The Way I see It

I am a Starbucks addict and while there is nothing wrong with me being addicted to my triple shot of coffee I am clobbered with the Starbuck Trends. For the last year the cups come with comments they have dubbed 'The Way I see It' ....Creative.
I don't always read them, but today I did read it and I am going to post it below. For me I agree with this one hundred percent, I couldn't have said it better myself.

I think when we get angry at others, most of the time, we're really angry at ourselves. It is not "us versus them" - we are all connected. Perhaps the anger comes in how much of "us" we see in "them". Whether it is cutting someone off or taking more than one's share, perhaps we are angry at ourselves for doing similar things every day. In any case, change will come when we stop pointing the finger and start looking in the mirror. - The Way I See It #177.

I am not a complete saint in this area, but I know that what I do and say will affect and mold my children. Kids are cruel enough and easily influenced. We don't know what kind of a day another person has had and when we smirk our bad mood to someone else that is passed on to the next person they run into. I always tell a friend of mine to "stop and think, before you speak". Once you say something it is not as easy to take it back, whether you meant it the way it was recieved or not.

Sassy Six

I don't remember what I was like when I was 6 years old really, except that on Halloween I was all dressed up and excited to go out and get candy, so excited that I ignored the screen door that was mostly glass and busted right through it, breaking it as I tried to make my grand exit to the street. Halloween and my carebear costume had lost its charm that year.

My baby (I know pathetic to still call him that) is 6 years old, he is cute, smart and comes with a ton of character. Last week he called me while I was still at work, wanting to know if I could hear the music in the background, asking me if I remember this song, as if it was from the 80's (it wasn't, it was 'Survivor' by Destiny's Child). He continued his conversation by asking me what the weather was going to be like tomorrow so that he could select what he would wear the following day.... "Does my 'Born to be cool' shirt match my blue shorts?".
He is six, and while I sometimes catch him playing his gameboy or with his cars... I wonder if he is too old for his age? Or if I still see him a lot younger than what he is. He hasn't gone thru a growth spurt yet and still has the adorable chubby cheeks he was born with, hasn't lost any teeth yet, and still wears a size 4 toddler in pants.
The adult manner in him comes out when he gets angry (a vein in his neck comes out and the fist clinch as he screams his frustration), he ignores you very quickly (definitely a man thing). and his hair has to be just like so. Wednesday it was spiked with gold colored gel. Today is 'drug free' day at school and the color red is to be worn to show participation in being drug free (lets hope he still is) So he needed to wear red, but not any red, a red shirt that would match the same tone of red as his shorts and since his shorts have a blue stripe down them a blue sharktooth necklace and spiked hair with bright blue hair gel in it would help accent it perfectly.
Like I said before, I don't remember much about being 6, but I am pretty sure I didn't care as much about my hair being combed let alone styled or what clothes I wore.
He is six, and I already feel old and out of date.

Smackdown

It is getting towards the end of October and things start to get scary and ugly. This year I am not talking about Halloween. I am talking Politics. I don't really know if I am an ass or an Elephant or the middle of the fence kind of gal. What I do know is that I have an opinion, but not enough to get a phone call on my cell phone at 9:30 at night from a survey company who wants my political opinion so that they (they as in the survey company) can take their new finds back to whom ever is paying them way to much money and predict the ending results by this tedious list of questions they ask.
Like I said, I have an opinion, will I vote on my opinions? Maybe not. Do I think it is important enough to check my yes on 42 or 48 or to go for one governor over the other? No. I would rather vote for cartoon characters and to bring Pluto back as a planet before I punch my brad or use my #2 pencil to circle in my choice.
I hate tele-marketers who try and sell you something and they make it sound great, but everytime you buy what ever it is, it is never as good as they said it was. For me this is the same as voting. The last time I voted was for the presidential election and it wasn't for the man who is running things right now, but had I voted for him, I would want my money back.
I was watching the governor's Tee off on a debate the other night, and it was more of a who had more dirt on who kind of show, which made it fun to watch as they tried to drag the other one out, but it gave a feel of immaturity and made me realize I was watching a WWF Smackdown with words. I am supposed to vote for one of these yahoo's? What is the middle choice if I don't like either. There isn't, except not to vote and not to donate funds for the bashing TV ads and Newspaper articles that dish on their opponent. Bring it on folks and in the end I hope you are successful and happy with sitting in the winners seat by doing exactly what you teach your children not to do.

Thursday is the new Friday

"Thursday is the new Friday" I heard my boss say that yesterday, probably in explanation to someone as to why he hasn't hardly worked a Friday this year, including today. I guess it could happen, things are changing everyday... And even though it doesn't look, feel, smell or act like something, we like to force it to be.
Pink is the new Blue: I encourage this one, pink is a very favorable color, it compliments, softens and adds flare to things. It also speaks of confidence for those men who are not afraid to show this side of themselves.... If you pop your collar, get your eye brows waxed and other "primping" things than you might be...
Metro is the new Gay: This is for those guys who don't swing that way, but admire and care for themselves as much if not more than some women. I like this one too, there is no longer a reason a guy needs to be a slob or care less about how he looks and men find they get a certain kind of attention - this trend might have gone out like bell bottoms, but I don't think women will let it die so easily... I call the Metro look also the Abercrombie look.
0 is the new 4: Size apparently matters. The skinny stars and super models are tinier than ever. Marilyn Monroe was not a small waisted diva, she had some curves and was the Icon for sexy. A lot of older day art also has the woman's body displayed with curves as well. If you are a size 0 there is nothing to show for sexy. I notice that size 8 (my size) is usually the size missing off the rack, all I can find hanging there is sizes 0 thru 4. My interpretation is there are more 8's than 0's.
There are so many more, you get the idea. I wish the Thursday one applied to me. I could use the extra weekend day.

SUV: Sport Utility Vehicle? or Stupid Unyeidling Vehicle?

You can always get a feel for how the day will go by a glimpse of your morning, mine starts out with the morning routine (there isn't one) I mean I try and it usually goes as good as it can. If the boys get up early enough they get to pick out their cereal of choice and watch cartoons while I get ready. If not they get a pop tart on our way out the door. They tend to like the idea of watching cartoons and having their stuff together. Which in turn helps me out. Mornings have been good with our makeshift morning routine, so the next step is my religious coffee stop. I don't care if I am going to be 15 minutes late to work, I am getting my coffee.
I pull into the parking lot and see my destination... A parking spot straight ahead, and close to the front door. So the vehicle in front of me grabs one open spot and I try and slide my small but very cute blue car in the spot next to it. It wont work, I mean, I could get in the spot but no one would be able to open their doors. The vehicle that parked right before me was a Chevrolet Suburban. I start to feel attitude coming up, I quickly back up and pull into another spot, while this spot is not as close to the door and it is finally raining in Oregon like good 'ol days I walk the extra 10 feet to the front door that carries the smell and warmth of my morning happiness in a cup.
The driver of the Suburban looks at me, I am anticipating a comment from him, and since I haven't had my coffee I automatically assume it would be somewhat similar to my attitude that started to grow as I couldn't park because this honkin car hogged up 2 spots. He holds the door and says "Please go in first, it is the least I could do since my car is parked over the line" . My manners come back to me in a snap and the attitude left as quick as it came. He comments about how the car is a pain to park and a pain in his wallet for gas, that his 16 year old son just got his license and he needs a smaller car for his son to drive.
So my morning went pretty well and my day hasn't been so bad. Had this situation gone differently I am sure the day too would follow with a less than favorable mood.
This whole thing just got me thinking about SUV's though... I cant speak much out of the Northwest states, but we here are obsessed with SUV's.... They are great for the changes in the weather and grocery shopping and large families that want to look better than driving the "mini van". BUT and that is a big but, they take up a lot of space, you can't fit them anywhere and the drivers of these notoriously huge vehicles tend to carry a lot of attitude, whipping into lanes and parking spots they don't fit in. It might suck, but park further out where it is okay to take up 2 spots... in this "fat" America there are plenty of spots further away from the doors because no one wants to even walk far from their cars! Is it really necessary to have a vehicle so enormous? The Hummer now has a mini version of its monsterous metal on wheels to a more reasonable mid size suv... And my thoughts are not about ALL suv's just the ones that should require a special license and driving class to own and operate.

One in a Trillion

My Friend Joe said to me, "you should title your blog 'One in a Trillion' because your more rare than One in a Million", in the case of the United States it would need to be 300 Million according to the Census.
He said this to me as we were discussing a trip he might take to Vegas soon as a birthday present to himself. I told him to hit up a classy gentleman's Club while he was down there. I have heard from others they are the best around. For some reason guys don't think that girls are too fond of strip clubs. I think they are great and I enjoy going and getting the attention. I also admire the women who are confident and sexy in their skin to share it. I don't think it as a sleazy thing, and I don't swing that way either. I find it odd that most men think it is cool that I enjoy them, Im not jealous is that why?
So I ponder the thought that I am more rare than One in a Trillion. Is it rare for me to be a single mom who is successfully staying a float financially? That I can run my house, tend to meals, homework, kids and be successful at work too? There isn't a choice for me not to, there isn't a choice for me to pass responsibility onto someone else, because there isn't someone to pass it on to. Im not going to let my world, life and home fall apart because I don't have someone to pick up the slack. I don't do well with failure. I have had enough failure in my life that it isn't about to happen just because I am dubbed "single mom".
Is it my personality that makes me rare? My friendly, understanding personality. The sense of humor that I carry with heavy sarcasm? My love of Football, beer, foul language and Cops?
*WARNING* still very high maintenance... I wont go outside without looking cute. I get my hair done religiously, buy expensive name brand makeup. Stylish clothing (even the boys have to match every morning) I don't like wet towel's anywhere but the hamper, especially not on the bed! I do my own French manicure on my hands and toes every 2 to 3 days. I buy a Triple Venti Non-fat, No Whip White Chocolate Mocha from starbucks every morning (Jealous Cory?).
My point is I am just like a Trillion other people out there, each a little different in their own way, I feel I am destined for more, but as far as I go... Im still regular, like everyone else.
I do appreciate the compliment Joe, you are always sweet and kind to me.

Open Wounds

We are officially stuck in the middle of the week. Monday has us blocked in and Wednesday the notorious "hump" day isn't quite here so I am saturated with work, stress and what feels like a really long week still ahead.
I have been seeing Michal now for 3 months. Progress? Of course, and while my initial reasoning for needing therapy or counseling or a bitch-fest (to each their own) is not why I see him now. I have progressed in area's I didn't even know were really issues. One in particular hits a little rough today.
I get a phone call at 8am on the dot. Phone calls at 8am usually are family and this one was close enough. A person in my prayers and thoughts had past away at 5am this morning. 88 years old, but you would have never thought by the way this man moved, spoke or physically looked that he was near the age he really was. His dear wife sent out an email message to everyone and these were her words.... "Our 'Jake' has gone. He had a quiet passing and it was time for him to leave. He was such a wonderful man and husband, and it will be a great loss to many."
This email and event has opened up a fresh wound for me. While old is never old enough and I am not sure there really is "a time to go". Someone's, someone is gone. Whether she knows it or not she will see him again, but until then it will feel as though another eternity has fallen upon her, that it will never be soon enough for her to see him again.
'Jake' like my own father never let on how sick or in pain he really was.
I haven't lost a husband, or a child, but losing someone you love, you admire, you look up to and found no fault in... is hard. No matter the who, what ,when, where and why. It hurts.
I hope you meet my father 'Jake', he was and is a great man. Your in great hands. I will keep your wife and family in my prayers. Today I grieve all over again, and lucky for the sensitive me.... I cry.

Lovely October

October is the month that begins true season festivities. The air is crisp, the leaves are changing to red, orange and yellow. The Sun still pops out and it hasn't rained (which is a surprise for us Oregonians), But the sun gives off a fake sense of warmth. The grass is no longer yellow or dead anymore, it might be a little crunchy from the morning freeze, but none the less it is green again. Its time to treck out to the pumpkin patch, ride in the traditional wagon ride, pick out that just right pumpkin for something that is sure to be a mess at my house with the boys.
Halloween is just around the corner- I have spiderwebs formed around my door, a skeleton standing guard to give a scare, so far it has only succeeded in its frightfulness to my 20lb dog, and a sign that welcomes Trick or Treaters with an orange glow.
Today is Friday the 13th...Superstitious? Not I. I believe in Karma, Fate, Horoscopes and pre destined events, but I'm not Superstitious, haha. My mom used to celebrate Friday the 13th with Ice Cream cones or some other treat. I love traditions.
October is the sign that the next 3 months are going to be hectic, with the weather changes, so goes the daylight, the will to go out and do errands as it gets colder and closer to the treacherous Christmas shopping routine. I can also officially buy my Christmas candy now, as the stores displays make sure you are well aware. My family is already talking about what the plans are for Thanksgiving and Christmas, what day can we all meet together and who brings what to whose house. I just want to get thru the rest of this day and I am forced to think about what I will be doing in 2 months from now so that I don't mess with anyone's plans? I wish I lived farther away, somewhere I could use the excuse that the drive might be too much. Im just not hip on the rest of my family lately, I don't really know why, I feel overwhelmed with them and frankly they don't make much of an effort to call or visit me either.
So on with the superstitious day and what ever it may bring, for now I focus on the great NW colors of the outdoors and the work on my desk that obviously wont disappear on its own.

Something better, something great

Do you ever feel that you are meant for something better. I think of all the things that are going well for me, yet somehow it doesn't seem to be enough... I want more.
I should be happy and content with what I have. I am not looking to be filthy rich (although it would be nice) I know money doesn't buy happiness, it can bring peace of mind financially though.
Mostly I know I am meant to be something more for me, to write and share my story? To be an advocate of something? I strive everyday at work to show I am worth that paycheck, that I am a leader, reliable, smart and innovative. I strive at home with the boys... Showing them how a family can be even if there isn't a dad around everyday. I can cook, clean, help with homework and fix things around the house. I am a superwoman and yet... I want more.
I'm religious; in my heart. I don't go to church every Sunday or read scriptures or say my prayers everyday. I know a relationship with god is important and a form of religion is important for families, but no need for over kill.
There is something out there for me that I can take on and feel ultimate success, ultimate happiness, ultimate peace. This isn't about worldly and material things, this is about finding something better within myself using the talent to be. To be great in my own eyes.
I want something better for myself. Where I don't feel the sluggish thoughts of "just another day" I quote Brooke Noel "something great is going to happen today, I cant wait to see what it is!". I am not sabotaging myself, and I appreciate all the days I return safely home to the boys and the fact that I can support a family of 3 on my own, that there is plenty of food and love to go around, but I don't consider those great! Where is the Great? I know I am meant for something better , something great. I just cant find it, I don't know what it is.

Easy Come, Easy Go... or is it?

Well so far my entries have been about nothing, thoughts I was thinking. But none the less, nothing. Here is the true test: I can type this out, hopefully feel better and not worry that whom ever might read it will care. I will feel better and life will go on.
I have struggled with this past weekend. Mentally I want to break. I see Michal once a week, but when I feel like this I wish it could be more. Michal is my counselor. He helps me figure out why I do the things I do, why I pick the guys I do, why I have always dubbed myself the "black sheep" and have grown to accept it very well. I hate failing, more than anything and when failure strikes it hits me hard. And when I feel like I am close to failing or struggling with anything I get into a slump, that makes me miss my dad.
Dad past away in February of 2006, he was sick for awhile, I always knew he wouldnt make it but a few years, I just never accepted how soon it really would be. I miss him. He was my true, true allie. I went and visited the gravesight, took some flowers, cleaned the headstone. Something about the visit is comforting, I can talk, cry and feel as though I am right beside him and him beside me. I brought fresh flowers, they werent the most expensive, but they were fresh and it is more of a symbol to me. Something to say, hey Im thinking about you. I have neglected visiting him, knowing that I had pain building up. I knew the inevitable was a breakdown. I always feel better afterwards, but it takes alot to get me to go when I know what will happen in order to get me to feel better. I hate crying too.
Which brings me to my feelings of failure...
Yesterday, my youngest son went and spent the day with his father. I am a grown adult who wont hold things against my kids because of their dad, but this one urk's me. Cris spent the entire day with Augi. This wasn't his weekend, but we weren't doing much. The deal was I drop Cris off and he will bring him back at the night. I like it more that way because I want to prepare my house for the evening and bedtime, plus I hate the 25 mile drive there and 25 miles back.
Augi calls me and tells me that he is going to feed Cris and bring him back... this was 7:30pm. At 9:15 I call him and find out what his ETA is... he is still 20 miles away. 9:45 Cris is home. The first thing out of this 6 year olds mouth is, "Can I live with Dad?" I have heard the question before and always tell him when he is older he is more than welcome to choose, but not now.
Augi is a "disneyland" dad. He gets the boys every other weekend. He is also put down in the parenting agreement to have them one night in the middle of the week but that stopped very quickly, half of the time his weekends means saturday night to sunday afternoon. He is too wrapped up in his bachelorhood to be responsible. The kids eat like crap when he has them, bed time is whenever they fall asleep and they sleep in until noon - just so that I struggle to get them back on track for the school week. Augi has no idea what is going on in their lives with Scouts or school and never asks. (I gave up telling him). Augi drives a cool car, lives in a bigger house, and oh yeah, still has no rules.
Cris wasnt old enough to get a feel for his dad "when we were a Family" as my 8 year old puts it. Cris shares alot of the same interests as his father, music, cars, tools. its okay that they bond I encourage it, but I'm pissed to no end that he sends my 1st grader home to persuade me to let him go. " but mommy, you can see me every other weekend like dad does now, I get my own X-Box, my own room with a computer and it will only take 30 days for the paperwork so I can move in with him" "Daddy says to call him in the morning and tell him what you said".... Okay 6 year olds can do alot of their own dirty work, but this one smells of his dad. Unbelievable. I feel like a failure, I have failed at being the mom/dad/friend that my son wants. I know he isnt the decision maker and the answer is still no. I am not looking to be the "favorite" parent. I just want to feel like I am doing enough and with him so adament, upset and determined to leave... I have nothing left to feel but failure. And then I do my second thing... I cry.