Flashback

I still remember every detail like it was yesterday, and when I say his name I still can not say it or talk about him without crying.
Death is a weird thing, well maybe not weird, but it is so unknown and there is alot of grey areas. When someone close to you dies you know there were bad or not-so-great moments that you experienced with them or heard them telling you, but when they are no longer around, you can only think of how amazingly wonderful that person was, all the good, selfless acts, the hugs, laughs and comfort of knowing they were around.
It was February 18th, 2006 at 1:30 in the morning my doorbell rang. I was in a dead sleep and not even my dog barked. I sprang out of bed instantly grabbed my bat and went to the front door. I had someone in my bed that wasn't suppose to be there and in the back of my mind I was wondering what he was doing. I mean who else knocks at your door at 1:30AM? I look through the peep hole and asked who it is. "Tualatin Police Department" I slowly open the door to see just one police officer at my door. I knew they were not there for 'him'. The officer apologizes for waking me and announces that I have a family emergency as he hands me a small piece of paper with a name and number on it. My heart sank I knew what it was... I must have done something as I heard him say those words as he asked me if I was going to be okay and if I needed him to stay why I made the call. I stuttered and scrambled to go for my phone... .mumbling to myself questioning why they didn't call me, I have a phone why didn't they call me? The officer said he didn't know and asked again if I was going to be okay. I told him I needed to go to my phone and quickly shut the door. I ran back to my room to find him standing in my closet behind the door with his hand over the dogs mouth as to not cause attention. He kept asking me what they wanted, solely out of concern for himself at that moment. "it's bad, I just know it... it's my dad". I didn't officially know it because the piece of paper had one name and one number on it. Nancy. She was my brothers wife. So it could have been anyone in my family.

A thousand things were racing through my mind as I drop to the floor by the wall to reach for my cell phone it was only a few feet from my bed and I was still wondering why I had not heard it. I looked at the screen. 5 missed calls, 3 new voice mails. Shit! This is bad.
I call Nancy, she has a very soft spoken, sweet voice, but I couldn't hear any emotion come out of her voice. She tells me to call my moms cell phone. I hang up and quickly start dialing my mom and the guy who shouldn't be there is standing in the corner still asking me what is going on. I don't answer him.
The phone picks up, the first thing said was my name. and not like a are you sitting down way of saying someones name, but a where the hell have you been way.
I just tell him to tell me. "it's dad" .... I know its dad just tell me! I scream at him."dad died". I drop, my whole body drops, my phone drops, I can't sink far enough to the floor... I'm numb and in shock, then suddenly tears. So many tears as I try and listen to my brother tell me what happened. "J is coming to get you, he should be there soon. We tried getting ahold of you, but finally we decided we needed to have the police come and make sure you were okay too." I don't know why I didn't hear my phone?!!I kept repeating this. right then I feel arms across me, he doesn't know what to do, but he has never seen me cry like that... He just tries to hold me.
I get off the phone with my brother and listen to the voice messages on my phone. I can hear the panic in my brothers voice and I can hear a lot of activity going on in the back ground. I learned later that all that noise was the EMT's working on my dad. The last 2 messages were both my mom, broken up, I couldn't get all the details, but she was trying to give me updates and pleading with me to call her.
My brother is at my door. I grab him and he holds me tight as we cry in each others arms. He notices out of the corner of his eye that "he" is there. I try and explain, but it wasn't the moment nor was it important anymore. I have my makeup bag (I know vain) and my bible. Its funny the things a person thinks to get at a time like that. I had no need for either. I get in my brothers car and "he" is driving behind us in mine. My brother is listening to Enya. I didn't know what to say, I asked him for more details, he tells me he was there when dad dropped and how he went fast. My brother tells me he brought dads phone and he wants me to open it up. the picture on the main screen was a picture of me. It was right then I knew why I didn't hear my phone, there was a plan, gods plan maybe, my fathers? I wasn't supposed to know right away. My dad always worried about how much I worried about him and his health.
We arrived at my moms I walk through the door there are quiet looks, some are at "him" with inside inquiries as to why he is there, but nothing is spoken about it. I see my mom sitting on the couch... my fathers oversize ring on her petite finger. His glasses and wallet next to her on the table. It was all to surreal. He isn't going to come down the hallway from the back rooms to greet me. He is gone.
I started cleaning. I cleaned until 730am, then my mother sent me home to rest.