Lovely October

October is the month that begins true season festivities. The air is crisp, the leaves are changing to red, orange and yellow. The Sun still pops out and it hasn't rained (which is a surprise for us Oregonians), But the sun gives off a fake sense of warmth. The grass is no longer yellow or dead anymore, it might be a little crunchy from the morning freeze, but none the less it is green again. Its time to treck out to the pumpkin patch, ride in the traditional wagon ride, pick out that just right pumpkin for something that is sure to be a mess at my house with the boys.
Halloween is just around the corner- I have spiderwebs formed around my door, a skeleton standing guard to give a scare, so far it has only succeeded in its frightfulness to my 20lb dog, and a sign that welcomes Trick or Treaters with an orange glow.
Today is Friday the 13th...Superstitious? Not I. I believe in Karma, Fate, Horoscopes and pre destined events, but I'm not Superstitious, haha. My mom used to celebrate Friday the 13th with Ice Cream cones or some other treat. I love traditions.
October is the sign that the next 3 months are going to be hectic, with the weather changes, so goes the daylight, the will to go out and do errands as it gets colder and closer to the treacherous Christmas shopping routine. I can also officially buy my Christmas candy now, as the stores displays make sure you are well aware. My family is already talking about what the plans are for Thanksgiving and Christmas, what day can we all meet together and who brings what to whose house. I just want to get thru the rest of this day and I am forced to think about what I will be doing in 2 months from now so that I don't mess with anyone's plans? I wish I lived farther away, somewhere I could use the excuse that the drive might be too much. Im just not hip on the rest of my family lately, I don't really know why, I feel overwhelmed with them and frankly they don't make much of an effort to call or visit me either.
So on with the superstitious day and what ever it may bring, for now I focus on the great NW colors of the outdoors and the work on my desk that obviously wont disappear on its own.

Something better, something great

Do you ever feel that you are meant for something better. I think of all the things that are going well for me, yet somehow it doesn't seem to be enough... I want more.
I should be happy and content with what I have. I am not looking to be filthy rich (although it would be nice) I know money doesn't buy happiness, it can bring peace of mind financially though.
Mostly I know I am meant to be something more for me, to write and share my story? To be an advocate of something? I strive everyday at work to show I am worth that paycheck, that I am a leader, reliable, smart and innovative. I strive at home with the boys... Showing them how a family can be even if there isn't a dad around everyday. I can cook, clean, help with homework and fix things around the house. I am a superwoman and yet... I want more.
I'm religious; in my heart. I don't go to church every Sunday or read scriptures or say my prayers everyday. I know a relationship with god is important and a form of religion is important for families, but no need for over kill.
There is something out there for me that I can take on and feel ultimate success, ultimate happiness, ultimate peace. This isn't about worldly and material things, this is about finding something better within myself using the talent to be. To be great in my own eyes.
I want something better for myself. Where I don't feel the sluggish thoughts of "just another day" I quote Brooke Noel "something great is going to happen today, I cant wait to see what it is!". I am not sabotaging myself, and I appreciate all the days I return safely home to the boys and the fact that I can support a family of 3 on my own, that there is plenty of food and love to go around, but I don't consider those great! Where is the Great? I know I am meant for something better , something great. I just cant find it, I don't know what it is.

Easy Come, Easy Go... or is it?

Well so far my entries have been about nothing, thoughts I was thinking. But none the less, nothing. Here is the true test: I can type this out, hopefully feel better and not worry that whom ever might read it will care. I will feel better and life will go on.
I have struggled with this past weekend. Mentally I want to break. I see Michal once a week, but when I feel like this I wish it could be more. Michal is my counselor. He helps me figure out why I do the things I do, why I pick the guys I do, why I have always dubbed myself the "black sheep" and have grown to accept it very well. I hate failing, more than anything and when failure strikes it hits me hard. And when I feel like I am close to failing or struggling with anything I get into a slump, that makes me miss my dad.
Dad past away in February of 2006, he was sick for awhile, I always knew he wouldnt make it but a few years, I just never accepted how soon it really would be. I miss him. He was my true, true allie. I went and visited the gravesight, took some flowers, cleaned the headstone. Something about the visit is comforting, I can talk, cry and feel as though I am right beside him and him beside me. I brought fresh flowers, they werent the most expensive, but they were fresh and it is more of a symbol to me. Something to say, hey Im thinking about you. I have neglected visiting him, knowing that I had pain building up. I knew the inevitable was a breakdown. I always feel better afterwards, but it takes alot to get me to go when I know what will happen in order to get me to feel better. I hate crying too.
Which brings me to my feelings of failure...
Yesterday, my youngest son went and spent the day with his father. I am a grown adult who wont hold things against my kids because of their dad, but this one urk's me. Cris spent the entire day with Augi. This wasn't his weekend, but we weren't doing much. The deal was I drop Cris off and he will bring him back at the night. I like it more that way because I want to prepare my house for the evening and bedtime, plus I hate the 25 mile drive there and 25 miles back.
Augi calls me and tells me that he is going to feed Cris and bring him back... this was 7:30pm. At 9:15 I call him and find out what his ETA is... he is still 20 miles away. 9:45 Cris is home. The first thing out of this 6 year olds mouth is, "Can I live with Dad?" I have heard the question before and always tell him when he is older he is more than welcome to choose, but not now.
Augi is a "disneyland" dad. He gets the boys every other weekend. He is also put down in the parenting agreement to have them one night in the middle of the week but that stopped very quickly, half of the time his weekends means saturday night to sunday afternoon. He is too wrapped up in his bachelorhood to be responsible. The kids eat like crap when he has them, bed time is whenever they fall asleep and they sleep in until noon - just so that I struggle to get them back on track for the school week. Augi has no idea what is going on in their lives with Scouts or school and never asks. (I gave up telling him). Augi drives a cool car, lives in a bigger house, and oh yeah, still has no rules.
Cris wasnt old enough to get a feel for his dad "when we were a Family" as my 8 year old puts it. Cris shares alot of the same interests as his father, music, cars, tools. its okay that they bond I encourage it, but I'm pissed to no end that he sends my 1st grader home to persuade me to let him go. " but mommy, you can see me every other weekend like dad does now, I get my own X-Box, my own room with a computer and it will only take 30 days for the paperwork so I can move in with him" "Daddy says to call him in the morning and tell him what you said".... Okay 6 year olds can do alot of their own dirty work, but this one smells of his dad. Unbelievable. I feel like a failure, I have failed at being the mom/dad/friend that my son wants. I know he isnt the decision maker and the answer is still no. I am not looking to be the "favorite" parent. I just want to feel like I am doing enough and with him so adament, upset and determined to leave... I have nothing left to feel but failure. And then I do my second thing... I cry.