Leftovers

Well Thanksgiving is gone and with it my anxiety was whisked away as well. I was prepared for Thanksgiving, and in prepared I mean I had my vodka by my side. I was prepared with my mashed potatoes and prepared for the oodles of kids that were sure to bring a hangover greater than anything I could get from drinking. I'm grateful for a family to share the Holidays with, I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is only once a year too. I looked around the table, examining the faces of my family members, trying to see if there could be something read from their faces or body language, something that could let me know that they too thought of course just how it wont ever be the same. I saw depression on one and true love on another, but neither possibly from the absence of the man that was the glue for this family. The boys seem to be missing him a lot more as well, I told Kace that it was okay to cry and think about the good memories of Grandpa and he replied "but I will miss him more". I promised him that it will help and over time it will get easier. I volunteered to find a picture of his grandpa that he can hang onto and shamefully I have not done that yet. I spent the weekend shopping like the rest but I had a different purpose. I shopped for items and treats to put together a gift basket for my dad's co-workers. When he passed away I snatched the ornament he had tucked away in his dresser drawer to protect it from what ever might come this year. My intentions are to visit his office and deliver this basket with the ornament he purchased a year in advance to exchange with someone at his office for the annual ornament exchange. His co-workers told me he was the only male that participated in this. What a great guy. Secretly I would like to keep the ornament but solely for sentimental value as it isn't a snowman and I most likely will keep it buried with the rest of my prized keepsakes. So I will deliver the ornament and probably cry as I do, knowing that a year ago he purchased the ornament thinking it would be him exchanging it.
I feel more at ease bringing Christmas into full gear, truthfully I have my tree up and every last bit of my snowman decorations, from salt and pepper shakers to bathroom handsoap to a wreath with happy white snowmen on it. My last request goes out to the Weather man... If you have any schmoozing ability at all with mother nature... I don't mind the snow, if you could have her bring some more please.

Waxed smiles

This past weekend was pretty good. Took the boys to see Happy Feet, the little penguin movie, It was cute and humorous and I was silently relieved that we saw that movie over the 'Flushed Away" flick.. I am sure it is a cute movie, but I have no interest in seeing it. Friday evenings are always good for me, because I let go of all my loose strings to my living Diary (Michal) and I have discovered it is the one day I don't come home and crave Vodka and Cranberry. We are a few days away from Thanksgiving and I am thankful for my family, friends and blessings, but not looking forward to it. My father wont be there and I realized that I usually go to family functions to see him. This thanksgiving will also be at my brothers house, the same place it was last year and the last Thanksgiving where he was. Michal said it is very healthy to feel as if he is there and not to hide it. I don't know what I will feel, I anticipate it to be difficult so therefore I am not looking forward to it.

Saturday I took it upon my self to get back into the groove of my drinking abilities. The boys went to spend the night with their dad and I decided that I would do something I rarely do... Wax my legs, its a dangerous thing with me and not really painful in my opinion but I guess I don't pull my skin Taunt enough as I manage to take off a layer of skin with each pull. I am drinking of course and I have a guy friend over... He sees what this is doing to me and yet he is enticed by the smoothness and absence of hair after it is done, he loads up on a few drinks and is ready for me to apply this wax to his lower stomach and remove hair that bothers him. His hands are in fists anticipating the pain, eyes closed very tight... I tell him to breath and as he inhales I pull it off like a band-aid... He lifts his head to look, breaths again and tells me to keep going. The second section and strip didn't go as well, I applied, pulled and the results were only half of the hairs. He screeched in pain and declined to continue, jumped in the shower and shaved the rest off instead. I thought his attempt was honorable and think of the movie 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' where there are patches on his stomach with no hair. I will ask in a week for him to show me his bare spots. After our waxed fun we headed to a hole in the wall that is famous for its jumbo nacho. We order this "famous jumbo nacho"it comes out on a platter that is bigger than one that accompanies a pizza of large proportions. I dive in and enjoy, we watch football on one TV in the right corner of the room and the left TV flashes the numbers for KENO... I have never played KENO so my friend explains it to me and we take some KENO strips and do hypothetical plays...We watch numbers that have been coming up more frequently than others and we both take our guesses as we watch each hand draw... I was unsuccessful and decide that I am not in the mood to play it. The beers are starting to hit me and we roll over the the pool table where I continue my losing streak to my buddy, who claims he is not very good, well I must be awful then, aside from a few good (lucky) shots I lost all 3 games there too.

I spent my Sunday laying around on my couch watching a marathon of John Travolta movies as the latest rush of rain comes tumbling through the great state of Oregon.

And as for the start of this short but busy work week... Bring it on... Bring it on.

Never Enough

There is never enough time to do anything in this world...Except maybe too much time to be at work rather than whatever it is we would rather be doing. Not a day goes by while I am sitting here at work that I wish for once I was off somewhere else doing what ever it is I want to be doing. I try and take a vacation once a year, a real one... You know the kind where you pack your bags for a while and leave everything behind... I love Mexico, but who doesn't enjoy the culture, the food, and the weather? I haven't been in 3 years, I went to San Diego at the beginning of this year and the boys... They want to go back there this coming new year. I don't mind San Diego or California for that matter. There are a ton things in Cali and the weather down south is great to me.
I want a real good one though, it doesn't have to be in a foreign country... It just needs to be far enough away where a phone call from my boss asking me to come back and he will make it up to me later won't be possible for him to do.
I took a vacation, or some time off I should say, right at the start of school. During the days I spent my time volunteering and helping my mom with her own class of 1st graders. It wasn't really a vacation, work was still on my mind and phone calls from the office still came in, but being with 1st graders that aren't your own and your not the teacher either.... That was a joy.

I wish I could win millions... Not to be greedy, I couldn't anyway I am a very giving person and I have a gigantic family... But just so I could go and do what I needed to, wanted to do. I don't want to hop on a plane and fly out of the country, instead I want to go browse in shops and spend 3 hours preparing and making dinner without thinking it as a chore and exhausting myself. To go volunteer myself around a more realistic schedule.
Life is so short as it is, there are so many lessons we are supposed to learn and people we are supposed to meet.
My biggest gripe is that I don't have enough time with my boys. They are my heart and soul, we get to spend the evenings together but they are full of errands, scouts and homework, then there is their dad who jerks around and wants to visit on HIS schedule on weekends. I just want time to enjoy their "kid" years, to have a great relationship and fun growing up experiences... My memories of growing up consist of a lot of staying home with the brothers and sisters or babysitters. My parents had a full plate and you do what you got to do, hence why I work... But why is there never enough time to do what you really desire?

Same crap... Different day

yep, that is how it has been around here. I have been on edge for a while and I noticed that I take favor to my drink a lot more right now. All I have been feeling is that I am walking through my days with the same crap, just a different day. I am anxiously awaiting my Friday appointment with Michal, to sit in his very feng shui office, the environment, the smell and the colors. Every Friday I take my week full of crap and I sit in his black leather couch, take a deep breath, look around and then unload... Poor guy, he is soo good at what he does though and I am very happy to have him.
I don't know if it is the holidays presence that is bringing this on or if it is the ruthless cycle of grieving, but I miss my dad. I miss him so much.
In 1996 I had just joined the Army and I was glad to leave my family, leave the same routine and that dirty house. I had no idea what awaited me when I arrived on the training base, but that last thing I expected was for my father to be my closest supporter and biggest fan. The first 2 weeks of boot camp they put us in 'total control', no freedom and no phone privileges. I was barely 18 and since I was the black sheep of my house and very famous for breaking the rules, I thought it was crap. I had a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I couldn't call home. My family wasn't sure what was ahead for me and thought that I went on to forget about them. I finally got my chance to call home, I remember it because I didn't get to say anything that I wanted to say... I cried, no... I bawled unable to speak. The voice on the other line, my dad... Telling me to hang in there, he unexpectedly not knowing that I was terribly terribly homesick. From that day forward I received letters upon letters from him showing his support and love for me.
Today I still have the letters, they are worth more than gold to me. I dug them out last night and was reading them. He wrote once how he wished he would have given me a blessing before I left and that he regretted not doing that, but that he continued to keep me in his prayers and ask for an angel to stick by me. I thought about going to visit with him the night he died, but I chose not to and like that letter, I regretted not being able to do that. One letter in particular was my dad asking me if I remember when we would pass it each other in the hall and he would hug me before we continued on our way..'I miss that, I miss you a lot' he wrote. I miss that too daddy, I miss you a lot.
My favorite letter was him sharing a moment he had under the stars one night... "The stars came out, big, beautiful and bright, and I put on my glasses and looked at them for a while. I couldn't help think how we all live together in this world, and we are so pre-occupied with our own little things, and how insignificant many of those things are. I thought about the things that were the most important in life, like love, and family, and service to our fellow-beings. When we die it truly won't matter whether or not we had a lamborgini, or whether we were good skiers or that we owned summer homes in the mountains."
I am the person I am today because of him and the lessons he taught and the words and feelings he shared. I wish I could remember that during times like this. I am glad I read that letter last night, it is still the same crap, but whether it truly matters or not is what I need to remember.

MISSING:

I have been searching and searching and I think it is lost, it has the colors brown, burnt orange, red and green. It usually comes this time every year, there are turkeys, harvest decorations and plenty of thanks to go around.
I walked into the store yesterday and something was missing, I saw Halloween decorations and candy on sale for 70% off and the isles were full of blue, white, green and red. There where ornaments galore, trees, stockings and Christmas lights.... Where was Thanksgiving? It is only a couple weeks away and every memory and thought of it is missing. I am not a huge fan of Thanksgiving, mostly because this year I am stuck bringing mashed potatoes and you can't bring the instant kind to the family gathering, but it is still an important holiday that lets us busy, rushed, impatient, rude and plain down right ignorant people to slow down and be thankful for the friends and family we have, not to mention the food on the table and the roof over our heads.

Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday and why should we wait for this once a year occasion to do what we should be doing more often. Visit family more, even if they drive you insane. Spend more relaxing meals together... It isn't so we can all become happy holiday fat year round, but so we can have conversations that we missed or put off, so that we can stay in tune to the things that really matter instead of watching 'Entertainment Tonight' to get the latest scoop on the Britney and KFed divorce that was just announced. I'm a procrastinator I hold off to do these things I am preaching just as much, but instead of waiting for the new year to make a resolution, start that change with Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is missing. We are all just as guilty for the lack of presence it has in the stores.
If you find your grateful help me find it, help us bring it back....

Lock In

This past weekend the boys and I got to experience something that most people have to commit some kind of crime to get it. We got to spend a night in jail.
The city of Portland built a new jail facility to transfer and house minimal security inmates, they mis-budgeted however and it has sat empty for about a year now.
I find it very coincidental that the county sheriff chose such an opportune time to promote himself and the county by allowing the boys scouts to spend a night in jail, but of course I bite and decided it would be fun. Our meals were jail food (great diet for those of you who are looking for the newest trend). Surprisingly they had a great facility and if I was homeless and hungry I might want to try something to have an extended stay in the jail.
While we were there the boys were shown defense tactics, got to operate night vision equipment, and watch a police dog demonstration (my favorite part). The following morning they got their mug photo's and fingerprints.
Over all the experience was fun and exhausting. I' m not sure it deterred the boys from thinking jail is bad and to not want to go back there. Although they were not allowed to bring any electronics, the staff was friendly and they did not lock us in any rooms. We had the ability to go outside and walk the halls as we pleased.

Something About Today

There is something about today, he would type in an email that he would send me every 310th day of the year.
There were some big things that happened on this day....
In 1813 Mexico declares its independence from Spain and in 1860 Abraham Lincoln was elected our 16th President, but something else happened too.
Hmmm, maybe it was that RCA displayed its TV for the press in 1936 or in 1952 the first Hydrogen bomb exploded? No that's not it either.
Well, in 1985 the 22nd space shuttle mission 'Challenger9' landed at Edwards Air Force Base and in 1986 President Reagan signed the landmark immigration reform bill.
Oh I got it! In 1977 on this day your mother was in labor and gave birth to 2 beautiful baby girls, I remember when they were rolling you out of the delivery room in the warmer and those eyes looking all around. We didn't know we were having twins and that was a sweet surprise.
Happy Birthday Baby!

This isn't one he sent to me, and I wont receive another, I will treasure the ones I have received and miss the years to come where I would expect them. They were cheesy and they were full of his love to tease. It is funny (not in the real sense) how you miss the little things and how much they really mean to you when you don't get them anymore. I'm a daddy's girl, always will be. I will enjoy my day today but understand that it just wont be the same without him.

Other famous people I share this day with are:
1932 Don King
1946 Sally Field
1955 Maria Schriver

My favorite things:
The Color Yellow
Clowns
Snowmen
Sunflowers and Tulips
Piano Music
Driving Scenic Routes
The Smell of Lavender
Chic Flicks
Being a Twin
The Number 5

Twin-isms

The most asked question I get when people discover I am twin is "what is it like to be a twin".
I try not to respond with too much sarcasm, but lets stop and think about this... I don't know what it is like to NOT be one, so I usually reply with "I don't know? What is it like to not be one?" They usually catch on with that comment.
Twins are a wonder and exciting to people. We are identical so we look alike and sound alike. To this day there are people who take second glances and we don't even wear our hair the same length or even color,our body types are different and our style of dress are different. Growing up our friends and family were confused easily and we had a lot of nicknames such as twinie so that they did not look stupid because they didn't know which one they were talking to or looking at. We have switched classes on April Fools day, we were a hit as flower girls at everyone's weddings and were participants in look alike contests. Best one of all is to be the poster child for your twin when the other wanders off in a public place and you are the best thing to what she is wearing and looks like.
Pro's to being a twin: you always have someone to go with you on that first day of school, someone to share that secret with, and double the amount of friends, but nothing replaces the best friend you had since you were born.
Con's are it is sometimes hard to gain your own individuality, as we are older this has definitely become easier. On that same note, as we have gotten older we have grown apart... I think that in our hearts we think of the other daily, but we have our own families and live a distance apart.

The Best part of being a twin is the moments you only hear about, and you can be a skeptic or think I am full of it, that is your right, but we have a connection and that has been proven to us on some occasions. In kindergarten I was foolishly dancing on the dinner table(parents obviously not in the room) I fell off and became temporarily blinded, that same year my twin fell off her bike and too became temporarily blinded. Once in the Jr. High I was sitting in Science class with a pencil in my hand and my thumb started to hurt, so much that I was crying. There was nothing wrong with me. My sister had shop class that same period and had almost cut off her thumb (same thumb as mine that was hurting). I found out after class what had happened.
High School I was a terror and stayed out all night one night, not calling or letting my parents know where I was out, my twin advised my parents that I was alright because she could sense that I was. Four years ago my twin sister was pregnant with her first child, one day while we were in the mall together my stomach started to ache, I looked at her and she was having a contraction those contractions continued for a while ( I know I felt them). Just this year, I was going thru a hard time and she sent me an email that meant the world to me, the catch to that one was it was a letter she wrote over a year ago and never sent and happened to pull it out and send it to me, just because.

If some how there was a choice to either be or not to be, I would still be a twin. I would share the clothes, the room and the toys. To my other half, I love this, this is to us and almost 29 years together, you couldn't get rid of me in the womb and you can't get rid of me now :) Love ya!