not be stains. I was thankful I was wearing black shoes. The coffee slid right off the slick exterior and if there was a stain I wouldn't know it.
As I share this story, my pants are still wet (I lifted my leg into the bathroom sink and ran cold water on my pants). I am not moving from my desk so that I avoid questions about my pants that looked like I stepped in a toilet. My co-worker took full advantage of the humor out of it and convinced an innocent co-worker to sing I am a little tea-pot to me! I sang along and even forced a few of the movements out. Funny it was, but just not to me at this moment.

So given my recent 'drama' going on - family, you know what I am talking about. I was just curious if Karma and Drama are twins?

73 Random Things About Me

2008-10-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

73 you ask? because 73 in itself is a random number, not to mention it is the number of things I could think of about myself in a whim and lets be honest the number 100 is over played ;-)

* But as a side note here are a few random #'s about my random choice of # 73:
- it is the 21st prime number.
- Interstate 73 runs through North Carolina.
- Amateur radio operators use 73 as an abbreviation for 'Best Regards'.
- The space shuttle 'Challenger' exploded 73 seconds after it launched on 1/28/86.
- It is Barry Bonds 2001 single season home run record.

_______________________________________________________

1. Blueberry Muffin was my favorite from the Strawberry Shortcake friends

2. I love White Chocolate Mocha's (not the calories)
3. I speak Sarcasm as a second language - Japanese was too hard and Spanish just didn't blend well with my sarcastic accent
4. I believe in Fate and Karma
5. I secretly day dream of one day living a fairytale relationship
6. Yellow Starburst are my favorite candy
7. most memorable childhood nickname is: Melamber (my uncle David decided he didn't want to tell me and my sister apart from each other so he combined our names)
8. Cursing is my favorite bad habit
9. I have loved every job I have ever had
10. at girls camp one year me, my sister and some of our closest friends made a pact and named our group Ra-Mi-Ber-Da by taking the last part of each of our first names.
11. Loved the cartoon Thundercats- HO!
12. Cheetara was my favorite character sighting the similarities between me and her
13. My last name (which I kindly borrow from my ex-husband and love it) is pronounced Vee-Ya-New-Wave-Uh.
14. The English translation of my last name is 'New House' (see the obvious reason it stays in a foreign language?)
15. I briefly dated a guy named Elvis (seriously no joke)
16. I collect clowns and even have a tattoo of a clown
17. I love the smell of rain
18. I detest the smell of cigarette smoke
19. I obsessively clean when I am upset or stressed as a form of calming myself
20. Leland from the TV show "Dog, The Bounty Hunter" is hot!
21. I hate wrinkles in my bed sheets and wont get in bed until they are straightened out
22. I love listening intently to the lyrics in songs
23. I do my own french manicure and have for the past 8 years
24. I drive thru 8 zip codes on my drive to work
25. I like the way glasses look on me
26. I love the phrase "I'm Awesome"
27. I hate wearing socks, even in cold weather
28. My most treasured childhood item is a homemade carebear my mother made me.
29. I love shoe shopping
30. I own 65+ pairs of shoes and currently my favorite pair are from Blowfish
31. I fondly remember our family's car - a ford station wagon that me and my siblings nicknamed 'Saddam's Bomb' because it was as worthless as his 'scud missiles'
32. I almost died when I was 16 and my dad saved me, just by checking in on me
33. my favorite white trash event is the Monster Truck Jam - the loud thunder vibration of their engines is a thrill for me
34. my favorite season is Fall
35. Jonathan Night was my Favorite guy from NKOTB
36. I have owned 13 cars
37. I love Hiking
38. I love wearing Baseball caps and think I look good in them too
39. Have a goal of writing a published book
40. I went into the Army to keep by bad attitude, only to learn respect and humility
41. I want just one more tattoo
42. I get compliments on my handwriting all the time
43. Love Piano music
44. Last thing I ate was a whole wheat mini bagel with peanut butter - protein yum!
45. My name Amber became really popular after a 1940's novel titled 'Forever Amber' written by Kathleen winsors
46. The most popular year to name a child Amber was in 1986
47. Amber Alert: stands for Americas Missing: Broadcasting Emergency Response
48. my favorite color is Yellow, green is a close second
49. I use to draw 'tag' art in high school and was given the tag name of 'Chiza' from a friend
50. I love having 2 boys but always dreamed of having 3
51. I have moved 9 different times as an adult
52. I slept in my car almost everyday during high school and barely graduated- thanks to summer school
53. I got smacked in the nose with a Hockey Stick in high school PE a few days before prom, the guy felt so bad he offered to take me to prom with my bruised nose
54. I wish I lived closer to my twin sister- we get along better and have such a good time when we do
55. The most recent movie I saw was IGOR (cute, non-scary Halloween movie for kids)
56. I always wanted to be a cop when I grew up and still do
57. my favorite cereal is Honey Bunches of Oat
58. I went blind for a few hours as a child and regained eye sight to a big bird dancing left and right on the doctors finger
59. I sleep with an autograph bat from the Minnesota twins next to my bed for protection
60. I cant swim and too afraid too learn
61. I love fresh Vacuum lines on carpet
62. My weight right now is equal to my weight when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child (yuck)
63. I once craved chicken so bad when I was pregnant that I bought an entire bucket from KFC and ate it all by myself through-out the day.
64. I was declared the 'almighty Otis owner' by my siblings referring to our family pet Otis
65. My dad is my ultimate inspiration, my brothers are close replica's
66. I suck at remembering peoples names, even right after I was introduced to them
67. a huge pet peeve is hair on clothing - animal or human
68. I have a secret that I will take to my grave
69. I love living in Oregon more than I ever have living in Washington
70. I always wanted to skydive but too chicken to actually do it
71. the current book I am reading is title 'Judgement in Berlin'
72. my lucky charm is a pen with my dads name on it
73. I use an old, non-service connected cell phone as my alarm, because I am so use to it

Fun Blog Things- from Yameturkuri (my funky Japanese name)

2008-10-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

So I was on my sisters page and catching up with the crazy insane fien of a blogger that she is.... I left off on Wednesday so I had a lot of catching up to do. Here is something I tried out and thought it was fun... Not to mention this is pretty much me in a nutshell. I guess that I can be summed up in a made-up superhero character. Feels nice in such a crazy messed up world that my "f" bombs now have a weaponary powers! That makes me feel damn good :)

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Karate Fly

Your Superpower is Cursing

Your Weakness is Bacteria

Your Weapon is Your Lunar Torpedoes

Your Mode of Transportation is Bullet Train

What's Your Superhero Name?

True to myself.... I curse (way more than I should)
I hate germs and dirt, cleaning is my true love
I interpet the lunar torpedoes to be my moods as the moon pleases (and trust me when the moon and the stars mess with me...its soooo on.)
The transportation part has me stumped a little, but I guess when my back seat drivers tell me to slow down or look out for something that there may be some validity to it.

That was so fun for my monday!

If I Had Two Wishes

2008-09-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

I have a favorite poem, it was adapted from 'A Child's Bedtime Song' by Denis Waitley and it is something very true to me, it is something I want to give my own boys and something I want to live by. In light of my recent incident of 'parent pains' I decided that this would be appropriate. I have this poem framed and sitting on my desk at work and home.

ROOTS AND WINGS If I had two wishes, I know what they would be
I'd wish for roots to cling to, and wings to set me free;

Roots of inner values, like rings within a tree,
And wings of independence to seek my destiny.

Roots to hold forever, to keep me safe and strong
To let me know you love me, when I've done something wrong;

To show me by example, and help me learn to choose
To take those actions everyday to win instead of lose.

Just be there when I need you, to tell me it's all right
To face my fear of failing when I test my wings in flight;

Don't make my life too easy, it's better if I try
And fail and get back up myself, so I can learn to fly.

If I had two wishes, and two were all I had
And if they could just be granted by my mom and dad;

I wouldn't wish for money or any store bought things
The greatest gift I'd ask for are simply roots and wings.

To Bully Or Not To Bully? That Is The Question.

2008-09-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

okay well so I wasn't going to do this, but then I thought of a few things...well more than a few things... and I spent all day thinking about these things. This will all hopefully make sense when I am done, but first I was thinking about Ryan, than I was thinking about my sisters very good blog on Faith and then I was thinking about the kids and Kace in particular and a very specific phone call and lastly I was thinking about me. And they all came down into the same box... fitting perfectly as if I could keep them all in the box, close the lid and forget about it.

However just like my sister (blog is on the right, I cant figure out how to do a line that you can click on) I need to be tested and that is how the Lord keeps us on our toes per say. This year I did something I hadn't done in all the years my boys have gone to school, I prayed and asked for a way for them to have a "father's blessing" before they start school this year. My prayer was answered and I knew it the minute my mom announced that my brothers wanted to get together on Labor Day! I could have performed a blessing to my child and it would have been heartfelt and warm, but it was missing the main ingredient of blessings that I grew up with and that was the priesthood that the men in my family carried. Something my families religion did very well. I am not big on proclaiming my religious practices, but it doesn't mean my heart isn't there. Anyway after all was said and done only Kace got the blessing because the boys' father wasn't ever really good at honoring my requests for anything. I thought to myself though that this was going to be a good school year anyway, and it still can and will be, it just has the bumps of growing up...I forgot to ask for a "bump" exclusion when requesting a blessing (that is a joke).

So today I get a phone call, I recognize the number on my caller ID, it is a number that parents unconsciously memorize... it is the number to the school.
I answer, it is the Principal... and just like anyone in a profession that deals with family the first words out of their mouth are "your child is okay". I was thinking to myself that he might not be depending on what she was going to say, but decided not to share that with her... for normal reasons. She proceeded to let me know that Kace was involved in an bullying incident and that Kace was accompanied by 2 other boys. So 3 against 1. There are several things I could say to this and I could make an excuse as to why my son would participate in such a cruel act, but I know better than to think my children are "all mighty" innocent, I mean I hear them name calling and punching when I am just in the other room at home. I also don't want this to be written off as a write of passage for kids growing up, but the big question... how do I handle this? and let me catch you up to speed, Kace is a repeat offender and this incident happens to be against the same boy as last year. So I have a "failure" mentality hit me. I have failed, I haven't done enough to teach my children to be empathetic, to resist simple peer pressure, they aren't even in the tough teen years...I am truly doomed.

So I instantly did what a lot of people do these days. I went to the Internet in search of advice, suggestions and ways to talk to my child about this. Not to mention I just went to a convention for work where I took 2 seminars on how to talk to boys! yep not kidding and a day later I am at a lost... that worked real well. Well not an entire lost, I know that boys are given stereo types and when a boy doesn't fit in the stereo type they do their best to fit in it so they are not the ones on the "outside" that are getting picked on. Kace has always had an issue with being darker in color skin and I speculate that he is willing to point out something different about someone else to hide his own insecurities. I have known this forever and I know Kace to be a very non-confrontational kid, so he isn't about to stand up for what he truly believes in or feels if others are opposing him. BUT and that is a big but we do not tolerate this behavior. Ever.

As I am going from link to link on bullying I was really in search of ways to teach my child "the bully" on ways to stop and most everything I found was about how to overcome being bullied. I found a website; Pacer Center, National Center for Bullying Prevention, it has a very good "parent" section, and in that section is a link to a web page about a boy named Ryan, you all can visit this page by going to www.ryanpatrickhalligan.org, in short Ryan was bullied for years and at the age of 13 his depression built so high and was so overwhelming that he took his life.
It is a tragic and very sad story, especially for me and as I read it, my son who is a bully, my Kace could be the kid someday who tortures another kid so bad that the other kid, god forbid, does something to get rid of it all. So I printed Ryan's picture, I printed the story and tonight when I get home I will not go in with guns blazing (figure of speech), I will not corner him, I will not raise my voice, I will not take away a material item. I will let him hold Ryan's picture as I read this story to both of my boys (relating a story also helps boys be more communicable) and we will have a short "family Night" lesson on bullying. if Kace chooses to talk to me about it later I would be proud, if he chooses to go the higher road I will be elated.
I wont know for sure how this will go over and I don't think a stern talking to is what he needs at this time. we have had our share of stern talks, we have had our share of having privileges revoked, and last year Kace wrote a letter of apology to the boy that he taunts, nothing has set in. So here is going with a mothers instinct and here is to going in with faith, pride and courage.

Bullying Prevention Awareness Week October 5th - 11th, 2008.

An Ode to Lisa

2008-09-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about doing this last night anyway, but since Melinda hinted that I (and probably you too Lisa) don't blog enough I figured that since today is the 5th of September that I would acknowledge a few things that happened on this day in history, but THEN, as I was looking some things up I decided to change it and talk about my sister and the things that stand out about her the most.

So....

I found out that there was an attempted assassination on the president by one of Manson's followers on this day back in 1975... Mother Teresa, the most caring, giving, loving woman passed away in 1997... America Savings and Loan went Bankrupt in 1988, and the only thing positive in world history on this date was that Sweden successfully changed over to driving on the right hand side of the road. So out of all the garb and crap that this world brings the one thing still bright in the life of our family is my older sister, Lisa, who was the first born child of my parents on this day.

My favorite memories of my sister: (believe it or not have nothing to do with us intentionally losing your backpack on a California freeway,and nothing to do with my brothers giving you a nickname that we still laugh at to this day and if my brothers had there way it would probably end up on your gravestone.)
Are when you first started to drive and you drove EXACTLY the speed limit, not a mile over, and when we (your siblings) complained... you simply explained that you did not want speeding on your record in heaven as it was breaking the law of the land. I also fondly remember a dream I had and in my dream I saw a gorgeous woman, she had perfect silky hair that shined better than a model on a commercial for a shampoo product, she had teeth whiter than anything ever seen and a complexion that just simply doesn't exist here on this earth, and the next day when I saw you I realized that it was you that I dreamt about and it was how our father in heaven sees you and your amazing spirit. From that day forward that is how I saw you too. You strive to be that example to your younger brothers and sisters, you make the effort to share your love with us regardless of the things we have done to you. (like steal your new clothes.. I know there is more, but to save a little grace on us, your siblings, I will spare them)

Happy Birthday Lisa, I hope you have an enjoyable day!

To Infinity And Beyond

2008-08-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

Kace is my Space nut, he knows that Buzz Aldrin in as amazing person with so many accomplishments, he secretly ponders why everybody thinks Neil is the greatest, and if you do your research the most popular picture of the man on the moon that is so often mistaken for Neil is actually a picture of Buzz and Neil is the photographer.
In fact if Space is brought up in a conversation Kace finds his way right into it, just like my dad... I remember one time at a birthday party for some of my nieces and nephews I was looking at a wall with Planets and other things on it at the party place and my boyfriend at the time mentioned something with-in ear shot of my dad and my dad was in that conversation with-in seconds. So I really enjoy and support Kace and his love of Space, not to mention his dream to be the first astronaut to walk on Mars... They say this could happen around 2022.

Kace recently got to experience an amazing summer vacation. This year we decided that for his birthday he would get to go to Kennedy Space Center and take in all that is fascinating for him. The best part is he got to go with Grandma. Kace and Grandma get along really well and since my mom has been there before she knew what would be the best places that he would enjoy. They spent 2 entire days at the Space Center alone and probably would've spent their entire vacation there. I wasn't there to share all the things that they did together or want to even try and make sure I have the stories correct, but wanted to share the happy face of my amazing 10 year old and let him have the awesome memories of a vacation that will be forever special to just him and Grandma. Thanks Mom!!

This Sucks

2008-07-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Kace!!! I cant believe your making me so OLD!!!

So I haven't written in a while... for an understatement. Where does time go and yet what I am going to write about is totally a true testimony to where time goes... and the older a person gets the more regrets a person has about choices in the past. And moreover it just completely sucks that I am writing about this since I haven't written in a while and I didn't have the guts to simply pick up the phone.

I have an identical twin sister and her and her husband moved a gazillion miles away, which at first I was like whatever, I pulled my stubborn attitude together and used it to never talk to them again.

I liked the way Melinda put it... "mis-communication". Michal my therapist always says there is 3 sides to every story, mine, theirs and then somewhere in the middle is the truth, and not that anyone is lying or extorting the story any more than the other, just simply that each person takes a certain conversation or situation the way they want to take it, whether it was meant that way or not, and then there is the way things get handled...especially if it brings on what I call the 'mama bear' behavior. And this goes for anyone, but if I feel an attack on me and my kids I am all defense regardless of the true circumstances.... so in short since my sister moved, and before that we have not spoken in a year. I have still viewed my sisters blog, I love her kids and I love being an aunt and even though I took my crappy life situation out on them and it was misunderstood I still love and miss every one of them. I just wasn't big enough to do a damn thing about it. good thing I have the twin sister I do!

So today I read her blog, you can catch it here [http://www.howerton6.blogspot.com/]

and so famously of my sister she made me cry at work... she always knows just when to catch me off guard. Everything my sister said about sisters is true, she nailed my older sister to the T and I am thanking the heavens above she was so gracious when talking about me, because it could have been much worse and it has been. So time for me to say ...
I'm Sorry. it wasn't you, it was me. Just to name a few... how could you possibly be jealous of me? There was a hidden bitterness about our dad passing away and you still had mom, I mean you always had a better relationship with her and I felt like I got a short stick when dad was no longer here, not to mention that even though you and Cory struggled your blessings were more than I could ever want and Cory was and is a lot like the father I miss so much.
You have an amazing marriage, great and adorable kids and even though my relationship with mom is the best it has ever been, I still feel isolated from the bond I see that you have with her.
You say I am more pretty and a better dresser, but you're my IDENTICAL twin sister... so I don't see how that could be. I hide my spiritual feelings, I am more reserved about that side of things and both my sisters are much more open and warm about it, the beauty from that alone just makes you glow beyond any haircut or purse that I have to try and even feel comparable to you.
So in short, you are my better half, my example and yet a pain in the rear for making me cry and always being the bigger person and ending this stupid crap!

I love you and Cory and hope that we can all understand one another better each and every time.

Fell Off the Planet

2007-11-18T13:56:00.000-08:00

Well it almost feels that way. I have been so shy on my blog. Silly thing is when you don't have a job, it makes it easy to forget a lot of things a person used to do as a routine. I have grasped my freedom, independence and feeling stress free. Almost too much... I am bored... crazy bored sitting at home, running silly errands. All things I desired a few months ago and all things I DIDN'T have time for before. I'm really not complaining, this boredom has allowed me to search deeper... question myself, what I can do for me that I want to do just because, and my answer... GIVE. Yep, what can I give to others, for free? My Time. It doesn't cost a thing and usually I am the one still left reaping the reward of giving, volunteering and sharing. Wow, that's a great win!

I have started looking for a job, reading classifieds, checking out websites and search engines. I know that a job search can take a few months and I want to be pro-active... not stressed and panic when the money is gone. I wanted to know what was out there, what kind of job I wanted to do. I have the moment to be picky right now and what ever job I choose may be the one I retire on I want to be happy with it... so I found it. Why not get paid to help other people. There are actually quite a few jobs that could fit this. There are your public servant positions and there are your media positions... Getting a job where my nose can be in something I enjoy and where I feel I make a difference. Soooo, no longer doing mortgages... I have also realized that the pay will be less, but I feel my blessings and joys will be more rewarding.

I sent out several resumes and have already had interviews on a few. I wont know until next week the results of those, but now I am conflicted... these positions are looking to be filled sooner than I anticipated. Do I take a job early than planned? I would need to work out day care and what about my volunteer commitments?
Also Katie is going to have puppies in a few weeks and I am a little concerned if she has her puppies when I am not home... you know the "what if something goes wrong" factor....

The boys are leaving for Christmas to Mexico with their dad in 3 weeks and I want to spend the time with them until they go. I have read up on "knock em dead" resumes, cover letters and interviews, but I have found nothing on how to delay a job offer without upsetting the person who has graciously offered it.

Uggh dilemmas and they are not necessarily bad ones.

No rain on my Monday

2007-10-08T16:28:00.000-07:00

The weekend was pretty good, but my Monday was so much nicer... it was relaxing and a go with the flow kind of day. I am hoping to be moving by this coming weekend, which means no more hour and a half drives to take the boys to school, no more 120.00 in gas for a week. It's not like I have "precious time" anymore, but it means when the boys are out of school that I can have more time with them, we can get back into game night, dinner together and the routine of "our" home and "our" family.

I dropped the kids off this morning to school, we left fairly early because Monday traffic is either awesome or awful and I don't like to gamble, so we were doing great on time and no rushing necessary (which is such a mood killer for us all). I dropped the little guys off and headed back for my 45 min trip home (traffic is lighter on the trip home). I contemplated going for a run because the temperature is nice and it isn't dumping cats and dogs. I check emails, stuffed a load of laundry and my mom had a few simple projects I could do to help her out with for her classroom. I got started on those when I got a phone call from school. Cris was coughing and his eye hurt? "I think he just wants to go home" the school secretary said. I agreed with her, but he is in 2nd grade, he is a super star student and its Monday... we all need a day off just because. So I obliged to pick him up and off I go for another 45 minute drive back to the school. No run and no shower. I also didn't have it in me to go all the way back home to not only waste gas, but feel like I would be turning right back around to pick up Kace. So I evaluated Cris, game him a small dose of cough medicine I brought with me and we dorked around a shopping center, Cris played on the play structured we went to the book store and the computer store, we bought a few small things and didn't forget to get Kace a surprise treat too. It was nice. I got to sit at the play area like the other moms who are privileged to do that. I got to relax and chill and I got to spend time alone with Cris. I enjoy being able to get in individual time with each of the boys.

I have enjoyed my 2 weeks off so far, I have been searching different industries where I can take some of my related employment skills and do something new. Michal gave me homework... What I really want to be when I grow up, my words not his, but same idea. I went into the military and training for Military Police. I always wanted to be a cop, dated a few, watch it religiously on T.V., but it doesn't feel practical anymore. I am cresting 30. I have 2 boys. But it doesn't mean I can't get into something closely related. So I ponder everyday and check out every website related to job listings. I search EVERY category and read the job descriptions, waiting for a hint of excitement in me... wondering what I could do as job that would fulfill my needs and wants. I don't want to get stuck in a job just for the pay and I want to be realistic with my desires too.

Sharing...not just giving but understanding

2007-09-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

I remember almost 4 years ago I was sitting in an apartment I could barely afford, newly divorced and no sign of child support money, barely making 9 bucks an hour...a far cry from the income I was used to and not very well trained on priorities as you will discover reading on.
The apartment was clean... sparkling clean. I couldn't afford to go anywhere or do anything, the boys were with their father and I had vacuumed the floor 2 times already, went for a run and drank my breakfast... the proof was in my weight (or lack of) and under my sink... stuffed full with empty beer bottles and not cheap beer, my favorite beer which was 8$ for a six pack. I rationalized every time I bought it that I could get the 5 cent deposit I had just put down on each and everyone bottle to buy groceries with, next time when I recycled them. I always had my kids taken care of, but in my heart I knew I couldn't do it, I felt horrible...depressed... anxious... desperate and broke. I didn't want to look like a failure, like I NEEDED anyone as I was so adamant on proving them wrong. No one had said anything to my face, they didn't need to I had decided they felt this way and nothing was changing my thought. I scrounged change in my car and around the house to buy gas and the majority of my paychecks went to barely making the rent payment, daycare and groceries. My first thanksgiving I wrote a bad check, one I knew I couldn't pay just to put a meal on the table for me and the boys. I have never felt lower... waiting for a 72 hour notice to be posted on my door because I couldn't afford all the rent out of one check. I was on the verge of losing it all...

The purpose of me sharing this is that we are all human and most have gone through some type of struggle in their life... "character building" as some would put it. We all need a little helping hand... I suck at posting a link to anything but if you click on the right hand side of my blog under "pages I enjoy" and click on the top one, "behind pinned eyes" another blog I read you will discover it, the post is called "Times of Trouble". Read it, if your feeling the need to help, than please do, if you don't I understand. it is a chance for those of us who have a little to give a little. I don't ever want to be in the position I was 4 years ago and it pains me to hear of others struggling, it seems so unfair sometimes.

The First Of Many

2007-09-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

My first "work" day, first Monday without the routine of work.... It wasn't like it was just a vacation day, because I received ZERO phone calls that were work related or from my boss. Weird, yet ever so enjoyable. I got done SOOOO much of my little tasks... simple things I could just never find the time to do. I only have health benefits for myself until the end of the month so I filled a 3 month supply of prescriptions and have a "routine" dental appt on Wednesday so that if anything cant wait I can address it before it gets more costly. (I know there is back up insurance, but that is expensive)
I took Katie to get a haircut and got my nails done... tomorrow I get my hair done. (I know its really important stuff eh?) But I did some important stuff, got my oil changed and my brakes fixed. The brakes made this horrible screeeeeech sound and not even when I was braking... when I was backing up, driving forward... pretty much just in movement. I don't know a lot about cars, fixing cars, parts of cars but I do know it is a tale tell sign that it is the brakes and probably wasn't too bad because it is a fairly new car with only 25 thousand miles, but I was always driving in stop and go traffic not to mention the noise is embarrassing.
What is even more embarrassing is that I got ripped off. I am admitting that I don't know a lot about cars, I know how to shop... clothes, shoes, toys, groceries... but car stuff is not my thing. It cost me $300.00 to get my brakes fixed. the pads have a lifetime warranty the guy told me.... he didn't have to I was sold on fixing the noise I wasn't knowledgeable enough to know that was an outrageous price. So I send a text to E... my text read this.. "it is going to cost 300 to fix the brakes... yikes! I guess my car will be good for a while though". He called me SO fast. He was flipping out and when he was done flipping out on me for being so naive he called the shop and flipped out on them... telling them they flat out knew they were taking advantage of me. Of course by then it was too late for them, they were pretty much done. So now E has asked that I call him from now on before hand and run the price by him so he can tell me if it is good or not. The best part is when I went in to pay, the guy who told me it was $300.00 had his supervisor standing over him the whole time as if I was going to continue razzing him as E had. Geeze people. You already did the work and pretty much had the money how is razzing you going to do any good? besides I was now officially more embarrassed for being sold like that. arrggghhh.

Mixed Up Friday

2007-09-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

So Friday comes... mixed feelings and relief totally take over. I am feeling a little bad about the work that needs to be done, but I wont be the one working on it come Monday and that fact needs to remain in my head. It isn't my job to do anymore. I am officially unemployed and happy. Utterly happy. I am almost anxious about what to do with all my new found time. I am sure stuff will come up and fill it quickly though. I have lived and survived off of stress and go, go, go for so long that it is definitely harder to accept this slower pace as easily as I want it.

The morning went fast I was just waiting for the papers to sign and bail. It finally came, my turn to go into my bosses office (who still hasn't said much to me) I go in with a bit of a bitter ending grudge and then out comes a little blue box from behind his desk. Ladies, you all know what that is. TIFFANY'S! Holy Crap! there is something really nice in that box! I read the small card and it expressed how much he was going to miss me and to not lose touch. I started to cry.. he urges me to read the card later and open the box. So I open it. A ring I have been wanting for so long! A co-worker of mine must have told him. I couldn't fricken believe it... of course it wasn't a thousand dollars, but I wasn't expecting ANYTHING and I got Tiffany's? In all the years we have worked together successfully he chose our parting as a way to really express that (that is why I cried) why do men chose the parting part to be or do things that potentially make you change your mind?!!

So here is a pic of the ring. I love simple rings. This is a perfect ring for me.. I am so exited and love it!!!!

On and On and On and On and On

2007-09-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

that's how my days are going. I am suffering from a severe head cold. I know it sounds wussy, but this is annoying. I cant talk without sounding like I just got done smoking an entire pack of cigarettes, I cant breath, and I sniff in everyone's ear that is around me. gross and annoying.
It is my last few days of being a workaholic, so I am suffering through it so my boss doesn't think I am checked out already. I am working to the end. I don't like how things went down, but I am glad I made the decision I did, and I truly believe this head cold is my stress leaving my body. Mentally I feel great. I haven't had a break in so long, I haven't been really enjoying myself for so long and I get to do that now!
So tomorrow is the last full day...Friday we show up to pretty much get a check.
I already started my list of things I want to do almost immediately. I got to get cranking big time on my team for the Diabetes Walk this year... I will have a post on that later, and I am going to share some cool shit about the state I live in with you guys ...for free. I am talking cool. No cheesy crap. I spent over a hundred dollars to make up some cool packages.. I just need to take a pic, promote and find a fun way to hand them out to the people reading my blah blog =) So how is that for Bribery? ~ It works pretty good on my kids =)

Grow Up

2007-09-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

I thought I would never say that to the guy who has helped make me money, but OMG.
I hadn't told my boss that I wasn't going to transfer to the other office (out of state)I had been thinking about it and pondering it for about a week... I finally decided that I was indeed going to take the severance and not go to the other office. I don't have a permanent residence as of yet, my kids are going to school in a school district that I have to drive them to everyday. Things on my personal side just feel "chaotic" to me....add in the changes here at work and I am out of my mind.
I am going to take a few weeks... month off.. than I will look to fill my bank account back up again, but I am burnt out and need this break... to get my shit together to where I feel I can function in a good manner.

So I told "wish" (that is what I call my boss) that I was not going to the other location with him. He was short and curt in his responses, as if he already knew from someone else... he was pissed. I want to say this is his defense mechanism, but I think it is caddy and childish to act this way... we are on day 2 of me telling him and he hasn't said anything to me, he will converse with the other people in the office and talk to them...said good morning and all but I got nothing! He has to walk by my office to go to his, I always leave my door open. Even when I went into his office to discuss a scenario of a client it took him literally 1 full minute to acknowledge me and he was short and matter of factly.
God, grow up... we have worked together for 5 years, we are a team, every time someone talks to me... they bring "wish" up in the conversation ... people inquire about him because they know we work so well together.
I know he is hurt and I didn't give him a lot of notice, but that part came hard to do when they didn't give us a lot of notice about closing this office. I did it in person... I imagined it being a good heart to heart, I imagined him fighting just a little bit for me to stay... even though I could be replaced it is hard to find someone you work well with. I imagined him understanding and offering his help in anyway to help me feel more confident about this.
I got nothing.
Truth be told the minute I told him and walked out of his office yesterday I felt a huge relief, I felt really good and half my stress was gone in an instant. I also felt the conversation could have gone better and I wanted to tell (explain) to him more, but he was so short and didn't ask anything... all night I thought about how today would go, if he would talk to me...what I would say that would help clarify yesterdays events. I guess I know now how that is working out for him.
Regardless, I feel good about my decision and sticking to it, but I just think we could work together for the next week like nothing has changed.... make it worth our while and really go down in a good way. It only makes me want to take the last week as sick or vacation pay.... such crap.

Clear My Head

2007-09-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

So Saturday we took off to the beach, it was calling me. For me the beach means stress free. You can never take stress to the beach, the waves call for you the clear sky, the warm sand in between your toes, its a solace... Peaceful, relaxing... if I could bottle it up I would.

My Saturday didn't start that way. I met some of my family for breakfast at McDonald's.. it was really the only place to enjoy a breakfast type meal with 9 kids. It was nice to sit around and visit for a short while though. We up and left there and sat around back at the house, thinking of something to do. all the time the "beach" scenario replaying in my head, but I had checked weather and it was only going to be in the high 60's... The beach is cool regardless, but I had missed out on the best warm days of enjoying it and for that I was bummed.
We sat for over an hour, the boys playing the Wii, E was sitting on the couch as I was at the computer googling weekend fun for us.
I remember a phone conversation with a girlfriend of mine the day before she just went to a certain beach and loved it... highly recommended it. I have never been there and it was almost 5 hours away...for a Saturday to Sunday trip that was a lot of effort. But hey, I am about spontaneity. I called up the first decent looking hotel that allowed dogs and was packed in 10 minutes. We were out the door and on the road.
Then just like I said before life smacked us down... it could have been worse.. trust me.
E was driving 70 in a 55 we were crossing the bridge from Washington State into Oregon, who knew they were doing a radar set up that day. So we ended up on the side of the road with a cop behind us... I have a theory about motorcycle cops and I am not bashing the cop as a person but their job. Motorcycle cops are solely for traffic issues, so my theory is...when you get pulled over by one... you can guarantee the ticket. Recent events of the last few years have not lead to good experiences with the me and E and the cops. I went into a deep panic, trying to play it cool for the sake of my kids in the back seat. E isn't suppose to be in Washington per his probation without consent of his PO. Washington is seriously a matter of crossing a bridge, so he quickly told me to agree that we got turned around and we were headed to a certain furniture store. It was my car he was driving... that is panic reason number 2. E is also suppose to carry a letter from his PO's office saying we can be around each other. Oh God I was freaking.. we barely went 10 miles and my weekend of stress free flew out the window so fricken fast. The cop was back at the window like lightening. He had his license and a small white paper in one hand the other on the door of the car. He said "I don't want to ruin your furniture store trip but.. .(OMG my heart dropped) next time be more conscious of your speed limit. He hands E back his license and a written warning. holy crap! that is it?! He didn't ask for registration or anything... I am not even sure he had enough time to pull up E in the system. This is the first time he has been pulled over and not harassed. You can bet for the rest of the 5 hour drive I was on him about his speed though. damn I so needed to get out of town now and just forget about shit.

Back on the road.... its a long drive. We listen to the radio station until it fades, we all talk about absolutely nothing, we point out the scenery and animals in the fields to the boys... E points to one field and asks "hey guys what kind of animal is that?" they both look, Kace replies "sheep!" and Cris looks a little longer and replies with a cute glee of excitement "COOOOWWWS" we all laughed and for the rest of the trip we saw no cows, but we saw COOOOWWWS... the cute part was that they were all sheep.

We finally make it into Bandon, OR... only a couple more hours away from California. We are exhausted and hungry... the Hotel has a restaurant so we eat there and E gets hammered! After dinner we go back to our room and decide that an after dinner swim was appropriate (sober-up session for E). As we are getting ready E's mom (who checks on him frequently) sends him a text asking him if he is still alive, I reply letting her know we took off to Bandon. Bandon? she replied insinuating we were out of our minds, E takes the phone and sends a message back to her that reads... "we are returning the Mexicans (my boys) this is just a pit stop".... good thing he was drunk or I would lay into him... I know he meant no harm.

The next morning we are up bright and early, grab breakfast at the cute town cafe and head to a wildlife safari just out of the town. This is me and a cute baby opossum... I am glowing as I hold this little one and not sure why... its an opossum... but still cute right??? (for those of you who have read my previous post this is the picture where I feel I have a pregnant look...uggghh)

after the wildlife park we went to the beach...because you cant go to the beach without going to the actual beach part of it. Here is another picture of me, Kace and Cris... we walked out on the jetty that divided the river and the Ocean it joined. See the waves splashing up in the distance? Awesome I tell ya... how can you not find a place like that relaxing?!!!

It all fades too quickly though. Good thing I have pictures I guess.

That's Not What I Ordered!...

2007-09-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever read a menu and thought about how delicious an entree sounded? Yeah, me too. Then it comes out for its grand presentation of delight for your mouth, belly and all together mood and then it looks blah! Totally not what you were expecting?

Well aside from food, considering my recent loss of appetite of my apparent situation and the fact that I saw myself in a picture and feel like I have a pregnant pooch (not having that!!!) I feel this way about my life, the way things are turning out.
I have this little mantra taped to my computer screen "Daily Decisions Decide Destiny" - see this backs up my whole live for today theory.... but then stabs it with the whole this could fuck up the rest of the life part your not thinking about! uggghh, I hate trying to rationalize, to figure things out... making pieces fit into one puzzle that came from another just to complete the picture.

I really hope this just doesn't sound like rambling BS... I am just trying to go thru my head like a girl digging in a clothes pile for her favorite shirt that she just has to wear today. I know it is inside me somewhere.. the answers I need, to figure out my current situation.

So I have a job, but I am bowing out of it. I have sat on this all week. I need the time to get me back together, spend the time with my boys I have been craving, volunteer in their classes, take the written test for the DMV for the state I actually live in, not the one I pretend to live in, organize the garage, plant flowers... you know just do "me" stuff. Live and enjoy it, I don't want to keep looking back every day and think about how I should have just taken the day off and done this or that. I have decided that I want to take the little severance package and be stress free.

I haven't told my boss yet. I want to do it face to face. He hasn't been in the office, but he will be tomorrow and I am totally freaking out. I have quit twice... you hear me? that is 2 times I have gotten new jobs lined up and quit on this guy and well you see... I still work for him. "Money Talks" he would say... I would agree. I even got an award. It seriously reads "Couldn't stay away award" Fucked up huh! But right next to that award is one for "Hardest Worker"... that's because this girl worked her ass off to be 100% burnt out.

I love my job, I love what I do... I just need a break. I just need my boy's... my family.

So back to the food that I ordered that doesn't look like anything I imagined.
What if me leaving with the rest of my work crew is not in the best interest? What if I would regret this decision? I have headaches, an unbelievable stress level and crappy sleep at night. What if I am making the wrong "daily decision" on this?

Friday I sat in Michal's office... god I cant say enough how much I love that place.. the smell in itself is therapeutic for me. I told him about my job that I still had. He asked me what I was doing for the weekend. I told him I was looking for a place to live...duh? But that the back of my head kept telling me ...beach, beach, beach. He told me to go to the beach.... I did and to one that was almost the farthest away. Had a blast. Enjoyed the time with E and the boys... I know I still need to look for a place but hard to do when so many other factors are up in the air. and just like me telling Michal that the beach was calling me... the same goes for me not transferring my job to the other location. It just doesn't sit well with my situation and the things I desire and have going on. I guess my gut is telling me the right, but my brain is still trying to pump me full of common sense.

I wanted to share the short but fun beach trip with photo's and all but my camera downloading skills are very dysfunctional. So as soon as I figure that out I still want to share!

Thanks for reading my "verbal vomit" and being there!

Drum Roll Please...

2007-09-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

The Hammer has come down. I am safe. Do I feel safe?
It is weird how things went down... I found out by error. I confronted my boss and discussed with him disclosing the truth early, we are a small group, we are family, we deserve the opportunity of hearing it from him...and all the facts not the rumors and gossip, and not from the guy in a tailored suit from a stuffy office in the downtown building who cant even pronounce my last name for F Sake.
So he did it. He was professional and honest, I am proud of him for that. It could have been a "every man for himself" scenario, but he did what he needed to do. After the group announcement he went into each individual office and spoke with us all individually...answered questions, offered up tissues and alcohol. Classy man for that... I am sure his wife was urging him to take this road as well... we women are smart... Men should really listen more.
We all know this location is finished. Some will move to the other location, some will go on to other places. Things happen for a reason...and I am not just saying that because I still have a place of employment...secretly I was wanting to be done, take my severance, ride the unemployment train and spend the so desperately wanted time with my boys... truth be told I am not sure how much longer the other office will hold up so this just buys me time.

I have come to work for the past 5 years and seen a lot of the same faces, shared stories, vacation pictures, nights out with these people and all of a sudden it is suppose to be "nice ride...see ya on the flip side" ? Crazy.

I go to see Michal shortly, my boss offered up to continue drinks after work.. I turned him down... a good verbal vomit session was more appealing and needed.

What Will Tomorrow Bring

2007-09-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

I have this thing... I have mentioned it before. I Procrastinate. I love being a self proclaimed procrastinator... its what works for me... I don't want to live knowing everything my life will or should bring. Spontaneity is so much more fun and I feel like life is really fulfilling a need for me to just do... I am a reactor I am not proactive... I mean really how much fun can it be to foresee the stress and BS of life.... but when some things don't follow its norm of predictability it really messes with me.
Actually there is only one thing that can be predictable... and that is that I drink! I love to drink and listen to my music... lyrics to a song have so much meaning. I know this doesn't sound good, sober or drunk... But I can really think things over when I have had a few drinks. I think it is partly that my mind doesn't care to think about the other things that have been bogging me down.

So here is a clue to my half way secret. I get into work this morning to find out I am not the only one who knows... We are a small group, we are tight (or so I thought)Everyone in my office knows and the rumors and gossip are on a roll, and I don't know the truth or the side to believe. My boss's boss made a human error by putting a meeting on my boss's calender (the same fricken calender I manage) the appt was specific about the future of my office and the jobs of my co-workers. I have been assured my job is cool, but I had to confront my boss about this, so what is a guy to do when he is on the spot...guy's lie. Period.
While part of me wants to say I gave up my yearly vacations and take my sick children to work with me for the sake of getting work done should speak loudly and save grace... I don't think it meant shit. I am pissed and bitter that I could have said "screw my job" and spent the time I have been dying to have with my kids.
BUT and that is the same "but" that carries a small dilemma of conscious with it... But what if my job is secure? What do I do? Do I still take the time off, follow my predictable spontaneous, procrastinating side and make up for my vacations and take the time off (The same time I have will be the only impression to not only my boss but his boss to save my ass?) and for what?... for it all to end up the same way in the end... maybe no job?
I wont know until next week and frankly I am not concerned about future employment because I have a strong enough faith in a higher power that things happen for a reason and that I kick ass at my job... people would be stupid NOT to hire me. But this is a strong area of predictability for me that does not sit well with me. I have a half truth sitting in my head.... what to do... what to do?

I am not quite homeless and not quite jobless, but in a matter of days this all could change. WOW... Life sure does hit ya like a ton of bricks...and I wouldn't even know about the job part if it wasn't for a human error.

There is a Fly in my Vodka

2007-09-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

So I swept my finger in and flicked it out.
I needed a screw driver.

It was all I had, I opened the fridge, milk... Apple Juice... Orange juice. OJ it is. And since I'm mixing I can make it as strong as I want.

Just after I posted about my stress level and I think it can't possibly get worse... it does. I got kicked while I was already down. I can't go into details just yet, because I know something no one else knows and only by complete human error do I know this. I confronted a person about this matter and I was looking for a small glimmer of hope. I got it, but I don't feel like I got it, its like having the answers to the test without knowing what the test questions are going to be.
crazy.

Funny thing happens when life comes at you faster than the speed limit. We, as natural human beings turn into fighters, we fight stronger... But why does it take shit hitting the fan to make that happen??

Stressed? Who Me?

2007-09-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

Remember these guys, the sidekicks to the villain Ursula in the Little Mermaid. Flotsam and Jetsam. That's me. In appearance anyways. I have this thing when I get stressed. Its a weird thing but it is a tale tell sign of what is going on in my world. no hiding the fact that I stress.
You see when ever I stress, out of no where....seriously no where, one of my eyes.. (typically my right) but it doesn't matter and it is always only one, one of my eyes gets blood shot red. I joke that I look like the eels Flotsam and Jetsam.(if you remember correctly or have recently seen the movie for the gazillionth time, they have one glowing eye... just one... just like me)

I could give a laundry list of things that are stressing me out, and I am not sure at what level my stress needs to be to carry my wonderful one eyed eel trait. It is self diagnosed as a stress issue because when my stress level is killing me that is when my eye is at its brightest red. I have been to the doctors and had eye tests and there are no apparent problems.. it doesn't hurt, itch and has never been contagious. It is solely an appearance issue. I wonder sometimes what complete strangers think when they see me, or if I was to get pulled over if a cop would assume something else. Unloading my stress at my verbal vomit sessions seem to help, but resolution to the things stressing me out would be nice too.

I am in the middle of looking for a place to move. I am being a bit on the picky side. I don't want to live in an apartment anymore. I see a ton of homes listed for rent, but they are either not immediately available, don't take pets, are WAY to much money to justify it as a rent payment or too much of a commute.
So in the meantime I drive the boys to school in the morning, pick them up in the middle of my work day and bring them back to the office with me. I don't think I can get away with that for the entire school year, not to mention I don't want to be doing that. I feel homeless... I have a place to sleep but it isn't my house.
Home is security, it is peace even when it is chaotic. I have taken for granted the space a place of my own gives me.
Right now I am so uprooted.. I miss a good home cooked meal, chilling on the couch and watching a movie, vacuuming my living room floor every time the vacuum lines get messed up.

Make an Impact!

2007-08-30T14:39:00.001-07:00

I'm going to be demanding and show my High maintenance, persistent side.
I want to make an impact... If anyone is reading this help a girl out eh?
So I came across a page of a girl (lady) named Tracey... Tracey is just like you, me and who ever else. She is participating in the race for a cure. She has a small goal in my opinion ($300.00) and I thought gosh that cant be hard to get. She is already at a $100 and how cool would it be to help a complete stranger meet or exceed that with something that has a personal meaning to them. You see Tracey's friend and neighbor is battling cancer. While mine personal impact remains with Diabetes I am so willing to help out those who take action in things that have a deep personal meaning. So all I need you to do is visit her page... Donate a small amount, show some love from around the states, world! I know you guys have it in you!!!

Spread the love!!

I tried to link it in the cool way but I'm not THAT good!
try this
https://www.traceygrumbach.blogspot.com

Sorry in advance for retardedness about linking!!

It Never Gets Old

2007-08-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

That's Cris... Katie looks real amused by his presence... poor girl.

My boys are such great kids and I love the humor they bring.
I wanted to list a few funnies or little quirks that they do.

* I was having a conversation with the boys after picking them up from their fathers. they had visited with one of their aunts and cousins so I inquired as to how they were doing and if their cousin chantel still had a lot of hair (she has always had thick gorgeous hair) Cris tells me it is short and I told him I didn't mean long when I said a lot. he replies and I swear these are his words. "Let me put it to you this way, she looks just like Dora, The hair and everything" hahaha, it was so cute! The best part is she kinda does, I just never associated that.

* The boys have this thing with tunnels, they scream, not an absolute loud one, more of a humming loud with your mouth wide open type. Sometimes it catches me off guard because if we are just driving and conversing it just happens and I am so unaware, but EVERY time they do it without fail. And I can never get mad or irritated, its almost contagious but I just laugh. The best part is if anyone is in the car with us they look over at me like "what the hell is going on".
We have a tunnel Choir!

* Jinx!!! I remember this game, but now the stakes have raised to soda's and things, you don't just jinx someone and the other person has to be quiet for a certain amount of time or until someone else says their name. So the other day they were telling me about something and they both said the same thing at the same time. Kace said Jinx and started counting..Cris quickly screams stop! I think Kace's quick counting got Cris owing Kace 8 Soda's...seeing as how I am not big on drinking soda (absolutely no value to it) I don't know how they plan on working that out, but it happened so fast. I would've owed a 100 or something before I figured out why he was counting.

* I just met the boys father in a parking lot to send them off with him for the weekend. As we both pulled out of the parking lot I ended up behind them. Cris turns around in his seat and starts giving me that little motion where you take two fingers and motion them from your eyes and point to the other person, meaning that you are watching them. Typically this is seen in movies. Well this little guy does this to me! Too cute. It was spontaneous and humorous. How do kids think of these things so quickly!

* Kace has a thing he does where if your talking it doesn't have to be about something specific he will come up behind you, put his arm around you and say "I know how you feel buddy".

I love these boys! They are awesome!

This Is Only A Test

2007-08-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

So I am going to be all over the place today. I wanted to blog about a few things for the past few days but I needed my "verbal Vomit" session with Michal before I did. I wanted to go in with a clear head. I still have everything but that, but I love those sessions, walking into the old building with its old building smell. It never gets old... I take a deep breath as I walk in the door and let out a sigh... sigh of relief, and comfort.

I am working some things out with my mother and in the meantime scrambling for a place to move as school starts next week and by choice I am homeless (not in the full sense but it feels that way) and my kids have no school identified. I am happy with my choice and confident that it will all work out though. Not that I don't want to spend time with my mother and be closer in proximity to the boys father for their sake, but I need "my" place back and to do things the way I am comfortable and enjoy them without criticism. I am a huge independent and sometimes its hard for those who necessarily are not to see that.

I went to the wedding this past Saturday with E and his parents. His cousin was getting married and it was E's mothers side of the family. She has 10 other siblings so the aunt's, uncle's and cousins were numbered greatly, I have not met most of them, but since it was a wedding they embraced me and treated me as if I was a part of their family, and just like any other family... large or small, they had their issues, but all were set aside.
As we arrive the groom and his groomsmen were approaching the church, the groom texting his soon to be bride on his cell phone. She sent him one telling him she loved him so much, awwww. As we sat and awaited for the ceremony to start I opened up the program and the groom had written a poem for his bride and printed it inside. crap, I was screwed...good thing the tissue packets were handed out already.
The wedding went well... I enjoyed myself, E enjoyed himself and aside from him asking the girl in the taco bell drive thru to marry him after he apparently had a little too much wine, I am more secure in knowing that we do fit well together, that we can take our bad days and work with them together, and I don't need to always hide behind the shield I have been holding up. I cant say that the wedding did not make me want that, I will admit that since then I have done some "looking" on bridal websites... I'm not sure what that means for E... as I am not sure if it is more about him or more of the idea of wanting that at some point.

on some cute notes that were just too cute to pass up... my brother and his wife had their 3rd child this past week and their first boy. I love babies so I am going to share a couple photo's of this little guy with his sisters...

Now I am not just being a proud Aunt, but that is pretty darn cute!!!

Sweet and Selfish Chocolate

2007-08-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

So as a female just like chocolate there are many things a girl likes and most want.
Chocolate is a little more easy to come by... you go to the store, pick it up, eat it and probably regret the 2nd, 3rd and 4th piece.(I eat the whole thing... why let such a good thing go to waste... I mean you probably had a good reason for buying it)

I purchased chocolate, sour sweets and soda on my lunch break. Now if that doesn't scream a certain time of the month I don't know what does... I guess I'm missing the whole salty craving part of it... but I am sure it will come! LOL =)

Just like chocolate or what ever heavenly craving that can go into our mouths and hips we dream of the fancier things in life. The white picket Fence, the house in the perfect neighborhood for our kids, the husband.... oh, hold up I'm missing that part. And just as odd... I am the one who is withholding that from being a part.

I have heard that when one is madly in love the other usually isn't at that moment. Relationships are so confusing, why do they have to be so all over the place... is there really a black and a white? I would give up color for that!

E told me that he thinks I do better if I believe we are not in a relationship, I wont admit this to him unless he is reading this, but he is probably right (that is the only time though) We do so good if we are friends, we go practically everywhere and do almost everything together, if a bad day is in order he picks up wine and comes over to make sure dinner isn't a hassle, he listens to me gripe on the phone and would do almost anything for me. I do have to bring up that it wasn't always this way and that is probably why I have a hard time making this officially something more!
So my dilemma is this, a few weeks ago he met me after work for a much needed dinner to un~wind, the dinner probably did the opposite for both of us, he grilled me about why I am so stubborn and if we are changing in different directions from each other or not... He is ready to settle down and I now feel like I am just starting an independence streak. More came up and I got to thinking about some of the clues he gave off, whether intentional or not I keyed in on the part where he mentioned he didn't have a lot of money on his credit card. He always pays this off in full every month and he would have just done this, also the grilling about "us" over dinner. So Later that night I sent him a text letting him know I was on to him, I think he thought in a more negative manner because he got defensive fast, but after I told him I thought he was being sneaky about testing me out on the marriage thing to see if he did ask what my potential answer would be. He tried to deny that but asked what I would say if he did. I said probably not. I just am not on this same page as him and a weird side of things is I want him to ask but not right now. I don't want him to ask right now and have me say no, because he made it clear he doesn't want to waste his time and if I say no than there is no 2nd chance of that question coming up again. I don't think I want to completely give up on that, but know for certain I don't want it right now... Confused yet? I know, I am with holding him from potentially going into a relationship with someone else and marrying them and moving on with his life.
I don't know how long I will feel like this, but a part of me feels like because we know each other so well and have been through so much that I would be the only one losing out this time if I let him get away.

Wait this confusing drama gets better.
So just the other night he sends me a text telling me he found something interesting on the Internet and after about 3 days and a lot of harassing he showed it to me. a PHAT ring. And believe this or not ladies I am not that greedy although the ring was more than I would ever purchase for myself I felt like he was missing what I wanted. This is also a contributor to our woes, if he doesn't know what I want than how can we join in marriage for the rest of our lives? The part where it is a ring is not that big of deal to me, it is what it symbolizes that means more. For example my sister has a ring that is flat and has a circle engraved into the top of it. It symbolizes forever/eternity. Even though the ring isn't worth much in monetary value it makes up for in sentiment and personal value and means so much more. I am not going to copy my sister but it is just an example of what I want, I want it to have more meaning than the size of the rock.

I don't know how long E is going to stick around and see if I figure out whether I want this or not. This weekend his cousin is getting married and I am going with him to the wedding. I am anxious to see if this does anything for me... a trigger of 'yes, that's what I want' or a 'no, I am not there'.

Killer Beez

2007-08-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went to a rodeo. My first ever and by the time we had arrived it was pretty much over. But the rodeo wasn't the only thing that was a first for me.
I met and hung out with someone I have despised for 3 plus years. This person has never directly done anything to me, but he was an accomplice, a bad influence and nothing ever came good out of even hearing his name. Where there was drugs or trouble he was there. I used to wait for the part of the story where he came in at, because I knew without fail he was. "Beez" is what his "friends" call him and I parenthesize friends because there is NO way a friend who knew you were trying to stay clean would bring Cocaine around you or tell you about his adventures in high-land. a Friend would support that you were clean and if they couldn't kick it, then they would need to stay away.
I changed a cell phone number 3 times... somehow all 3 times the number reached him. I am not a fool I know it was given to him, I wasn't ever going to rid of the guy. I was the girl who hated the friend for obvious reasons. It was a battle I would lose every time. There would be moments when Beez wasn't around, or at least I was informed he wasn't, in fear of losing what "we" had. But the minute we had signs of a rough spot or complete drama Beez the Best Friend was always there like a blues clues handy dandy notebook. "you got troubles? go get loaded with Beez".

I learned a few weeks ago that he went out with Beez one night and while deep down my trust wasn't strong enough to trust that everything would be okay, nothing happened and everything was okay. So I decided that a meeting of us would need to happen. It was obvious Beez wasn't going away... and I'm still here too!

So I suggested we go to the rodeo... we hang out with Beez. He was shocked and question me several times if I was okay with it, and then he was ecstatic that I was serious. I met Beez, drunk off his ass. He was hitting on girls left and right, throwing popcorn and spilling beer. Not my preferred way of trying to get a better impression of the guy... that is for sure. At first my words were on the harsh side, I maintained rude and "stuck-up" but then it appeared as though he was offended, he walked away and sat in a bit of a childish pouty stature. I watched him for a few minutes to see if he was just playing a stupid drunk or if I had really offended him. I walked over to him and sat next to him.
Our conversation was enlightening for me, he explained that all those times when shit hit the fan with me and E that he was telling E to walk away, to give me the chance to cool down and both of us a chance to think clearly. He was the voice of reason, the friend... this was hard for me to take in, I felt like I was getting fed some serious crap, but I continued to talk with him. He then said something profound, something to me that never clicked before and why would it... I never gave the guy a chance. He told me that I never heard any stories except the ones where they were acting stupid or getting in trouble, he said "think about it, if I was in the hot house, would I take the fall... heck no I would blame E" why would they tell me the times that they didn't get into trouble, its not as interesting to tell someone that stuff.
The guy has dealt with a lot of crap in his life too and he hasn't made the best of choices, but we can all say that about ourselves or someone we love.
Beez and I have hugged and made up. I welcome him to hang with E, they both have my full warning to not mess this up though. They need to stick tight and support each other not hinder each other, after all if they really are good friends to each other they will have each others backs while they work through their struggles.

Migraine

2007-08-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. the funny thing is (see there it is again) that it really does work and will make you smile.
1.) picture yourself lying on your stomach on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2.) picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3.) Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4.) No one knows your secret place.
5.) You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6.) The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7.) The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

Last month I almost lost it... I mean went crazy kind of lost it.
The stress of my job and lack of not spending the time I wanted with my kids was a killer for me.
So I went into my boss's office a few days later and was so worked up I cried. (I HATE doing that) But I needed to show and express to him that even though I kick ass at my job, some support would be nice or I will most likely end up quitting. I felt good after that and I have also implemented a strong testament to stop worrying or thinking about work on my weekends and after hours (Kind of hard when I get a call or text from the boss) but I try. See I am the personal assistant and processor to my boss. I tried to move from that roll into a more self sufficient loan officer roll but he wont let go of me (I see this as a compliment of course because he needs me) Since then, I have had co-workers out and I have not only been doing his job, my job, but theirs as well. I'm at the overwhelmed stage again. I work in the home-loan industry and despite the rumors, we are still full steam ahead and I am under water in loans and work.
Just this morning my boss suggested I close my office door to get some work caught up on and make my phone calls and stuff. The funny thing is (there it is again) He is the only one bugging me!! He has called me 3 times and emailed me 4 times in a matter of 10 minutes. What a joke!!!
And my boiling over point this morning was him telling me how to close a loan. I am doing a home loan for a girlfriend of mine. She happens to be buying a newly constructed home from the exact same company (builder) that he is listed as the preferred lender. The thing is she is MY referral and its "my" loan to work on. So he is trying to tell me how I am suppose to process, submit and where to close this loan!! Oh wait, that's my job! I am steaming!!! Just because he is listed as the preferred lender doesn't mean he gets them all. In the end a client can choose who they will work through for financing and since it is my girlfriend she has chosen me. I feel like he is trying to downsize me and that because this builder means everything to him that I might just not be good enough to do this one. Normally I would blow this off... but when this happens more and more than I get frustrated. It is as if my talk with him earlier about needing his support just got filed with the don't give-a-shit stuff.

Okay I had to get that out and when a co-worker sent me the above advise it was totally applying to me today!

Cuteness in a Cage

2007-08-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

okay I'm starting this one way off track. Every time I start a new entry I usually start by typing "Isn't it funny" .. no joke, I type that almost every time and I am not sure why. I always end up deleting it and starting over because I quickly read "isn't it funny" and think about what I want to write next and it isn't funny, I don't even type it to say it like "isn't it funny when you snort milk out of your nose?" its more like a "isn't it funny the things we take for advantage". But for that to really stick as an impact statement then it isn't funny. Isn't it funny the silly little habits we have that half of the time we don't even notice?

Sparky and Cutie, that is their names. My first meeting with them was because as a single parent working full time I wanted to feel involved in my children's class at some level. At first my intentions were solely to not look like a flake parent, but I love them, they are family. Sparky and Cutie are gerbil's. Pets to Mrs. Russel's 1st/2nd grade class. Mrs. Russel is an awesome, awesome teacher. Her husband is not a fan of little creatures so come the holidays and breaks through out school Mrs. Russel looks for volunteers to take care of Sparky and Cutie. Our first time volunteering was last summer. I wasn't sure what I was suppose to do with these guys, but just like being a mom for the first time... it comes to you.
Last summer I was sent home with a phone number and a warning. Gerbil life expectancy is not a long one at all, and they could potentially pass away, if that was to happen I would call her and she would go to the pet store with my boys and they would pick out a new sparky and cutie. Well guess what, we still have the original version and now that we are in our 2nd year of bringing them into our home, watching, feeding and playing with them... I am going to be devastated if anything happens to them. I am already dreading that they will be going back to class and wont be there when I come through my front door. Almost every night I go home and open up their cage door, they peek their heads out and I usually dote a treat, they sniff my hand and outside the cage door like it is a different world. They are the cutest little guys ever and have found a place in my heart. I love their personalities.
I went to the pet store last night to pick up more food for my furry friends and left my mom and boys in the car, because I was going to make a quick trip in and out...and while I had a hard time locating the food. I admittingly took a little bit longer because I was looking at the birds, fish and other animals. It would be so fun to have some of those too. I don't want to go crazy with pets in my house, but they are just cool creatures.
If you have a child that is asking for a pet...start small. Gerbils are inexpensive, they really are not difficult to take care of and feed them your empty toilet paper rolls and watch. It is so cute to watch them turn it into bedding!

Always for Today

2007-08-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'm famous for that... I live for today, worry or only think about what I need to do today, tomorrow or anything far ahead is not my forte... so I guess I carry the mark of a procrastinator too because of that.
One thing I do struggle with though is letting go of past experiences and specifically the negative ones. I know that it is the past that helps mold with the struggles or lessons or even joyous moments we have, but the ugly one's are really hard to get rid of.
So lately I find myself sharing and writing about these things that are personal, but I guess that means that healing is taking place... it is a step of moving forward to be able to accept the past and face off front and center.

"I had a problem with drugs"
"I did it because I was high"
"I don't remember because I was high"
"I didn't think because I was on drugs"
"I got angry because I was on drugs"

I have never done drugs in my life... seriously, not even pot. I'm pretty proud of myself for that too. But it also leaves me with a totally different prospective. I can't say whether someone has control over themselves and their actions when they are high, but I can tell you what affect drugs have on someone around a person that uses them or is high.
It is pretty hard to "get over" or forgive someone who was on drugs that did something terrible to you. While I can sit here and say I have forgiven this person, it's also pretty apparent that I am not over it. Aside from the lies, the missing money, the constant sickness of withdrawals... when I was punched in the side of my head I promised myself to never forget that. And although that bears no physical scar... there is an emotional one. No amount of love or compassion for a person can make you overlook a fault like that. Even though this person is no longer on drugs and the excuse for doing something so inexcusable is because of drugs... Ultimately I see it as a choice. He chose to do drugs.

I still talk to this person. I hang out with him and even adore him. I am watching him be the person I wanted him to be for 3 years. I hear apologies and I hear promises... but it is hard. I struggle every time I talk or hang out with him with a fear that he could go right back to being that guy I knew most.... an addict.

He is in a treatment class, and at first he was there because he had to, and he hated it. I got a different feedback from him yesterday though. I wanted to cry. It truly was amazing to see him change so much and in a positive way.
The most influential person in that class is not the teacher... its another "classmate" who on some level had done the same thing as him. The class is over a year term. So you meet with this same group all the time, you get to hear the same stuff, day-in and day-out... I am sure it is annoying and it gets old.
Up until a month ago he still had comments of resistance about this class. He "didn't learn anything from it" and "didn't care what the other people did".
Then there was Dwayne. Dwayne is homeless. This he knew not only by the apparent appearance of Dwayne but because he saw him around town outside of class walking the streets with his pop-cans. He expressed several times before how he felt bad for the guy and wanted to give him money, but because they were in the same class he was embarrassed. This week Dwayne no longer has to attend the class. He has graduated.
And when someone has completed the course there is something they need to do. It is a statement of accountability. They need to present in front of the rest of these people what actions brought them to that class and what the class and/or other things have helped them over the past year.
Dwayne, is homeless, but he shows up to class every week. Dwayne is homeless but every week is grateful for the things he has. Recently Dwayne was given a small room in someones residence to sleep. He expressed his gratitude for having a mattress and being able to watch TV. What is practically an everyday staple to most is his gratitude.
This experience has brought humility to a person who a year ago didn't give a shit.

To Love and Honor

2007-08-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

How about to be Adored... respected...
I have been thru enough in my relationships to know what I want, and lets face it... most women suck at expressing this want in the right way to our husbands, boyfriends and significant others. We have to literally come out and tell them exactly what we want, they don't figure it out with our "helpful hints"... after all they are human and just men (not downsizing men... really, but admit half of the male population if not more falls into that). But coming out and telling you ruins the way we as women want our breath taken away in surprise. There is nothing to go back and share with our girlfriends or co-workers about this awesome person they know and love.
For me and I think the majority of women it doesn't need to cost much, because the thought of having a guy do something for us without being asked or told is HUGE.

I have a co-worker who went on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks with her husband to Italy and Greece. Kick ass jealous am I.
When she returns with her picture's, adorable wardrobe and gorgeous tan.
We all assumed that she was spoiled and adored to the hilt by her husband. They have been married for 10 yrs and the trip alone would make most women envious.
So as I lean in to hear the romantic walk on the beach, dinners, and gondola ride stories I hear a different story, I see her face turning pink and tears forming in the corner of her eyes. She confesses that while the trip was fun and most certainly an amazing memory that it wasn't romantic in the least. I try and fetch more information from her asking her if she realized they have nothing in common by spending that much time together. She deflates that instantly insisting that they have a ton in common, but that the entire trip was like she was with her brother. They got along really great, but there was not a romantic dinner to be had. A fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant in an amazing city yes, but not one I love you. Sex yes, but not love-making.
Just again today She was telling me how much she hates her brother in law, and not that the guy is a jerk or anything, but because he adores her sister to the ends of the earth and she is absolutely jealous that her husband doesn't do that for her, so she has opted to hate the guy for doing exactly what she wants for herself. I suggested she talk to her husband, tell him these things. But she says she cant, she isn't sure it will come out right. Sad, I know.
So as I watch these 2 crumble because one is oblivious to the wants of the other and the other remains silent and miserable, I see something happening in their future that probably should not have ever happened if she would say something and he took her wants into consideration.
I have someone who wants to adore me, respect, love and honor me... I am hesitant to take it though. There was a past already that spelled disaster and now somehow I am suppose to think it will be different.
One never knows what they had until it is gone.

Do I know you?

2007-07-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

I got a email today that was from a friend who usually only sends the "fwd" ones. Typically they are good though and as I was reading it, it backed up exactly what I was thinking about for the past few days. Below is a phrase on the email that was sent to me.

There are four things you can not recover.
The stone...after the throw.
The word...after it's said.
The occasion...after the loss.
The time...after it's gone.

I always try and think of what is going on in someone else's life...walk in their shoes if you will. It's makes you think twice about how you would react to a word or action. For instance over Christmas I selected a family for 12 days of Christmas that I saw as an amazing family and even though I didn't know them very well and they were not a family I would probably associate myself with I knew just how much they needed to know that they were a great family. In fact earlier I judged them too quickly. In the beginning of the school year scouts had just began and it was orientation night. One family stuck out like a sore thumb, the mother had no control over her children and she was loud and didn't seem to care that people were watching her yell at her kids with no care. She appeared to be a horrible mother. All the while the father sat there like he saw or heard none of this.
I later found out her son is autistic, she is just a loud spoken person by nature and a wonderful person around kids. She has a very creative touch and is the first to step up, volunteer and give a helping hand.

I will always remember the actions of a complete stranger, who I will always remember and who left a mark in my mind. It is quite an eye opener what humans will do for others.

* The teenage girl in the grocery store:
I was a young mother with my first newborn child. Our house needed groceries bad, I ventured to the store and spent way to long up and down the aisles so when it came time to pay for the groceries my young newborn had had enough of his car seat and was screaming at the top of his lungs. He was my first and I didn't want people staring at me, let alone I couldn't stand to see him suffer. I struggled to bag my groceries and sooth him the best I could, I felt as if the people in the line behind me were frustrated with the situation too... I was embarrassed and just wanted out of there. Then up comes a girl without saying much to me she starts bagging my groceries, I smile gratefully and was able to calm my child down. The girl's mother came up to her daughter because they were done with their needs in the store and she instructed the daughter to come with her. The daughter simply explained that she was helping me and that her mom could help to. I watched her mother set the pizza down and help her daughter with my groceries. I couldn't believe it! I cry to this day to think of the selfless act of that girl, who no doubt impressed me,her mother and the others around her to help someone in need. I am sure she has NO idea how much I appreciated that and still 9 years later she still has an impression on me.

Flashback

2007-07-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

I still remember every detail like it was yesterday, and when I say his name I still can not say it or talk about him without crying.
Death is a weird thing, well maybe not weird, but it is so unknown and there is alot of grey areas. When someone close to you dies you know there were bad or not-so-great moments that you experienced with them or heard them telling you, but when they are no longer around, you can only think of how amazingly wonderful that person was, all the good, selfless acts, the hugs, laughs and comfort of knowing they were around.
It was February 18th, 2006 at 1:30 in the morning my doorbell rang. I was in a dead sleep and not even my dog barked. I sprang out of bed instantly grabbed my bat and went to the front door. I had someone in my bed that wasn't suppose to be there and in the back of my mind I was wondering what he was doing. I mean who else knocks at your door at 1:30AM? I look through the peep hole and asked who it is. "Tualatin Police Department" I slowly open the door to see just one police officer at my door. I knew they were not there for 'him'. The officer apologizes for waking me and announces that I have a family emergency as he hands me a small piece of paper with a name and number on it. My heart sank I knew what it was... I must have done something as I heard him say those words as he asked me if I was going to be okay and if I needed him to stay why I made the call. I stuttered and scrambled to go for my phone... .mumbling to myself questioning why they didn't call me, I have a phone why didn't they call me? The officer said he didn't know and asked again if I was going to be okay. I told him I needed to go to my phone and quickly shut the door. I ran back to my room to find him standing in my closet behind the door with his hand over the dogs mouth as to not cause attention. He kept asking me what they wanted, solely out of concern for himself at that moment. "it's bad, I just know it... it's my dad". I didn't officially know it because the piece of paper had one name and one number on it. Nancy. She was my brothers wife. So it could have been anyone in my family.

A thousand things were racing through my mind as I drop to the floor by the wall to reach for my cell phone it was only a few feet from my bed and I was still wondering why I had not heard it. I looked at the screen. 5 missed calls, 3 new voice mails. Shit! This is bad.
I call Nancy, she has a very soft spoken, sweet voice, but I couldn't hear any emotion come out of her voice. She tells me to call my moms cell phone. I hang up and quickly start dialing my mom and the guy who shouldn't be there is standing in the corner still asking me what is going on. I don't answer him.
The phone picks up, the first thing said was my name. and not like a are you sitting down way of saying someones name, but a where the hell have you been way.
I just tell him to tell me. "it's dad" .... I know its dad just tell me! I scream at him."dad died". I drop, my whole body drops, my phone drops, I can't sink far enough to the floor... I'm numb and in shock, then suddenly tears. So many tears as I try and listen to my brother tell me what happened. "J is coming to get you, he should be there soon. We tried getting ahold of you, but finally we decided we needed to have the police come and make sure you were okay too." I don't know why I didn't hear my phone?!!I kept repeating this. right then I feel arms across me, he doesn't know what to do, but he has never seen me cry like that... He just tries to hold me.
I get off the phone with my brother and listen to the voice messages on my phone. I can hear the panic in my brothers voice and I can hear a lot of activity going on in the back ground. I learned later that all that noise was the EMT's working on my dad. The last 2 messages were both my mom, broken up, I couldn't get all the details, but she was trying to give me updates and pleading with me to call her.
My brother is at my door. I grab him and he holds me tight as we cry in each others arms. He notices out of the corner of his eye that "he" is there. I try and explain, but it wasn't the moment nor was it important anymore. I have my makeup bag (I know vain) and my bible. Its funny the things a person thinks to get at a time like that. I had no need for either. I get in my brothers car and "he" is driving behind us in mine. My brother is listening to Enya. I didn't know what to say, I asked him for more details, he tells me he was there when dad dropped and how he went fast. My brother tells me he brought dads phone and he wants me to open it up. the picture on the main screen was a picture of me. It was right then I knew why I didn't hear my phone, there was a plan, gods plan maybe, my fathers? I wasn't supposed to know right away. My dad always worried about how much I worried about him and his health.
We arrived at my moms I walk through the door there are quiet looks, some are at "him" with inside inquiries as to why he is there, but nothing is spoken about it. I see my mom sitting on the couch... my fathers oversize ring on her petite finger. His glasses and wallet next to her on the table. It was all to surreal. He isn't going to come down the hallway from the back rooms to greet me. He is gone.
I started cleaning. I cleaned until 730am, then my mother sent me home to rest.

A Fabulous "Wii"kend

2007-07-23T11:01:00.001-07:00

We did it... we joined the ranks of the thousands of Harry Potter fans, we stood in line until our legs were going to fall off for the midnight sale of the final book. Kace hasn't read all the books... we have however seen all the movies that are out though and he has been a loving wizard fan for years. Normally I would do my best to wiggle out of such a parent torture as standing in line for hours for a book that was sure to be available during normal muggle hours, but for one great kid, for one special occasion we did it. Kace turned 9 at the stroke of midnight, the minute Harry Potter was flying off the shelves we did a count down for a year older. He received birthday greetings from those around him and it was a great memory for him. We Finally got through the everlasting line and started home at 2am!... yep from 8pm to 2am... I don't think he can ever say I don't love him, that was pure sacrifice for me...as I enjoy my sleep and like to maintain a 9pm bedtime.
The following day we continued the day with "boy-stuff".. playing in the arcade, a game of lazertag and a trip to the pet shop to adore the cute dogs and other things boys think are cool.
I always knew the day I gave up looking for the Nintendo Wii that we would fall upon one to finally own. It just so happened that it made my son feel like his birthday was the luckiest of all. There was a game store next to the pet shop, and they were having a game competition. The boys went in to see if they had any Wii's and of course check out the competition. The store would typically be out of the Nintendo Wii's just like everyone else, but they received a special shipment for this competition and there was 2 left. It didn't take much for the gleam in the eyes of my wonderful boys to do what I knew I had to do. We quickly took home our purchase and have been enjoying it since.
The boys had a great weekend and it was nice to spend some fun time with them. Not to mention feeling like the "coolest" mom ever.

Kace is a great kid. He is sensitive to the feelings of those around him, he loves reading, space, chess, Harry Potter, playing in the water, the color green, building Lego's and leaving his hair long.
yep, I'm a pretty lucky mom too!

5 O'Clock Somewhere

2007-07-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

So really it is 3 in the afternoon... A Wednesday at that I might add. This has been a week where I could've used a Friday 2 days ago, sure it is only 2 days away now but it seems like 2 weeks. A few signs I need a vacation....

* Drinking (and looking for a good reason to drink)
* Sneaking out 30 minutes early every day
* taking longer than an hour for lunch
* Going home and having no energy but the craving of my bed

I am spent... the work gets done and love the work I do and the people I work with, I just really want to spend time with my boys, enjoy the "Dog days of Summer" and oh yeah stay up late and sleep in.

So I was staring at a file way to long when a bright idea came over me, why not make it 5 0'Clock! a week ago I was in desperate need of an alcoholic kick... Conveniently located across from my office building is a liquor store (they had a good plan) I decided my lunch would be a *Vanilla Coke*. I am a Vodka girl...

My stash has been left alone...what great co-workers =)
I snuck back to the small kitchenette in the office and slipped a little vanilla vodka in my coke. I'm feeling better already.

Back in the Rain of Things

2007-07-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

Its raining today, a little muggy but not too bad and rain is a good change in the middle of summer? I guess anyway.... What other state interrupts your 100 degree weather with cool rain spouts?

So last night I found a box that appeared to be of antique status. I open it up to discover slides... all slides of my mom, her family when she was younger and her father. Her father that died way too soon ... I think she was 5 (I always get the age wrong) but none the less she was young, too young to remember all the butterfly kisses and too young to ever get to experience the daddy/daughter anythings. I have only seen maybe one picture of my biological grandfather before so it was cool to look at these pictures, he loved the outdoors and the pictures in these slides were beautiful, gorgeous scenery so that led into my mom looking up on the Internet some of these places she went to time and time again when she was a child. I saw her sitting on this computer, reading off all these places and showing me pictures..... it made me think about how she would converse with my father about this. She obviously was delighted to share the places she grew up experiencing.

I could at that moment sense her need to want to express more, to maybe sometimes poor her heart out, but to who? She has kept her feelings, her deepest thoughts, fears and expressions pretty much to herself. I don't see her cry it out much, only sometimes she will tell me that she had a rough night or cried at something, but after it was done. I suggested to my mom that she should blog. She is on the Internet a lot and my personal feelings is that she needs to be able to express her feelings in a healthy manner. She claims she doesn't write, but you don't have to be a writer to be a blogger I explained. you simply need something and sometimes nothing to write about. For her she is a widow, her heart left this earth too soon. She misses him more than anyone including myself will ever know. She could write all the things she wanted to get out, ramble if you will. It is healthy and I have read enough blogs to know that it is the sanity piece for most. I showed her mine... okay, so I don't get into the nitty gritty of my life, my inter most thoughts but it doesn't mean I don't want to. I am actually wanting someday to write a book and if I share now then there will be no personal experience ideas for my book :)

I also have a hired, professional quiet room where I go once a week to verbally vomit what ever is on my mind and I am revived, ready to take on the next hour, day, week before the next time I get to experience more crap to vomit out. Thanks for that Michal!

Mom,

I know it is hard to express deep, personal feelings. You don't even have to go there, but I strongly encourage you to experience a bold expression of yourself. Talk about your dog, your grandchildren, and even your pain in the rear grown children :)

I hope anyone who reads this will help me... any comments of support you may have for my mom please leave them.

2007-07-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

Will Work For Food
Okay, well I admit I don't even see ones that read that anymore. Most are quite humorous or flat out honest... "why lie I need a beer", really that could be a lie, maybe the holder of that sign knows that the majority of passer-bys are thinking that anyway and what ever it takes to get you the change to buy your next meal.
Lets touch this subject for a minute, I have already hit Immigration so I might as well go down the list... and as a side note, I have never seen a Mexican on the side of the road begging for money... on a street downtown maybe where all the construction businesses know if you need a cheap hand for a day to go pick up one, but they work and work hard if even for that one day because they want that money just like the other 15 or 20 of them standing on the corner with them.

I have never met a true homeless person, I have heard stories that they make bank standing on the corner all day long, but I have never seen a true rags to riches story, and how much is "bank" when you don't have a home? so you need to rent a hotel for a night and eating out all the time because there isn't a home to cook a meal or keep groceries at for that matter.... what is the price it would take to have someone either down on their luck as the saying goes or flat out Lazy get back on their feet to be able to take a shower everyday, have a full time working job, a place to rent and transportation?... that isn't something anyone can establish overnight.
So lets just put it out there if you don't like them doing it, leave your window rolled up, don't look at them, don't give them your spare change and continue to drive on by. it isn't like he is standing in front of your house asking YOU specifically to give it to him.

I have spare change, and even a few dollar bills hanging around solely for this purpose. I don't care if they are going to take my one dollar to go get high, if they are going to do it, they are going to find a way to do it. I'm not god and I am not the ultimate judge come judgement day. I can only give a little something of what they dont have. Did you ever think what it takes for a person to stand on a corner and lose their pride, to be humiliated in the thoughts of those passing them. I have my comfortable heated/air conditioned car and house with a yard for my kids to play in, food to feed us and the comfort of knowing where my next check not to mention meal is coming from.
I always wonder what gets them to the point where they have become homeless, was it an addiction (of any sorts) or were there circumstances that spiralled in a negative affect. The saying is it takes anywhere from 6 months to a year to fully recuperate financially from a month of no pay/ no work. so imagine that month after month. And sure there are resources that can support and help the homeless, but when you think about the numbers there is never enough. Even if someone thinks it would be easier to stand on a street corner, I would guess that once they ventured out to try it, they would discover the grass wasn't any greener.
This is soley my thoughts and opinion, I guess that is what makes being human such a great experience, but for those of you who sit back and think this world is falling apart and there is nothing anyone can do about it... your wrong. The little things do help.

Follow the Leader

2007-07-05T15:29:00.001-07:00

Okay so I am going to do what everyone else with a blog is doing...writing about the 4th. Lame I know, but you don't have to read this...
I enjoyed the day for the most part, initially I was bitching because it was in the middle of the week, but really yesterday put a good break in this week. I did exactly what I have been dying to do... spend time with my family.
I busted out my cleaning skills, put the house in tiptop shape so others think I actually live like Monica from the tv show Friends. I was ready to host. Then the door opened and it all disappeared. My oldest sister has 3 girls and 1 boy, they are commonly known as the rat pack in my family. Ripping through the house and leaving disaster where ever they have been. I was filling up some water balloons for the kids and my brother grabbed some of the ones that were filled and announced he was going to "peg" the rat pack. A few minutes later Kace my oldest comes to me wanting more... I hand off the newest batch of readied balloons. Once I was done filling them all (and the demand was greater than supply) I went to join in this wet war. My niece, who is old enough to know they may have been more in numbers were not superior to the agility of the grown ups, hands me her last balloon... it was then I knew what I needed to do. I stand on the porch, pretending to be a spectator, my brother takes a break a few yards away. I make my mark and I was more on target than I think I ever wanted to be. Now even though the throw felt good and the fact that I pegged him so perfectly on the side of his face, I felt horrible. The water balloon carried so much force that it knocked his glasses off his face and I quickly felt a deep burning go thru my body. It was the glare from my brother, crap, I was screwed. I looked for a safe cover, there was no way I was out running him and even though I gained a little ground for defending the kids I was now in direct fire of this. All I could find was my mom, it was going to have to do... I hid behind her like a little child scared of a relative coming to give kisses, it worked out okay I ended up with water down my entire back, but I saved my face from the equal revenge I just gave my brother and that was good enough for me.

My brother carries the male stereo type in ever degree, fireworks was one of them. He loved them and had to have a lot of them... So we compared and shared. Kace is more of a mellow child and looking at family pictures or reading is just as entertaining if not more than fireworks, but Cris was a mini me to my brother, walking around with a lit punk in his hand... lighting them in his hand and them throwing them, over-all he was fairly safe and acted fairly mature about the handling of the fireworks. Between my brother and Cris though I was exhausted and happy when we were out.
Yesterday truly was a great and enjoyable day.

Mental Break or just a break down?

2007-07-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

When does life become so overwhelming that one just feels they have gone over the limits? Or knows what ones limits are for that matter... just when you feel like you can not handle anymore or go any further, something manages to pull it or make it go that extra bit but the feelings are that things are not moving forward. I'm stuck... the stress has bubbled over. I sat back through the beginning of this year thinking I just needed to get through the school year with the kids, that I just needed the summer break to breath and slow down, But every time I am turning around I have more and more over filling this cup of responsibility.

Michal asked me Friday what I was doing for me... I can come up with quick little blurbs of I went out and drank for a bit with a friend, or I got my hair done... but I knew what he meant.
Nothing, was my response.. I have done nothing for me. I have been taking off every other weekend when the boys go to their dads, I take a small overnight road trip to stay in a hotel with no contact, no responsibilities...just being spontaneous and doing things at whim. It is short lived though and the next day it is all over and hardly a memory is left standing when I return to the constant needs of those around me.

I felt as if I was going crazy this weekend, like I was officially losing it. I saw all my sanity and reasoning flash in front of me... I wanted to grab it... pull it back and get my self together but it was scrambled, going all over the place. I couldn't make it happen. I don't want to answer my phone, I don't want to email a friend, I don't want to talk to anyone. I am so independent I want to take all this garbage in... process it, sort through it and get it together... I feel as though I am officially losing it. I know I need to do something for myself, something where the stress and the worries will subside enough for me to regain the strong ground I had, to feel in control again and sort through things issue to issue.
This is an obvious sign I need a vacation from the very demanding job, and to spend time with my boys who are only getting older. I can only think of the song "Cats in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin. How true it is, and after losing my dad do those words have more affect than ever.

Crossing the line and the border

2007-06-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not one for joining the commotion of obvious public and national disputes, one that is a little more personal than most I feel I need to pipe in my 2 cents on though.
Immigration... yep, I went there.
Like a large amount of our successful population I work hard for the things I have, I give when I feel the need and urge to give, I am patient to wait my turn in line, I follow the laws and I pay my taxes. Immigration is its own planet of issues, it is a diagram with one big circle and in the middle it reads immigrants than little lines draw from the middle circle to other bubbles around it that display other topics/issues and those have lines with bubbles breaking down those issues. I wont go near the Presidents approach to handling this, as that will only distract me to in the wrong direction. I do however want to address how immigration affects me on the smaller scale, the personal level.
If you look in the top right hand of this blog there is a picture of my 2 favorite things... Kace is almost 9 and Cris is 7. My children are American, they were born and raised in America, as was I. Their father however was not. He came to the states at the age of 17 from a small city approx. 3 hours away from Guadalajara... his documents all the way down to the birth certificate were a fake. I met him when we were both 18. We married at the age of 20. We went thru the process of legalizing his status in the United States. He has applied for his citizenship this year.
Last night the boys were talking to me about their side of the family that are at risk, who did not complete the appropriate steps to be legal. I don't want to go as far and say they are innocent or that they don't deserve to be here, as that side of the family has been here for 10+ years and their fear and procrastination have them hiding in their homes now. It is obviously more difficult to get legalized, regardless of how long you have lived here, how long you have worked and up held status to be a good member of society. They have not committed crimes to their fellow neighbors, they have learned English and work just as hard to put food on their table and a roof over their heads. I know them, I know that they embrace their lives and the blessing of being able to live a little bit better and offer better for their children in the USA. The past few months they have had to sit their children down, their children who are also American citizens by right of being born here, and explaining to their children that one day their jobs or the store they are shopping at could be raided and they may not see them for a long time if ever again. It is a harsh reality for them, it is scary and devastating. They like Martin Luther King have dreams of being just like us, they messed up by not getting the proper paperwork, they know this... But it is hard to say that the ones who speak English, who work hard and pay their bills are being punished for those who sell drugs, rape, steal, and murder.
The United States is an accepting home to many cultures and walks of life, allowing us to share this with those who want to give back and make something for themselves and a good name for their culture. We have white trash, we have gangs, criminals and we have individuals in leadership positions who have taken advantage of their power and the freedom they have all the way from politicians to businessmen to religious leaders. We cant do anything but lock them up, but we do not make the rest of society pay the same debt as them for their choices. So why are we doing this to our immigrants?

Desperate Delaware

2007-06-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

I have a friend, an unsuspected friend... we are not 2 peas in a pod nor are we inseparable, as we have not seen or nearly talked to each other for over 10 years until 6 months ago. It seems as though we are a million miles apart in lives and worlds. It gives me a perspective how different every person is and how they choose to live their lives or even as much only know how to live their lives from what they were taught, brought up around and grew up in. I only know brief stories of my friend but she is still my friend and a person worth being a friend.

1o years ago I wrote a letter home from Alabama, in Boot Camp... The letter was to my parents and I was in my first week of Boot Camp, I was having a rough time adjusting and I wanted to describe in great details to my parents the things I was going through. The Letter explained that we are each assigned a "Battle Buddy" someone we train with, and do everything with to teach us to work as a team and rely on others... My "Battle Buddy" arrived. I felt doom come over me as I eyeballed her up and down and it wasn't a long way up as my descriptive words in this letter to my parents were pretty right on...."She is short, fat and I want to punch her" I knew the moment I saw her that she was the weaker link and for that, my days in Boot Camp were going to be hell. I was a city girl, she was a farm girl...there wasn't a more opposite pair. Funny how 6 months of training can make a person grow on you.

She is a friend more in my thoughts than most others, she left an unsuspecting mark on me that has changed the way I see people. 10 years ago I judged her for her appearance and where she was from, today She is the strongest, funniest and most spirited person I know.

So to the woman who changed my life, who sends me a text message every day checking up on me and who always keeps things interesting you are one amazing person and you will always have a friend way over on the other side of the states. Hang in there for what life hands to you, may god bless you for the things you do for others and continue to live and love life for what it is.

God Created the Heavens and the Earth....

2007-05-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

and I created a tween! My oldest son Kace is almost 9... not even in double digits and I am feeling the doom that lurks with warnings of preteen and even teenage attitude. I can hear the echo of my parents telling me my kids will be like me (that scares me). My latest invention to my own demise is a text messaging creature. I, myself text A LOT... I text standing in line at starbucks, the gas station and admittingly when I drive, but since I have been an idiot of distraction and actually slammed into the back of a bigger vehicle than mine I try and limit my multitasking to radio changing, coffee drinking and other quick small tasks and save the text messaging for 'waiting in line' moments or traffic lights. I text approximately 600+ messages a month, sometimes I am not even sure how I can do that much and I am sure there is worse out there, but this takes me back to my earlier bracketed comment about how my parents told me my off spring would be like me... I fear the bill that is already a paper weight will need extra postage for it to be mailed out from now on. At least twice a day I get a text message from him that simply reads "hi mom". I would like to think this will grow old and be a phase, but it is a long phase and until something Cooler comes along in technology I am stuck with my phone going off. It does beat the multiple 20 second phone calls of a kid too distracted to talk, I can now just text him and he can take 2 seconds to respond.

So going down my list of "tween" experiences...
*growing hair long
*talking back
*growling at me and slamming door
*telling me nothing is wrong when obviously something is wrong
*visiting the principles office 1 too many times
*always wrapped up in electronic games
*annoyed beyond reason with younger brother

I am sure this is just the start of a list that will only get tedious to keep up to date, I'd like to think I am ready... but when is anyone really ever ready.

SWF

2007-04-26T15:30:00.000-07:00

I did it. I stepped out into the market... no not those internet sites. I simply just expanded my inner peace. I have made a movement of letting go of the past that has weighed me down from even making a great effort to want to date. I don't think I even knew how much I let my "skeleton's" hold me back, and possibly admitting that I actually loved the guy I was with for the past few years. As much garbage that we went thru together and sometimes what I endured solely at his benefit I denied the negative impact that the relationship put on me. Even after I nominated a mutual split, I couldn't take down the pictures of "us" I still would answer his calls when he called and run to his aid short of over-extending myself. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen I found a user, but a user of the worst kind... One who had done it for so long they were unaware of their deceptive actions.
I went out Saturday night (my first time in a very long time... no I wont disclose how long) and although the club was a horrible scene it renewed a sense in me that I could really, really put forward the advise of my therapist and move both feet into today. I am confident that something better awaits and I am excited to be me and not worry about the exposed past.
I am every bit worth what I have to offer in return, no tricks, no lies... this is me.
I am a mother, a leader, a friend, a listener, a comforter, a comedian (well to some people) and much more. Now bring on the Boys!!!!

Silent Exit

2007-03-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

I received a phone call yesterday right before I was about to take my son to see a movie. It was my mother and it was Sunday. I imagined she was lonely and was going to ask me to come visit her. I was wrong.

It isn't like what she was about to tell me should be that big of a surprise but when death happens whether it be expected or not it is always a shock. She delivered the news that my grandfather past away on Saturday. He suffered declining health from a recent fall and essentially lost his will to continue living. He was older and had outlived 3 wives and his only 2 sons (my father being one of them). He had quite the life and the stories to go with it. It is hard to feel sad that he left this world, simply because he can now be with the majority of his family again on the other side. I actually feel more mourning and sympathetic feelings towards my Aunt who will no doubt be the last person to bury every single one of her family members. I honor her for that and the strength she carries to move forward with this process of a very big burden on her heart and soul.

My grandfather served his life and career in the military, he was a B 17 bombardier and fought in WWII bringing with him the physical and mental wounds from his missions. He flirted with death so many times and in the end, he really was the winner. Living a long life... I shamefully did not know my grandfather or the full length of his stories and life. I learned the majority of these stories through my own father, who admired his dad and gave him a tribute to his many years in the service and accomplishments. My father made a website to tribute his dad and his 50 missions. This website is still up, unknown how much longer it will be though. www.50missions.net.

I think sometimes how so many people do so many great things in their lifetime, most of them humble about their charities and accomplishments and then they take a small bow and silently exit this earth without few people knowing what a great person they were. Even I feel as though I did not take full advantage of the awesome man that was my grandfather. And sadly like so many others, it is to late to start.

Truce

2007-03-16T11:01:00.000-07:00

Okay I give in.
You win... the fights, the gossip, the tickets, the stress that has caused loss of appetite and sleep deprivation. I call a truce 2007, you and me, starting over... new day and new year. I don't want a repeat of last year. I want success, happiness with my family and my self, I want to find the perfect fit to me. Can you please let the past few months go, put both feet into today and be ready to step into tomorrow? I would be forever grateful and will never forget you. In fact I will look back and say "2007, that was a great year and great memories".
So Truce my friend. Lets rock this year like never before!
Love,
Me :)

Is it over?... Good riddance

2006-12-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

Well the day was here and now it is gone. The proof is that I am at work, the guy who is standing out on the corner holding the sign that directs you to the mattress store... Is proof. I was not fortunate to still maintain "vacation" status like many others, and it is so very boring and slow today at work. I slipped out at lunch and brought my boys back to the office with me. They are playing with their new electronics and I am typing this blog. I could think of other productive things to do, but sometimes you have to let things be the way they are. I am grateful for the job that I have. To be able to bring my boys in when ever I want... That is a pretty nice luxury.

Christmas was a very nice holiday this year, like the rest of this year it was gone too quickly. I finished my 12 days of Christmas to a family I chose. Every night I delivered, I discovered something new. One of the boys was in my son's class, the mother always donated all of her time and effort to that class. I don't know if she was recognized for it at all if any, but I wanted her to know that I thought she was a pretty special person to do that. The first 3 nights I delivered I discovered that she did not have a door mat. I purchased one for her and it was out the next night. The night after that... A Christmas tree was put up and following the tree was the lights.
I saw her Christmas come alive, I would like to think it was in part by me. What I did not realize until 2 days before Christmas was that her husband is a long haul truck driver, that explained why I never saw him and then suddenly a Semi was parked in front of their house. She stays home taking care of home and family all day long every day, that is exhausting work. Christmas Eve, it was I who received a surprise, on her front door was a brown bag with a card that read "To our Secret Santa", She expressed her gratitude for our gifts and sweet thoughts, how much they loved the attention and promised to "pay it forward" next year. Inside the brown bag was an angel ornament, I can only guess that is because she thought of us that way. I am blessed to have brought love to another, and only wish that it was more common for others to help out. I was only trying to show appreciation and it was obvious that our secret visits brought much more. Next year we will find another family to share with and continue to pay it forward.

For the family, me, my Mother and twin sister made scrapbooks full of memories of my dad, for each and every kid (6 of us) and then a Grandpa and Me book for all the grandkids (too many to count) because my sister and I were involved in this project she made my scrapbook and I made hers. We exchanged them and admired the work and love that went into these books. I opened mine up and cried at the first page. I can't say it will ever get easier to look through these pages and not cry out the memories I have. This Christmas was about so much more than material things. I didn't officially bring the "real" meaning to my boys, we shared no stories of the birth of Christ, but I still felt a wonderful Christmas spirit and that's what was apparent to my boys and is good enough for me.

10 days and Counting...

2006-12-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

Its almost here... and just as fast,it will be gone. All that hype, energy and effort and then Christmas will be yesterdays news... last years news and thoughts of the Christmas coming in another 12 months will be on our minds.
Last night was the company Christmas party. No spouses invited (not that I have one to invite anyway)... that is the trend these days only employees can go and drink merrily with their co-workers and we can behave un like our professional businessselvess and act stupid. I work with a bunch of bank people and I have had "funner" parties, but for what it was... it wasn't too bad, after all it was a bank throwing the party and the drinks and food weren't half bad. What was bad is that my office is in another state and I had to drive with the flow of the states yuckiest traffic to scoot myself over to the "Couv" as we Portlanders call it. I left my office at 330 and arrived in the Couv at 600... this drive on normal hours (non rush hour) is normally 40-45 min's.
Yep, Fun times. It also was national news about the storm that was coming in. mix the crap weather with this drive and that party was so very welcomed in my head. I bailed early because unlike the rest of the bankers I had a 45 minute drive home in a storm, I had 2 glasses of wine and with the wind jerking my car I was sure I was going to get pulled over for erratic driving as I could not maintain my lane with the wind. As I pulled on my street, everything went black and then there was no power. sometimes I am in the dark about things, but literally this time I was in the dark. I got power back by 4 in the morning.
So with 10 days left, I have the shopping thing out of the way. I will be sending out the remainder of my Christmas cards (no "brag" letters) I dont really have anything I want to brag and share about anyway, it would be more of a "glad the year is over and all the crap that came with it". I will just wait out the rest of the year at work like any normal day in hopes that nothing else can happen to make this the most "worstest year ever".

Holiday Cheer

2006-12-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

I have my list, checked it twice, changed it 4 times and purchased almost everything on it and then some, except for one thing...
I rejected the idea of waking up at 5AM and making a mad dash to stores to pick up Christmas presents on sale. I knew what I wanted and what I wanted included room for my cart to buy these things. That is something that is un realistic with grumpy, pushy people the morning after Thanksgiving. So I waited and maybe even procrastinated a little to buy a Nintendo Wii (just like everyone else) I was under the impression there was plenty to go around and instead have found myself on the phone making calls to every store that could possibly carry one to find out when their next shipment is coming in. I found one place that actually knew the date of their next shipment and how many they were getting so today I left work right at 10am to go to the store and pick one up as they open their doors. I walk in to find out that the last 2 were sold to the 2 people right in front of me and that the shipment only had 5 of them not the 50 they had thought and now they don't know when the next shipment is coming in. Back to where I was...Empty handed and with no clue.

I don't NEED this Wii and I am not going to wear myself out trying to get it and absolutely refuse to pay anything over the normal retail price for it, but man how cool it would be to have one under the tree for 2 little boys...
And I guess if my only gripe is that I cant find this one item, then really there is no gripe. Christmas will still be a great time for us, The boys and I will each be picking a name from one of those tree's you find in stores and malls with someone's name on it and we will be going and buying the gifts this weekend. I want the boys to feel how good it is to give and not just receive. This year will also be our first year doing the 12 days of Christmas to a family in the neighborhood. It's been a down right crappy year and I can honestly say that it isn't turning out half bad.
The Christmas Spirit is alive and well in my house and my heart!

Leftovers

2006-11-28T14:13:00.000-08:00

Well Thanksgiving is gone and with it my anxiety was whisked away as well. I was prepared for Thanksgiving, and in prepared I mean I had my vodka by my side. I was prepared with my mashed potatoes and prepared for the oodles of kids that were sure to bring a hangover greater than anything I could get from drinking. I'm grateful for a family to share the Holidays with, I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is only once a year too. I looked around the table, examining the faces of my family members, trying to see if there could be something read from their faces or body language, something that could let me know that they too thought of course just how it wont ever be the same. I saw depression on one and true love on another, but neither possibly from the absence of the man that was the glue for this family. The boys seem to be missing him a lot more as well, I told Kace that it was okay to cry and think about the good memories of Grandpa and he replied "but I will miss him more". I promised him that it will help and over time it will get easier. I volunteered to find a picture of his grandpa that he can hang onto and shamefully I have not done that yet. I spent the weekend shopping like the rest but I had a different purpose. I shopped for items and treats to put together a gift basket for my dad's co-workers. When he passed away I snatched the ornament he had tucked away in his dresser drawer to protect it from what ever might come this year. My intentions are to visit his office and deliver this basket with the ornament he purchased a year in advance to exchange with someone at his office for the annual ornament exchange. His co-workers told me he was the only male that participated in this. What a great guy. Secretly I would like to keep the ornament but solely for sentimental value as it isn't a snowman and I most likely will keep it buried with the rest of my prized keepsakes. So I will deliver the ornament and probably cry as I do, knowing that a year ago he purchased the ornament thinking it would be him exchanging it.
I feel more at ease bringing Christmas into full gear, truthfully I have my tree up and every last bit of my snowman decorations, from salt and pepper shakers to bathroom handsoap to a wreath with happy white snowmen on it. My last request goes out to the Weather man... If you have any schmoozing ability at all with mother nature... I don't mind the snow, if you could have her bring some more please.

Waxed smiles

2006-11-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was pretty good. Took the boys to see Happy Feet, the little penguin movie, It was cute and humorous and I was silently relieved that we saw that movie over the 'Flushed Away" flick.. I am sure it is a cute movie, but I have no interest in seeing it. Friday evenings are always good for me, because I let go of all my loose strings to my living Diary (Michal) and I have discovered it is the one day I don't come home and crave Vodka and Cranberry. We are a few days away from Thanksgiving and I am thankful for my family, friends and blessings, but not looking forward to it. My father wont be there and I realized that I usually go to family functions to see him. This thanksgiving will also be at my brothers house, the same place it was last year and the last Thanksgiving where he was. Michal said it is very healthy to feel as if he is there and not to hide it. I don't know what I will feel, I anticipate it to be difficult so therefore I am not looking forward to it.

Saturday I took it upon my self to get back into the groove of my drinking abilities. The boys went to spend the night with their dad and I decided that I would do something I rarely do... Wax my legs, its a dangerous thing with me and not really painful in my opinion but I guess I don't pull my skin Taunt enough as I manage to take off a layer of skin with each pull. I am drinking of course and I have a guy friend over... He sees what this is doing to me and yet he is enticed by the smoothness and absence of hair after it is done, he loads up on a few drinks and is ready for me to apply this wax to his lower stomach and remove hair that bothers him. His hands are in fists anticipating the pain, eyes closed very tight... I tell him to breath and as he inhales I pull it off like a band-aid... He lifts his head to look, breaths again and tells me to keep going. The second section and strip didn't go as well, I applied, pulled and the results were only half of the hairs. He screeched in pain and declined to continue, jumped in the shower and shaved the rest off instead. I thought his attempt was honorable and think of the movie 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' where there are patches on his stomach with no hair. I will ask in a week for him to show me his bare spots. After our waxed fun we headed to a hole in the wall that is famous for its jumbo nacho. We order this "famous jumbo nacho"it comes out on a platter that is bigger than one that accompanies a pizza of large proportions. I dive in and enjoy, we watch football on one TV in the right corner of the room and the left TV flashes the numbers for KENO... I have never played KENO so my friend explains it to me and we take some KENO strips and do hypothetical plays...We watch numbers that have been coming up more frequently than others and we both take our guesses as we watch each hand draw... I was unsuccessful and decide that I am not in the mood to play it. The beers are starting to hit me and we roll over the the pool table where I continue my losing streak to my buddy, who claims he is not very good, well I must be awful then, aside from a few good (lucky) shots I lost all 3 games there too.

I spent my Sunday laying around on my couch watching a marathon of John Travolta movies as the latest rush of rain comes tumbling through the great state of Oregon.

And as for the start of this short but busy work week... Bring it on... Bring it on.

Never Enough

2006-11-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

There is never enough time to do anything in this world...Except maybe too much time to be at work rather than whatever it is we would rather be doing. Not a day goes by while I am sitting here at work that I wish for once I was off somewhere else doing what ever it is I want to be doing. I try and take a vacation once a year, a real one... You know the kind where you pack your bags for a while and leave everything behind... I love Mexico, but who doesn't enjoy the culture, the food, and the weather? I haven't been in 3 years, I went to San Diego at the beginning of this year and the boys... They want to go back there this coming new year. I don't mind San Diego or California for that matter. There are a ton things in Cali and the weather down south is great to me.
I want a real good one though, it doesn't have to be in a foreign country... It just needs to be far enough away where a phone call from my boss asking me to come back and he will make it up to me later won't be possible for him to do.
I took a vacation, or some time off I should say, right at the start of school. During the days I spent my time volunteering and helping my mom with her own class of 1st graders. It wasn't really a vacation, work was still on my mind and phone calls from the office still came in, but being with 1st graders that aren't your own and your not the teacher either.... That was a joy.

I wish I could win millions... Not to be greedy, I couldn't anyway I am a very giving person and I have a gigantic family... But just so I could go and do what I needed to, wanted to do. I don't want to hop on a plane and fly out of the country, instead I want to go browse in shops and spend 3 hours preparing and making dinner without thinking it as a chore and exhausting myself. To go volunteer myself around a more realistic schedule.
Life is so short as it is, there are so many lessons we are supposed to learn and people we are supposed to meet.
My biggest gripe is that I don't have enough time with my boys. They are my heart and soul, we get to spend the evenings together but they are full of errands, scouts and homework, then there is their dad who jerks around and wants to visit on HIS schedule on weekends. I just want time to enjoy their "kid" years, to have a great relationship and fun growing up experiences... My memories of growing up consist of a lot of staying home with the brothers and sisters or babysitters. My parents had a full plate and you do what you got to do, hence why I work... But why is there never enough time to do what you really desire?

Same crap... Different day

2006-11-15T09:42:00.000-08:00

yep, that is how it has been around here. I have been on edge for a while and I noticed that I take favor to my drink a lot more right now. All I have been feeling is that I am walking through my days with the same crap, just a different day. I am anxiously awaiting my Friday appointment with Michal, to sit in his very feng shui office, the environment, the smell and the colors. Every Friday I take my week full of crap and I sit in his black leather couch, take a deep breath, look around and then unload... Poor guy, he is soo good at what he does though and I am very happy to have him.
I don't know if it is the holidays presence that is bringing this on or if it is the ruthless cycle of grieving, but I miss my dad. I miss him so much.
In 1996 I had just joined the Army and I was glad to leave my family, leave the same routine and that dirty house. I had no idea what awaited me when I arrived on the training base, but that last thing I expected was for my father to be my closest supporter and biggest fan. The first 2 weeks of boot camp they put us in 'total control', no freedom and no phone privileges. I was barely 18 and since I was the black sheep of my house and very famous for breaking the rules, I thought it was crap. I had a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I couldn't call home. My family wasn't sure what was ahead for me and thought that I went on to forget about them. I finally got my chance to call home, I remember it because I didn't get to say anything that I wanted to say... I cried, no... I bawled unable to speak. The voice on the other line, my dad... Telling me to hang in there, he unexpectedly not knowing that I was terribly terribly homesick. From that day forward I received letters upon letters from him showing his support and love for me.
Today I still have the letters, they are worth more than gold to me. I dug them out last night and was reading them. He wrote once how he wished he would have given me a blessing before I left and that he regretted not doing that, but that he continued to keep me in his prayers and ask for an angel to stick by me. I thought about going to visit with him the night he died, but I chose not to and like that letter, I regretted not being able to do that. One letter in particular was my dad asking me if I remember when we would pass it each other in the hall and he would hug me before we continued on our way..'I miss that, I miss you a lot' he wrote. I miss that too daddy, I miss you a lot.
My favorite letter was him sharing a moment he had under the stars one night... "The stars came out, big, beautiful and bright, and I put on my glasses and looked at them for a while. I couldn't help think how we all live together in this world, and we are so pre-occupied with our own little things, and how insignificant many of those things are. I thought about the things that were the most important in life, like love, and family, and service to our fellow-beings. When we die it truly won't matter whether or not we had a lamborgini, or whether we were good skiers or that we owned summer homes in the mountains."
I am the person I am today because of him and the lessons he taught and the words and feelings he shared. I wish I could remember that during times like this. I am glad I read that letter last night, it is still the same crap, but whether it truly matters or not is what I need to remember.

MISSING:

2006-11-08T09:36:00.000-08:00

I have been searching and searching and I think it is lost, it has the colors brown, burnt orange, red and green. It usually comes this time every year, there are turkeys, harvest decorations and plenty of thanks to go around.
I walked into the store yesterday and something was missing, I saw Halloween decorations and candy on sale for 70% off and the isles were full of blue, white, green and red. There where ornaments galore, trees, stockings and Christmas lights.... Where was Thanksgiving? It is only a couple weeks away and every memory and thought of it is missing. I am not a huge fan of Thanksgiving, mostly because this year I am stuck bringing mashed potatoes and you can't bring the instant kind to the family gathering, but it is still an important holiday that lets us busy, rushed, impatient, rude and plain down right ignorant people to slow down and be thankful for the friends and family we have, not to mention the food on the table and the roof over our heads.

Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday and why should we wait for this once a year occasion to do what we should be doing more often. Visit family more, even if they drive you insane. Spend more relaxing meals together... It isn't so we can all become happy holiday fat year round, but so we can have conversations that we missed or put off, so that we can stay in tune to the things that really matter instead of watching 'Entertainment Tonight' to get the latest scoop on the Britney and KFed divorce that was just announced. I'm a procrastinator I hold off to do these things I am preaching just as much, but instead of waiting for the new year to make a resolution, start that change with Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is missing. We are all just as guilty for the lack of presence it has in the stores.
If you find your grateful help me find it, help us bring it back....

Lock In

2006-11-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

This past weekend the boys and I got to experience something that most people have to commit some kind of crime to get it. We got to spend a night in jail.
The city of Portland built a new jail facility to transfer and house minimal security inmates, they mis-budgeted however and it has sat empty for about a year now.
I find it very coincidental that the county sheriff chose such an opportune time to promote himself and the county by allowing the boys scouts to spend a night in jail, but of course I bite and decided it would be fun. Our meals were jail food (great diet for those of you who are looking for the newest trend). Surprisingly they had a great facility and if I was homeless and hungry I might want to try something to have an extended stay in the jail.
While we were there the boys were shown defense tactics, got to operate night vision equipment, and watch a police dog demonstration (my favorite part). The following morning they got their mug photo's and fingerprints.
Over all the experience was fun and exhausting. I' m not sure it deterred the boys from thinking jail is bad and to not want to go back there. Although they were not allowed to bring any electronics, the staff was friendly and they did not lock us in any rooms. We had the ability to go outside and walk the halls as we pleased.

Something About Today

2006-11-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

There is something about today, he would type in an email that he would send me every 310th day of the year.
There were some big things that happened on this day....
In 1813 Mexico declares its independence from Spain and in 1860 Abraham Lincoln was elected our 16th President, but something else happened too.
Hmmm, maybe it was that RCA displayed its TV for the press in 1936 or in 1952 the first Hydrogen bomb exploded? No that's not it either.
Well, in 1985 the 22nd space shuttle mission 'Challenger9' landed at Edwards Air Force Base and in 1986 President Reagan signed the landmark immigration reform bill.
Oh I got it! In 1977 on this day your mother was in labor and gave birth to 2 beautiful baby girls, I remember when they were rolling you out of the delivery room in the warmer and those eyes looking all around. We didn't know we were having twins and that was a sweet surprise.
Happy Birthday Baby!

This isn't one he sent to me, and I wont receive another, I will treasure the ones I have received and miss the years to come where I would expect them. They were cheesy and they were full of his love to tease. It is funny (not in the real sense) how you miss the little things and how much they really mean to you when you don't get them anymore. I'm a daddy's girl, always will be. I will enjoy my day today but understand that it just wont be the same without him.

Other famous people I share this day with are:
1932 Don King
1946 Sally Field
1955 Maria Schriver

My favorite things:
The Color Yellow
Clowns
Snowmen
Sunflowers and Tulips
Piano Music
Driving Scenic Routes
The Smell of Lavender
Chic Flicks
Being a Twin
The Number 5

Twin-isms

2006-11-01T15:16:00.000-08:00

The most asked question I get when people discover I am twin is "what is it like to be a twin".
I try not to respond with too much sarcasm, but lets stop and think about this... I don't know what it is like to NOT be one, so I usually reply with "I don't know? What is it like to not be one?" They usually catch on with that comment.
Twins are a wonder and exciting to people. We are identical so we look alike and sound alike. To this day there are people who take second glances and we don't even wear our hair the same length or even color,our body types are different and our style of dress are different. Growing up our friends and family were confused easily and we had a lot of nicknames such as twinie so that they did not look stupid because they didn't know which one they were talking to or looking at. We have switched classes on April Fools day, we were a hit as flower girls at everyone's weddings and were participants in look alike contests. Best one of all is to be the poster child for your twin when the other wanders off in a public place and you are the best thing to what she is wearing and looks like.
Pro's to being a twin: you always have someone to go with you on that first day of school, someone to share that secret with, and double the amount of friends, but nothing replaces the best friend you had since you were born.
Con's are it is sometimes hard to gain your own individuality, as we are older this has definitely become easier. On that same note, as we have gotten older we have grown apart... I think that in our hearts we think of the other daily, but we have our own families and live a distance apart.

The Best part of being a twin is the moments you only hear about, and you can be a skeptic or think I am full of it, that is your right, but we have a connection and that has been proven to us on some occasions. In kindergarten I was foolishly dancing on the dinner table(parents obviously not in the room) I fell off and became temporarily blinded, that same year my twin fell off her bike and too became temporarily blinded. Once in the Jr. High I was sitting in Science class with a pencil in my hand and my thumb started to hurt, so much that I was crying. There was nothing wrong with me. My sister had shop class that same period and had almost cut off her thumb (same thumb as mine that was hurting). I found out after class what had happened.
High School I was a terror and stayed out all night one night, not calling or letting my parents know where I was out, my twin advised my parents that I was alright because she could sense that I was. Four years ago my twin sister was pregnant with her first child, one day while we were in the mall together my stomach started to ache, I looked at her and she was having a contraction those contractions continued for a while ( I know I felt them). Just this year, I was going thru a hard time and she sent me an email that meant the world to me, the catch to that one was it was a letter she wrote over a year ago and never sent and happened to pull it out and send it to me, just because.

If some how there was a choice to either be or not to be, I would still be a twin. I would share the clothes, the room and the toys. To my other half, I love this, this is to us and almost 29 years together, you couldn't get rid of me in the womb and you can't get rid of me now :) Love ya!

The Way I see It

2006-10-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

I am a Starbucks addict and while there is nothing wrong with me being addicted to my triple shot of coffee I am clobbered with the Starbuck Trends. For the last year the cups come with comments they have dubbed 'The Way I see It' ....Creative.
I don't always read them, but today I did read it and I am going to post it below. For me I agree with this one hundred percent, I couldn't have said it better myself.

I think when we get angry at others, most of the time, we're really angry at ourselves. It is not "us versus them" - we are all connected. Perhaps the anger comes in how much of "us" we see in "them". Whether it is cutting someone off or taking more than one's share, perhaps we are angry at ourselves for doing similar things every day. In any case, change will come when we stop pointing the finger and start looking in the mirror. - The Way I See It #177.

I am not a complete saint in this area, but I know that what I do and say will affect and mold my children. Kids are cruel enough and easily influenced. We don't know what kind of a day another person has had and when we smirk our bad mood to someone else that is passed on to the next person they run into. I always tell a friend of mine to "stop and think, before you speak". Once you say something it is not as easy to take it back, whether you meant it the way it was recieved or not.

Sassy Six

2006-10-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

I don't remember what I was like when I was 6 years old really, except that on Halloween I was all dressed up and excited to go out and get candy, so excited that I ignored the screen door that was mostly glass and busted right through it, breaking it as I tried to make my grand exit to the street. Halloween and my carebear costume had lost its charm that year.

My baby (I know pathetic to still call him that) is 6 years old, he is cute, smart and comes with a ton of character. Last week he called me while I was still at work, wanting to know if I could hear the music in the background, asking me if I remember this song, as if it was from the 80's (it wasn't, it was 'Survivor' by Destiny's Child). He continued his conversation by asking me what the weather was going to be like tomorrow so that he could select what he would wear the following day.... "Does my 'Born to be cool' shirt match my blue shorts?".
He is six, and while I sometimes catch him playing his gameboy or with his cars... I wonder if he is too old for his age? Or if I still see him a lot younger than what he is. He hasn't gone thru a growth spurt yet and still has the adorable chubby cheeks he was born with, hasn't lost any teeth yet, and still wears a size 4 toddler in pants.
The adult manner in him comes out when he gets angry (a vein in his neck comes out and the fist clinch as he screams his frustration), he ignores you very quickly (definitely a man thing). and his hair has to be just like so. Wednesday it was spiked with gold colored gel. Today is 'drug free' day at school and the color red is to be worn to show participation in being drug free (lets hope he still is) So he needed to wear red, but not any red, a red shirt that would match the same tone of red as his shorts and since his shorts have a blue stripe down them a blue sharktooth necklace and spiked hair with bright blue hair gel in it would help accent it perfectly.
Like I said before, I don't remember much about being 6, but I am pretty sure I didn't care as much about my hair being combed let alone styled or what clothes I wore.
He is six, and I already feel old and out of date.

Smackdown

2006-10-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

It is getting towards the end of October and things start to get scary and ugly. This year I am not talking about Halloween. I am talking Politics. I don't really know if I am an ass or an Elephant or the middle of the fence kind of gal. What I do know is that I have an opinion, but not enough to get a phone call on my cell phone at 9:30 at night from a survey company who wants my political opinion so that they (they as in the survey company) can take their new finds back to whom ever is paying them way to much money and predict the ending results by this tedious list of questions they ask.
Like I said, I have an opinion, will I vote on my opinions? Maybe not. Do I think it is important enough to check my yes on 42 or 48 or to go for one governor over the other? No. I would rather vote for cartoon characters and to bring Pluto back as a planet before I punch my brad or use my #2 pencil to circle in my choice.
I hate tele-marketers who try and sell you something and they make it sound great, but everytime you buy what ever it is, it is never as good as they said it was. For me this is the same as voting. The last time I voted was for the presidential election and it wasn't for the man who is running things right now, but had I voted for him, I would want my money back.
I was watching the governor's Tee off on a debate the other night, and it was more of a who had more dirt on who kind of show, which made it fun to watch as they tried to drag the other one out, but it gave a feel of immaturity and made me realize I was watching a WWF Smackdown with words. I am supposed to vote for one of these yahoo's? What is the middle choice if I don't like either. There isn't, except not to vote and not to donate funds for the bashing TV ads and Newspaper articles that dish on their opponent. Bring it on folks and in the end I hope you are successful and happy with sitting in the winners seat by doing exactly what you teach your children not to do.

Thursday is the new Friday

2006-10-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

"Thursday is the new Friday" I heard my boss say that yesterday, probably in explanation to someone as to why he hasn't hardly worked a Friday this year, including today. I guess it could happen, things are changing everyday... And even though it doesn't look, feel, smell or act like something, we like to force it to be.
Pink is the new Blue: I encourage this one, pink is a very favorable color, it compliments, softens and adds flare to things. It also speaks of confidence for those men who are not afraid to show this side of themselves.... If you pop your collar, get your eye brows waxed and other "primping" things than you might be...
Metro is the new Gay: This is for those guys who don't swing that way, but admire and care for themselves as much if not more than some women. I like this one too, there is no longer a reason a guy needs to be a slob or care less about how he looks and men find they get a certain kind of attention - this trend might have gone out like bell bottoms, but I don't think women will let it die so easily... I call the Metro look also the Abercrombie look.
0 is the new 4: Size apparently matters. The skinny stars and super models are tinier than ever. Marilyn Monroe was not a small waisted diva, she had some curves and was the Icon for sexy. A lot of older day art also has the woman's body displayed with curves as well. If you are a size 0 there is nothing to show for sexy. I notice that size 8 (my size) is usually the size missing off the rack, all I can find hanging there is sizes 0 thru 4. My interpretation is there are more 8's than 0's.
There are so many more, you get the idea. I wish the Thursday one applied to me. I could use the extra weekend day.

SUV: Sport Utility Vehicle? or Stupid Unyeidling Vehicle?

2006-10-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

You can always get a feel for how the day will go by a glimpse of your morning, mine starts out with the morning routine (there isn't one) I mean I try and it usually goes as good as it can. If the boys get up early enough they get to pick out their cereal of choice and watch cartoons while I get ready. If not they get a pop tart on our way out the door. They tend to like the idea of watching cartoons and having their stuff together. Which in turn helps me out. Mornings have been good with our makeshift morning routine, so the next step is my religious coffee stop. I don't care if I am going to be 15 minutes late to work, I am getting my coffee.
I pull into the parking lot and see my destination... A parking spot straight ahead, and close to the front door. So the vehicle in front of me grabs one open spot and I try and slide my small but very cute blue car in the spot next to it. It wont work, I mean, I could get in the spot but no one would be able to open their doors. The vehicle that parked right before me was a Chevrolet Suburban. I start to feel attitude coming up, I quickly back up and pull into another spot, while this spot is not as close to the door and it is finally raining in Oregon like good 'ol days I walk the extra 10 feet to the front door that carries the smell and warmth of my morning happiness in a cup.
The driver of the Suburban looks at me, I am anticipating a comment from him, and since I haven't had my coffee I automatically assume it would be somewhat similar to my attitude that started to grow as I couldn't park because this honkin car hogged up 2 spots. He holds the door and says "Please go in first, it is the least I could do since my car is parked over the line" . My manners come back to me in a snap and the attitude left as quick as it came. He comments about how the car is a pain to park and a pain in his wallet for gas, that his 16 year old son just got his license and he needs a smaller car for his son to drive.
So my morning went pretty well and my day hasn't been so bad. Had this situation gone differently I am sure the day too would follow with a less than favorable mood.
This whole thing just got me thinking about SUV's though... I cant speak much out of the Northwest states, but we here are obsessed with SUV's.... They are great for the changes in the weather and grocery shopping and large families that want to look better than driving the "mini van". BUT and that is a big but, they take up a lot of space, you can't fit them anywhere and the drivers of these notoriously huge vehicles tend to carry a lot of attitude, whipping into lanes and parking spots they don't fit in. It might suck, but park further out where it is okay to take up 2 spots... in this "fat" America there are plenty of spots further away from the doors because no one wants to even walk far from their cars! Is it really necessary to have a vehicle so enormous? The Hummer now has a mini version of its monsterous metal on wheels to a more reasonable mid size suv... And my thoughts are not about ALL suv's just the ones that should require a special license and driving class to own and operate.

One in a Trillion

2006-10-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

My Friend Joe said to me, "you should title your blog 'One in a Trillion' because your more rare than One in a Million", in the case of the United States it would need to be 300 Million according to the Census.
He said this to me as we were discussing a trip he might take to Vegas soon as a birthday present to himself. I told him to hit up a classy gentleman's Club while he was down there. I have heard from others they are the best around. For some reason guys don't think that girls are too fond of strip clubs. I think they are great and I enjoy going and getting the attention. I also admire the women who are confident and sexy in their skin to share it. I don't think it as a sleazy thing, and I don't swing that way either. I find it odd that most men think it is cool that I enjoy them, Im not jealous is that why?
So I ponder the thought that I am more rare than One in a Trillion. Is it rare for me to be a single mom who is successfully staying a float financially? That I can run my house, tend to meals, homework, kids and be successful at work too? There isn't a choice for me not to, there isn't a choice for me to pass responsibility onto someone else, because there isn't someone to pass it on to. Im not going to let my world, life and home fall apart because I don't have someone to pick up the slack. I don't do well with failure. I have had enough failure in my life that it isn't about to happen just because I am dubbed "single mom".
Is it my personality that makes me rare? My friendly, understanding personality. The sense of humor that I carry with heavy sarcasm? My love of Football, beer, foul language and Cops?
*WARNING* still very high maintenance... I wont go outside without looking cute. I get my hair done religiously, buy expensive name brand makeup. Stylish clothing (even the boys have to match every morning) I don't like wet towel's anywhere but the hamper, especially not on the bed! I do my own French manicure on my hands and toes every 2 to 3 days. I buy a Triple Venti Non-fat, No Whip White Chocolate Mocha from starbucks every morning (Jealous Cory?).
My point is I am just like a Trillion other people out there, each a little different in their own way, I feel I am destined for more, but as far as I go... Im still regular, like everyone else.
I do appreciate the compliment Joe, you are always sweet and kind to me.

Open Wounds

2006-10-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

We are officially stuck in the middle of the week. Monday has us blocked in and Wednesday the notorious "hump" day isn't quite here so I am saturated with work, stress and what feels like a really long week still ahead.
I have been seeing Michal now for 3 months. Progress? Of course, and while my initial reasoning for needing therapy or counseling or a bitch-fest (to each their own) is not why I see him now. I have progressed in area's I didn't even know were really issues. One in particular hits a little rough today.
I get a phone call at 8am on the dot. Phone calls at 8am usually are family and this one was close enough. A person in my prayers and thoughts had past away at 5am this morning. 88 years old, but you would have never thought by the way this man moved, spoke or physically looked that he was near the age he really was. His dear wife sent out an email message to everyone and these were her words.... "Our 'Jake' has gone. He had a quiet passing and it was time for him to leave. He was such a wonderful man and husband, and it will be a great loss to many."
This email and event has opened up a fresh wound for me. While old is never old enough and I am not sure there really is "a time to go". Someone's, someone is gone. Whether she knows it or not she will see him again, but until then it will feel as though another eternity has fallen upon her, that it will never be soon enough for her to see him again.
'Jake' like my own father never let on how sick or in pain he really was.
I haven't lost a husband, or a child, but losing someone you love, you admire, you look up to and found no fault in... is hard. No matter the who, what ,when, where and why. It hurts.
I hope you meet my father 'Jake', he was and is a great man. Your in great hands. I will keep your wife and family in my prayers. Today I grieve all over again, and lucky for the sensitive me.... I cry.

Lovely October

2006-10-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

October is the month that begins true season festivities. The air is crisp, the leaves are changing to red, orange and yellow. The Sun still pops out and it hasn't rained (which is a surprise for us Oregonians), But the sun gives off a fake sense of warmth. The grass is no longer yellow or dead anymore, it might be a little crunchy from the morning freeze, but none the less it is green again. Its time to treck out to the pumpkin patch, ride in the traditional wagon ride, pick out that just right pumpkin for something that is sure to be a mess at my house with the boys.
Halloween is just around the corner- I have spiderwebs formed around my door, a skeleton standing guard to give a scare, so far it has only succeeded in its frightfulness to my 20lb dog, and a sign that welcomes Trick or Treaters with an orange glow.
Today is Friday the 13th...Superstitious? Not I. I believe in Karma, Fate, Horoscopes and pre destined events, but I'm not Superstitious, haha. My mom used to celebrate Friday the 13th with Ice Cream cones or some other treat. I love traditions.
October is the sign that the next 3 months are going to be hectic, with the weather changes, so goes the daylight, the will to go out and do errands as it gets colder and closer to the treacherous Christmas shopping routine. I can also officially buy my Christmas candy now, as the stores displays make sure you are well aware. My family is already talking about what the plans are for Thanksgiving and Christmas, what day can we all meet together and who brings what to whose house. I just want to get thru the rest of this day and I am forced to think about what I will be doing in 2 months from now so that I don't mess with anyone's plans? I wish I lived farther away, somewhere I could use the excuse that the drive might be too much. Im just not hip on the rest of my family lately, I don't really know why, I feel overwhelmed with them and frankly they don't make much of an effort to call or visit me either.
So on with the superstitious day and what ever it may bring, for now I focus on the great NW colors of the outdoors and the work on my desk that obviously wont disappear on its own.

Something better, something great

2006-10-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel that you are meant for something better. I think of all the things that are going well for me, yet somehow it doesn't seem to be enough... I want more.
I should be happy and content with what I have. I am not looking to be filthy rich (although it would be nice) I know money doesn't buy happiness, it can bring peace of mind financially though.
Mostly I know I am meant to be something more for me, to write and share my story? To be an advocate of something? I strive everyday at work to show I am worth that paycheck, that I am a leader, reliable, smart and innovative. I strive at home with the boys... Showing them how a family can be even if there isn't a dad around everyday. I can cook, clean, help with homework and fix things around the house. I am a superwoman and yet... I want more.
I'm religious; in my heart. I don't go to church every Sunday or read scriptures or say my prayers everyday. I know a relationship with god is important and a form of religion is important for families, but no need for over kill.
There is something out there for me that I can take on and feel ultimate success, ultimate happiness, ultimate peace. This isn't about worldly and material things, this is about finding something better within myself using the talent to be. To be great in my own eyes.
I want something better for myself. Where I don't feel the sluggish thoughts of "just another day" I quote Brooke Noel "something great is going to happen today, I cant wait to see what it is!". I am not sabotaging myself, and I appreciate all the days I return safely home to the boys and the fact that I can support a family of 3 on my own, that there is plenty of food and love to go around, but I don't consider those great! Where is the Great? I know I am meant for something better , something great. I just cant find it, I don't know what it is.

Easy Come, Easy Go... or is it?

2006-10-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

Well so far my entries have been about nothing, thoughts I was thinking. But none the less, nothing. Here is the true test: I can type this out, hopefully feel better and not worry that whom ever might read it will care. I will feel better and life will go on.
I have struggled with this past weekend. Mentally I want to break. I see Michal once a week, but when I feel like this I wish it could be more. Michal is my counselor. He helps me figure out why I do the things I do, why I pick the guys I do, why I have always dubbed myself the "black sheep" and have grown to accept it very well. I hate failing, more than anything and when failure strikes it hits me hard. And when I feel like I am close to failing or struggling with anything I get into a slump, that makes me miss my dad.
Dad past away in February of 2006, he was sick for awhile, I always knew he wouldnt make it but a few years, I just never accepted how soon it really would be. I miss him. He was my true, true allie. I went and visited the gravesight, took some flowers, cleaned the headstone. Something about the visit is comforting, I can talk, cry and feel as though I am right beside him and him beside me. I brought fresh flowers, they werent the most expensive, but they were fresh and it is more of a symbol to me. Something to say, hey Im thinking about you. I have neglected visiting him, knowing that I had pain building up. I knew the inevitable was a breakdown. I always feel better afterwards, but it takes alot to get me to go when I know what will happen in order to get me to feel better. I hate crying too.
Which brings me to my feelings of failure...
Yesterday, my youngest son went and spent the day with his father. I am a grown adult who wont hold things against my kids because of their dad, but this one urk's me. Cris spent the entire day with Augi. This wasn't his weekend, but we weren't doing much. The deal was I drop Cris off and he will bring him back at the night. I like it more that way because I want to prepare my house for the evening and bedtime, plus I hate the 25 mile drive there and 25 miles back.
Augi calls me and tells me that he is going to feed Cris and bring him back... this was 7:30pm. At 9:15 I call him and find out what his ETA is... he is still 20 miles away. 9:45 Cris is home. The first thing out of this 6 year olds mouth is, "Can I live with Dad?" I have heard the question before and always tell him when he is older he is more than welcome to choose, but not now.
Augi is a "disneyland" dad. He gets the boys every other weekend. He is also put down in the parenting agreement to have them one night in the middle of the week but that stopped very quickly, half of the time his weekends means saturday night to sunday afternoon. He is too wrapped up in his bachelorhood to be responsible. The kids eat like crap when he has them, bed time is whenever they fall asleep and they sleep in until noon - just so that I struggle to get them back on track for the school week. Augi has no idea what is going on in their lives with Scouts or school and never asks. (I gave up telling him). Augi drives a cool car, lives in a bigger house, and oh yeah, still has no rules.
Cris wasnt old enough to get a feel for his dad "when we were a Family" as my 8 year old puts it. Cris shares alot of the same interests as his father, music, cars, tools. its okay that they bond I encourage it, but I'm pissed to no end that he sends my 1st grader home to persuade me to let him go. " but mommy, you can see me every other weekend like dad does now, I get my own X-Box, my own room with a computer and it will only take 30 days for the paperwork so I can move in with him" "Daddy says to call him in the morning and tell him what you said".... Okay 6 year olds can do alot of their own dirty work, but this one smells of his dad. Unbelievable. I feel like a failure, I have failed at being the mom/dad/friend that my son wants. I know he isnt the decision maker and the answer is still no. I am not looking to be the "favorite" parent. I just want to feel like I am doing enough and with him so adament, upset and determined to leave... I have nothing left to feel but failure. And then I do my second thing... I cry.

Just another number... but numbers count!

2006-09-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

You've heard the phrase... we are all just another number. We all have traits and situations that obviously make us more than a number but for the sake of the phrase. We ARE all just another number. Our whole world is about numbers, numbers are used for our paychecks, used with the Census, the IRS, the Schools, the Government, and on and on and on. Everything boils down to numbers. I hated math in school, I hated that everyone especially my math teacher told me that I would need it in the real world. I tried hard to make that a very false statement, but sadly I now have an addiction to numbers, I married my job 4 years ago and the marriage needed math and numbers to survive. My job pays the bills (another group of numbers, some of them are not pretty).

I love my job, well I better, I married it! I help decipher the crazy world of everyone's most expensive bill - there mortgage. There are a lot of fine lines, a lot of numbers, and a lot of stress when it comes to ones house. Right now its "month end" meaning your last push to close every loan that is close enough to fund. It helps those who didn't make their payment because they knew they were refinancing and spent their mortgage on other things and to avoid a derog reporting to another important number maker... their credit report, we must close their new deal! Month end is always a good time for a home buyer to move into their new home or just in time to get that cash-out to pay the bills for the month quickly coming around the corner.
There is the magic number of your rate too, that is determined by your credit and determines how much that mortgage payment will be. You see where this could go? crazy. I sometimes wish my stress and love of alcohol came from an occupation that was more life saving like a Fireman or ER doctor. To some I am a life saver, a marriage saver, a stress saver, and a bank account. For them I raise my glass. Cheers to my career, my number loving career!

Fresh Fish

2006-09-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, a breath of fresh air. Im the new kid on the blog. I have always wanted to do this and now I have done it, on to the next thing down the list that never gets shorter. I am a person like everyone else, someone who has something to say, but not sure you want others you know to hear it, sometimes to say things you wish you didnt but can't take back now. This is my freedom belt. Im one in a million (or more) who loves to write, share and get out whatever is hanging around in my head. 2006 has been a long year, I am gracefully waiting for the new year, until then I will fill these blank squares with words, thoughts, love, meaning and life.

hitting close to 30, just starting to enjoy the fact that I have so much more to do. I have the writing bug stuck in my head and the dream and desire to write a book someday, it will come. I have a pretty good self image of myself, I honestly dont lack in that area. If anything I am a snob or 'high maintenance' and I'm okay with that. I believe in the phrase "you cant love anyone else until you love yourself" Well, look out little 'ol me cuz I am in love myself. I'm not perfect, I could fit all my flaws in a book of its own, but thats what I love about myself. I am my own Mona Lisa.

Enough for now.
Glad to be here!