SWF

I did it. I stepped out into the market... no not those internet sites. I simply just expanded my inner peace. I have made a movement of letting go of the past that has weighed me down from even making a great effort to want to date. I don't think I even knew how much I let my "skeleton's" hold me back, and possibly admitting that I actually loved the guy I was with for the past few years. As much garbage that we went thru together and sometimes what I endured solely at his benefit I denied the negative impact that the relationship put on me. Even after I nominated a mutual split, I couldn't take down the pictures of "us" I still would answer his calls when he called and run to his aid short of over-extending myself. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen I found a user, but a user of the worst kind... One who had done it for so long they were unaware of their deceptive actions.
I went out Saturday night (my first time in a very long time... no I wont disclose how long) and although the club was a horrible scene it renewed a sense in me that I could really, really put forward the advise of my therapist and move both feet into today. I am confident that something better awaits and I am excited to be me and not worry about the exposed past.
I am every bit worth what I have to offer in return, no tricks, no lies... this is me.
I am a mother, a leader, a friend, a listener, a comforter, a comedian (well to some people) and much more. Now bring on the Boys!!!!

Silent Exit

I received a phone call yesterday right before I was about to take my son to see a movie. It was my mother and it was Sunday. I imagined she was lonely and was going to ask me to come visit her. I was wrong.

It isn't like what she was about to tell me should be that big of a surprise but when death happens whether it be expected or not it is always a shock. She delivered the news that my grandfather past away on Saturday. He suffered declining health from a recent fall and essentially lost his will to continue living. He was older and had outlived 3 wives and his only 2 sons (my father being one of them). He had quite the life and the stories to go with it. It is hard to feel sad that he left this world, simply because he can now be with the majority of his family again on the other side. I actually feel more mourning and sympathetic feelings towards my Aunt who will no doubt be the last person to bury every single one of her family members. I honor her for that and the strength she carries to move forward with this process of a very big burden on her heart and soul.

My grandfather served his life and career in the military, he was a B 17 bombardier and fought in WWII bringing with him the physical and mental wounds from his missions. He flirted with death so many times and in the end, he really was the winner. Living a long life... I shamefully did not know my grandfather or the full length of his stories and life. I learned the majority of these stories through my own father, who admired his dad and gave him a tribute to his many years in the service and accomplishments. My father made a website to tribute his dad and his 50 missions. This website is still up, unknown how much longer it will be though. www.50missions.net.

I think sometimes how so many people do so many great things in their lifetime, most of them humble about their charities and accomplishments and then they take a small bow and silently exit this earth without few people knowing what a great person they were. Even I feel as though I did not take full advantage of the awesome man that was my grandfather. And sadly like so many others, it is to late to start.

Truce

Okay I give in.
You win... the fights, the gossip, the tickets, the stress that has caused loss of appetite and sleep deprivation. I call a truce 2007, you and me, starting over... new day and new year. I don't want a repeat of last year. I want success, happiness with my family and my self, I want to find the perfect fit to me. Can you please let the past few months go, put both feet into today and be ready to step into tomorrow? I would be forever grateful and will never forget you. In fact I will look back and say "2007, that was a great year and great memories".
So Truce my friend. Lets rock this year like never before!
Love,
Me :)