This Sucks

Happy Birthday Kace!!! I cant believe your making me so OLD!!!

So I haven't written in a while... for an understatement. Where does time go and yet what I am going to write about is totally a true testimony to where time goes... and the older a person gets the more regrets a person has about choices in the past. And moreover it just completely sucks that I am writing about this since I haven't written in a while and I didn't have the guts to simply pick up the phone.

I have an identical twin sister and her and her husband moved a gazillion miles away, which at first I was like whatever, I pulled my stubborn attitude together and used it to never talk to them again.

I liked the way Melinda put it... "mis-communication". Michal my therapist always says there is 3 sides to every story, mine, theirs and then somewhere in the middle is the truth, and not that anyone is lying or extorting the story any more than the other, just simply that each person takes a certain conversation or situation the way they want to take it, whether it was meant that way or not, and then there is the way things get handled...especially if it brings on what I call the 'mama bear' behavior. And this goes for anyone, but if I feel an attack on me and my kids I am all defense regardless of the true circumstances.... so in short since my sister moved, and before that we have not spoken in a year. I have still viewed my sisters blog, I love her kids and I love being an aunt and even though I took my crappy life situation out on them and it was misunderstood I still love and miss every one of them. I just wasn't big enough to do a damn thing about it. good thing I have the twin sister I do!

So today I read her blog, you can catch it here [http://www.howerton6.blogspot.com/]

and so famously of my sister she made me cry at work... she always knows just when to catch me off guard. Everything my sister said about sisters is true, she nailed my older sister to the T and I am thanking the heavens above she was so gracious when talking about me, because it could have been much worse and it has been. So time for me to say ...
I'm Sorry. it wasn't you, it was me. Just to name a few... how could you possibly be jealous of me? There was a hidden bitterness about our dad passing away and you still had mom, I mean you always had a better relationship with her and I felt like I got a short stick when dad was no longer here, not to mention that even though you and Cory struggled your blessings were more than I could ever want and Cory was and is a lot like the father I miss so much.
You have an amazing marriage, great and adorable kids and even though my relationship with mom is the best it has ever been, I still feel isolated from the bond I see that you have with her.
You say I am more pretty and a better dresser, but you're my IDENTICAL twin sister... so I don't see how that could be. I hide my spiritual feelings, I am more reserved about that side of things and both my sisters are much more open and warm about it, the beauty from that alone just makes you glow beyond any haircut or purse that I have to try and even feel comparable to you.
So in short, you are my better half, my example and yet a pain in the rear for making me cry and always being the bigger person and ending this stupid crap!

I love you and Cory and hope that we can all understand one another better each and every time.

Fell Off the Planet

Well it almost feels that way. I have been so shy on my blog. Silly thing is when you don't have a job, it makes it easy to forget a lot of things a person used to do as a routine. I have grasped my freedom, independence and feeling stress free. Almost too much... I am bored... crazy bored sitting at home, running silly errands. All things I desired a few months ago and all things I DIDN'T have time for before. I'm really not complaining, this boredom has allowed me to search deeper... question myself, what I can do for me that I want to do just because, and my answer... GIVE. Yep, what can I give to others, for free? My Time. It doesn't cost a thing and usually I am the one still left reaping the reward of giving, volunteering and sharing. Wow, that's a great win!

I have started looking for a job, reading classifieds, checking out websites and search engines. I know that a job search can take a few months and I want to be pro-active... not stressed and panic when the money is gone. I wanted to know what was out there, what kind of job I wanted to do. I have the moment to be picky right now and what ever job I choose may be the one I retire on I want to be happy with it... so I found it. Why not get paid to help other people. There are actually quite a few jobs that could fit this. There are your public servant positions and there are your media positions... Getting a job where my nose can be in something I enjoy and where I feel I make a difference. Soooo, no longer doing mortgages... I have also realized that the pay will be less, but I feel my blessings and joys will be more rewarding.

I sent out several resumes and have already had interviews on a few. I wont know until next week the results of those, but now I am conflicted... these positions are looking to be filled sooner than I anticipated. Do I take a job early than planned? I would need to work out day care and what about my volunteer commitments?
Also Katie is going to have puppies in a few weeks and I am a little concerned if she has her puppies when I am not home... you know the "what if something goes wrong" factor....

The boys are leaving for Christmas to Mexico with their dad in 3 weeks and I want to spend the time with them until they go. I have read up on "knock em dead" resumes, cover letters and interviews, but I have found nothing on how to delay a job offer without upsetting the person who has graciously offered it.

Uggh dilemmas and they are not necessarily bad ones.

No rain on my Monday

The weekend was pretty good, but my Monday was so much nicer... it was relaxing and a go with the flow kind of day. I am hoping to be moving by this coming weekend, which means no more hour and a half drives to take the boys to school, no more 120.00 in gas for a week. It's not like I have "precious time" anymore, but it means when the boys are out of school that I can have more time with them, we can get back into game night, dinner together and the routine of "our" home and "our" family.

I dropped the kids off this morning to school, we left fairly early because Monday traffic is either awesome or awful and I don't like to gamble, so we were doing great on time and no rushing necessary (which is such a mood killer for us all). I dropped the little guys off and headed back for my 45 min trip home (traffic is lighter on the trip home). I contemplated going for a run because the temperature is nice and it isn't dumping cats and dogs. I check emails, stuffed a load of laundry and my mom had a few simple projects I could do to help her out with for her classroom. I got started on those when I got a phone call from school. Cris was coughing and his eye hurt? "I think he just wants to go home" the school secretary said. I agreed with her, but he is in 2nd grade, he is a super star student and its Monday... we all need a day off just because. So I obliged to pick him up and off I go for another 45 minute drive back to the school. No run and no shower. I also didn't have it in me to go all the way back home to not only waste gas, but feel like I would be turning right back around to pick up Kace. So I evaluated Cris, game him a small dose of cough medicine I brought with me and we dorked around a shopping center, Cris played on the play structured we went to the book store and the computer store, we bought a few small things and didn't forget to get Kace a surprise treat too. It was nice. I got to sit at the play area like the other moms who are privileged to do that. I got to relax and chill and I got to spend time alone with Cris. I enjoy being able to get in individual time with each of the boys.

I have enjoyed my 2 weeks off so far, I have been searching different industries where I can take some of my related employment skills and do something new. Michal gave me homework... What I really want to be when I grow up, my words not his, but same idea. I went into the military and training for Military Police. I always wanted to be a cop, dated a few, watch it religiously on T.V., but it doesn't feel practical anymore. I am cresting 30. I have 2 boys. But it doesn't mean I can't get into something closely related. So I ponder everyday and check out every website related to job listings. I search EVERY category and read the job descriptions, waiting for a hint of excitement in me... wondering what I could do as job that would fulfill my needs and wants. I don't want to get stuck in a job just for the pay and I want to be realistic with my desires too.