Leftovers

Well Thanksgiving is gone and with it my anxiety was whisked away as well. I was prepared for Thanksgiving, and in prepared I mean I had my vodka by my side. I was prepared with my mashed potatoes and prepared for the oodles of kids that were sure to bring a hangover greater than anything I could get from drinking. I'm grateful for a family to share the Holidays with, I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is only once a year too. I looked around the table, examining the faces of my family members, trying to see if there could be something read from their faces or body language, something that could let me know that they too thought of course just how it wont ever be the same. I saw depression on one and true love on another, but neither possibly from the absence of the man that was the glue for this family. The boys seem to be missing him a lot more as well, I told Kace that it was okay to cry and think about the good memories of Grandpa and he replied "but I will miss him more". I promised him that it will help and over time it will get easier. I volunteered to find a picture of his grandpa that he can hang onto and shamefully I have not done that yet. I spent the weekend shopping like the rest but I had a different purpose. I shopped for items and treats to put together a gift basket for my dad's co-workers. When he passed away I snatched the ornament he had tucked away in his dresser drawer to protect it from what ever might come this year. My intentions are to visit his office and deliver this basket with the ornament he purchased a year in advance to exchange with someone at his office for the annual ornament exchange. His co-workers told me he was the only male that participated in this. What a great guy. Secretly I would like to keep the ornament but solely for sentimental value as it isn't a snowman and I most likely will keep it buried with the rest of my prized keepsakes. So I will deliver the ornament and probably cry as I do, knowing that a year ago he purchased the ornament thinking it would be him exchanging it.
I feel more at ease bringing Christmas into full gear, truthfully I have my tree up and every last bit of my snowman decorations, from salt and pepper shakers to bathroom handsoap to a wreath with happy white snowmen on it. My last request goes out to the Weather man... If you have any schmoozing ability at all with mother nature... I don't mind the snow, if you could have her bring some more please.

Waxed smiles

This past weekend was pretty good. Took the boys to see Happy Feet, the little penguin movie, It was cute and humorous and I was silently relieved that we saw that movie over the 'Flushed Away" flick.. I am sure it is a cute movie, but I have no interest in seeing it. Friday evenings are always good for me, because I let go of all my loose strings to my living Diary (Michal) and I have discovered it is the one day I don't come home and crave Vodka and Cranberry. We are a few days away from Thanksgiving and I am thankful for my family, friends and blessings, but not looking forward to it. My father wont be there and I realized that I usually go to family functions to see him. This thanksgiving will also be at my brothers house, the same place it was last year and the last Thanksgiving where he was. Michal said it is very healthy to feel as if he is there and not to hide it. I don't know what I will feel, I anticipate it to be difficult so therefore I am not looking forward to it.

Saturday I took it upon my self to get back into the groove of my drinking abilities. The boys went to spend the night with their dad and I decided that I would do something I rarely do... Wax my legs, its a dangerous thing with me and not really painful in my opinion but I guess I don't pull my skin Taunt enough as I manage to take off a layer of skin with each pull. I am drinking of course and I have a guy friend over... He sees what this is doing to me and yet he is enticed by the smoothness and absence of hair after it is done, he loads up on a few drinks and is ready for me to apply this wax to his lower stomach and remove hair that bothers him. His hands are in fists anticipating the pain, eyes closed very tight... I tell him to breath and as he inhales I pull it off like a band-aid... He lifts his head to look, breaths again and tells me to keep going. The second section and strip didn't go as well, I applied, pulled and the results were only half of the hairs. He screeched in pain and declined to continue, jumped in the shower and shaved the rest off instead. I thought his attempt was honorable and think of the movie 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' where there are patches on his stomach with no hair. I will ask in a week for him to show me his bare spots. After our waxed fun we headed to a hole in the wall that is famous for its jumbo nacho. We order this "famous jumbo nacho"it comes out on a platter that is bigger than one that accompanies a pizza of large proportions. I dive in and enjoy, we watch football on one TV in the right corner of the room and the left TV flashes the numbers for KENO... I have never played KENO so my friend explains it to me and we take some KENO strips and do hypothetical plays...We watch numbers that have been coming up more frequently than others and we both take our guesses as we watch each hand draw... I was unsuccessful and decide that I am not in the mood to play it. The beers are starting to hit me and we roll over the the pool table where I continue my losing streak to my buddy, who claims he is not very good, well I must be awful then, aside from a few good (lucky) shots I lost all 3 games there too.

I spent my Sunday laying around on my couch watching a marathon of John Travolta movies as the latest rush of rain comes tumbling through the great state of Oregon.

And as for the start of this short but busy work week... Bring it on... Bring it on.

Never Enough

There is never enough time to do anything in this world...Except maybe too much time to be at work rather than whatever it is we would rather be doing. Not a day goes by while I am sitting here at work that I wish for once I was off somewhere else doing what ever it is I want to be doing. I try and take a vacation once a year, a real one... You know the kind where you pack your bags for a while and leave everything behind... I love Mexico, but who doesn't enjoy the culture, the food, and the weather? I haven't been in 3 years, I went to San Diego at the beginning of this year and the boys... They want to go back there this coming new year. I don't mind San Diego or California for that matter. There are a ton things in Cali and the weather down south is great to me.
I want a real good one though, it doesn't have to be in a foreign country... It just needs to be far enough away where a phone call from my boss asking me to come back and he will make it up to me later won't be possible for him to do.
I took a vacation, or some time off I should say, right at the start of school. During the days I spent my time volunteering and helping my mom with her own class of 1st graders. It wasn't really a vacation, work was still on my mind and phone calls from the office still came in, but being with 1st graders that aren't your own and your not the teacher either.... That was a joy.

I wish I could win millions... Not to be greedy, I couldn't anyway I am a very giving person and I have a gigantic family... But just so I could go and do what I needed to, wanted to do. I don't want to hop on a plane and fly out of the country, instead I want to go browse in shops and spend 3 hours preparing and making dinner without thinking it as a chore and exhausting myself. To go volunteer myself around a more realistic schedule.
Life is so short as it is, there are so many lessons we are supposed to learn and people we are supposed to meet.
My biggest gripe is that I don't have enough time with my boys. They are my heart and soul, we get to spend the evenings together but they are full of errands, scouts and homework, then there is their dad who jerks around and wants to visit on HIS schedule on weekends. I just want time to enjoy their "kid" years, to have a great relationship and fun growing up experiences... My memories of growing up consist of a lot of staying home with the brothers and sisters or babysitters. My parents had a full plate and you do what you got to do, hence why I work... But why is there never enough time to do what you really desire?