Same crap... Different day

yep, that is how it has been around here. I have been on edge for a while and I noticed that I take favor to my drink a lot more right now. All I have been feeling is that I am walking through my days with the same crap, just a different day. I am anxiously awaiting my Friday appointment with Michal, to sit in his very feng shui office, the environment, the smell and the colors. Every Friday I take my week full of crap and I sit in his black leather couch, take a deep breath, look around and then unload... Poor guy, he is soo good at what he does though and I am very happy to have him.
I don't know if it is the holidays presence that is bringing this on or if it is the ruthless cycle of grieving, but I miss my dad. I miss him so much.
In 1996 I had just joined the Army and I was glad to leave my family, leave the same routine and that dirty house. I had no idea what awaited me when I arrived on the training base, but that last thing I expected was for my father to be my closest supporter and biggest fan. The first 2 weeks of boot camp they put us in 'total control', no freedom and no phone privileges. I was barely 18 and since I was the black sheep of my house and very famous for breaking the rules, I thought it was crap. I had a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I couldn't call home. My family wasn't sure what was ahead for me and thought that I went on to forget about them. I finally got my chance to call home, I remember it because I didn't get to say anything that I wanted to say... I cried, no... I bawled unable to speak. The voice on the other line, my dad... Telling me to hang in there, he unexpectedly not knowing that I was terribly terribly homesick. From that day forward I received letters upon letters from him showing his support and love for me.
Today I still have the letters, they are worth more than gold to me. I dug them out last night and was reading them. He wrote once how he wished he would have given me a blessing before I left and that he regretted not doing that, but that he continued to keep me in his prayers and ask for an angel to stick by me. I thought about going to visit with him the night he died, but I chose not to and like that letter, I regretted not being able to do that. One letter in particular was my dad asking me if I remember when we would pass it each other in the hall and he would hug me before we continued on our way..'I miss that, I miss you a lot' he wrote. I miss that too daddy, I miss you a lot.
My favorite letter was him sharing a moment he had under the stars one night... "The stars came out, big, beautiful and bright, and I put on my glasses and looked at them for a while. I couldn't help think how we all live together in this world, and we are so pre-occupied with our own little things, and how insignificant many of those things are. I thought about the things that were the most important in life, like love, and family, and service to our fellow-beings. When we die it truly won't matter whether or not we had a lamborgini, or whether we were good skiers or that we owned summer homes in the mountains."
I am the person I am today because of him and the lessons he taught and the words and feelings he shared. I wish I could remember that during times like this. I am glad I read that letter last night, it is still the same crap, but whether it truly matters or not is what I need to remember.