Sharing...not just giving but understanding

I remember almost 4 years ago I was sitting in an apartment I could barely afford, newly divorced and no sign of child support money, barely making 9 bucks an hour...a far cry from the income I was used to and not very well trained on priorities as you will discover reading on.
The apartment was clean... sparkling clean. I couldn't afford to go anywhere or do anything, the boys were with their father and I had vacuumed the floor 2 times already, went for a run and drank my breakfast... the proof was in my weight (or lack of) and under my sink... stuffed full with empty beer bottles and not cheap beer, my favorite beer which was 8$ for a six pack. I rationalized every time I bought it that I could get the 5 cent deposit I had just put down on each and everyone bottle to buy groceries with, next time when I recycled them. I always had my kids taken care of, but in my heart I knew I couldn't do it, I felt horrible...depressed... anxious... desperate and broke. I didn't want to look like a failure, like I NEEDED anyone as I was so adamant on proving them wrong. No one had said anything to my face, they didn't need to I had decided they felt this way and nothing was changing my thought. I scrounged change in my car and around the house to buy gas and the majority of my paychecks went to barely making the rent payment, daycare and groceries. My first thanksgiving I wrote a bad check, one I knew I couldn't pay just to put a meal on the table for me and the boys. I have never felt lower... waiting for a 72 hour notice to be posted on my door because I couldn't afford all the rent out of one check. I was on the verge of losing it all...

The purpose of me sharing this is that we are all human and most have gone through some type of struggle in their life... "character building" as some would put it. We all need a little helping hand... I suck at posting a link to anything but if you click on the right hand side of my blog under "pages I enjoy" and click on the top one, "behind pinned eyes" another blog I read you will discover it, the post is called "Times of Trouble". Read it, if your feeling the need to help, than please do, if you don't I understand. it is a chance for those of us who have a little to give a little. I don't ever want to be in the position I was 4 years ago and it pains me to hear of others struggling, it seems so unfair sometimes.

The First Of Many

My first "work" day, first Monday without the routine of work.... It wasn't like it was just a vacation day, because I received ZERO phone calls that were work related or from my boss. Weird, yet ever so enjoyable. I got done SOOOO much of my little tasks... simple things I could just never find the time to do. I only have health benefits for myself until the end of the month so I filled a 3 month supply of prescriptions and have a "routine" dental appt on Wednesday so that if anything cant wait I can address it before it gets more costly. (I know there is back up insurance, but that is expensive)
I took Katie to get a haircut and got my nails done... tomorrow I get my hair done. (I know its really important stuff eh?) But I did some important stuff, got my oil changed and my brakes fixed. The brakes made this horrible screeeeeech sound and not even when I was braking... when I was backing up, driving forward... pretty much just in movement. I don't know a lot about cars, fixing cars, parts of cars but I do know it is a tale tell sign that it is the brakes and probably wasn't too bad because it is a fairly new car with only 25 thousand miles, but I was always driving in stop and go traffic not to mention the noise is embarrassing.
What is even more embarrassing is that I got ripped off. I am admitting that I don't know a lot about cars, I know how to shop... clothes, shoes, toys, groceries... but car stuff is not my thing. It cost me $300.00 to get my brakes fixed. the pads have a lifetime warranty the guy told me.... he didn't have to I was sold on fixing the noise I wasn't knowledgeable enough to know that was an outrageous price. So I send a text to E... my text read this.. "it is going to cost 300 to fix the brakes... yikes! I guess my car will be good for a while though". He called me SO fast. He was flipping out and when he was done flipping out on me for being so naive he called the shop and flipped out on them... telling them they flat out knew they were taking advantage of me. Of course by then it was too late for them, they were pretty much done. So now E has asked that I call him from now on before hand and run the price by him so he can tell me if it is good or not. The best part is when I went in to pay, the guy who told me it was $300.00 had his supervisor standing over him the whole time as if I was going to continue razzing him as E had. Geeze people. You already did the work and pretty much had the money how is razzing you going to do any good? besides I was now officially more embarrassed for being sold like that. arrggghhh.

Mixed Up Friday

So Friday comes... mixed feelings and relief totally take over. I am feeling a little bad about the work that needs to be done, but I wont be the one working on it come Monday and that fact needs to remain in my head. It isn't my job to do anymore. I am officially unemployed and happy. Utterly happy. I am almost anxious about what to do with all my new found time. I am sure stuff will come up and fill it quickly though. I have lived and survived off of stress and go, go, go for so long that it is definitely harder to accept this slower pace as easily as I want it.

The morning went fast I was just waiting for the papers to sign and bail. It finally came, my turn to go into my bosses office (who still hasn't said much to me) I go in with a bit of a bitter ending grudge and then out comes a little blue box from behind his desk. Ladies, you all know what that is. TIFFANY'S! Holy Crap! there is something really nice in that box! I read the small card and it expressed how much he was going to miss me and to not lose touch. I started to cry.. he urges me to read the card later and open the box. So I open it. A ring I have been wanting for so long! A co-worker of mine must have told him. I couldn't fricken believe it... of course it wasn't a thousand dollars, but I wasn't expecting ANYTHING and I got Tiffany's? In all the years we have worked together successfully he chose our parting as a way to really express that (that is why I cried) why do men chose the parting part to be or do things that potentially make you change your mind?!!

So here is a pic of the ring. I love simple rings. This is a perfect ring for me.. I am so exited and love it!!!!

On and On and On and On and On

that's how my days are going. I am suffering from a severe head cold. I know it sounds wussy, but this is annoying. I cant talk without sounding like I just got done smoking an entire pack of cigarettes, I cant breath, and I sniff in everyone's ear that is around me. gross and annoying.
It is my last few days of being a workaholic, so I am suffering through it so my boss doesn't think I am checked out already. I am working to the end. I don't like how things went down, but I am glad I made the decision I did, and I truly believe this head cold is my stress leaving my body. Mentally I feel great. I haven't had a break in so long, I haven't been really enjoying myself for so long and I get to do that now!
So tomorrow is the last full day...Friday we show up to pretty much get a check.
I already started my list of things I want to do almost immediately. I got to get cranking big time on my team for the Diabetes Walk this year... I will have a post on that later, and I am going to share some cool shit about the state I live in with you guys ...for free. I am talking cool. No cheesy crap. I spent over a hundred dollars to make up some cool packages.. I just need to take a pic, promote and find a fun way to hand them out to the people reading my blah blog =) So how is that for Bribery? ~ It works pretty good on my kids =)

Grow Up

I thought I would never say that to the guy who has helped make me money, but OMG.
I hadn't told my boss that I wasn't going to transfer to the other office (out of state)I had been thinking about it and pondering it for about a week... I finally decided that I was indeed going to take the severance and not go to the other office. I don't have a permanent residence as of yet, my kids are going to school in a school district that I have to drive them to everyday. Things on my personal side just feel "chaotic" to me....add in the changes here at work and I am out of my mind.
I am going to take a few weeks... month off.. than I will look to fill my bank account back up again, but I am burnt out and need this break... to get my shit together to where I feel I can function in a good manner.

So I told "wish" (that is what I call my boss) that I was not going to the other location with him. He was short and curt in his responses, as if he already knew from someone else... he was pissed. I want to say this is his defense mechanism, but I think it is caddy and childish to act this way... we are on day 2 of me telling him and he hasn't said anything to me, he will converse with the other people in the office and talk to them...said good morning and all but I got nothing! He has to walk by my office to go to his, I always leave my door open. Even when I went into his office to discuss a scenario of a client it took him literally 1 full minute to acknowledge me and he was short and matter of factly.
God, grow up... we have worked together for 5 years, we are a team, every time someone talks to me... they bring "wish" up in the conversation ... people inquire about him because they know we work so well together.
I know he is hurt and I didn't give him a lot of notice, but that part came hard to do when they didn't give us a lot of notice about closing this office. I did it in person... I imagined it being a good heart to heart, I imagined him fighting just a little bit for me to stay... even though I could be replaced it is hard to find someone you work well with. I imagined him understanding and offering his help in anyway to help me feel more confident about this.
I got nothing.
Truth be told the minute I told him and walked out of his office yesterday I felt a huge relief, I felt really good and half my stress was gone in an instant. I also felt the conversation could have gone better and I wanted to tell (explain) to him more, but he was so short and didn't ask anything... all night I thought about how today would go, if he would talk to me...what I would say that would help clarify yesterdays events. I guess I know now how that is working out for him.
Regardless, I feel good about my decision and sticking to it, but I just think we could work together for the next week like nothing has changed.... make it worth our while and really go down in a good way. It only makes me want to take the last week as sick or vacation pay.... such crap.

Clear My Head

So Saturday we took off to the beach, it was calling me. For me the beach means stress free. You can never take stress to the beach, the waves call for you the clear sky, the warm sand in between your toes, its a solace... Peaceful, relaxing... if I could bottle it up I would.

My Saturday didn't start that way. I met some of my family for breakfast at McDonald's.. it was really the only place to enjoy a breakfast type meal with 9 kids. It was nice to sit around and visit for a short while though. We up and left there and sat around back at the house, thinking of something to do. all the time the "beach" scenario replaying in my head, but I had checked weather and it was only going to be in the high 60's... The beach is cool regardless, but I had missed out on the best warm days of enjoying it and for that I was bummed.
We sat for over an hour, the boys playing the Wii, E was sitting on the couch as I was at the computer googling weekend fun for us.
I remember a phone conversation with a girlfriend of mine the day before she just went to a certain beach and loved it... highly recommended it. I have never been there and it was almost 5 hours away...for a Saturday to Sunday trip that was a lot of effort. But hey, I am about spontaneity. I called up the first decent looking hotel that allowed dogs and was packed in 10 minutes. We were out the door and on the road.
Then just like I said before life smacked us down... it could have been worse.. trust me.
E was driving 70 in a 55 we were crossing the bridge from Washington State into Oregon, who knew they were doing a radar set up that day. So we ended up on the side of the road with a cop behind us... I have a theory about motorcycle cops and I am not bashing the cop as a person but their job. Motorcycle cops are solely for traffic issues, so my theory is...when you get pulled over by one... you can guarantee the ticket. Recent events of the last few years have not lead to good experiences with the me and E and the cops. I went into a deep panic, trying to play it cool for the sake of my kids in the back seat. E isn't suppose to be in Washington per his probation without consent of his PO. Washington is seriously a matter of crossing a bridge, so he quickly told me to agree that we got turned around and we were headed to a certain furniture store. It was my car he was driving... that is panic reason number 2. E is also suppose to carry a letter from his PO's office saying we can be around each other. Oh God I was freaking.. we barely went 10 miles and my weekend of stress free flew out the window so fricken fast. The cop was back at the window like lightening. He had his license and a small white paper in one hand the other on the door of the car. He said "I don't want to ruin your furniture store trip but.. .(OMG my heart dropped) next time be more conscious of your speed limit. He hands E back his license and a written warning. holy crap! that is it?! He didn't ask for registration or anything... I am not even sure he had enough time to pull up E in the system. This is the first time he has been pulled over and not harassed. You can bet for the rest of the 5 hour drive I was on him about his speed though. damn I so needed to get out of town now and just forget about shit.

Back on the road.... its a long drive. We listen to the radio station until it fades, we all talk about absolutely nothing, we point out the scenery and animals in the fields to the boys... E points to one field and asks "hey guys what kind of animal is that?" they both look, Kace replies "sheep!" and Cris looks a little longer and replies with a cute glee of excitement "COOOOWWWS" we all laughed and for the rest of the trip we saw no cows, but we saw COOOOWWWS... the cute part was that they were all sheep.

We finally make it into Bandon, OR... only a couple more hours away from California. We are exhausted and hungry... the Hotel has a restaurant so we eat there and E gets hammered! After dinner we go back to our room and decide that an after dinner swim was appropriate (sober-up session for E). As we are getting ready E's mom (who checks on him frequently) sends him a text asking him if he is still alive, I reply letting her know we took off to Bandon. Bandon? she replied insinuating we were out of our minds, E takes the phone and sends a message back to her that reads... "we are returning the Mexicans (my boys) this is just a pit stop".... good thing he was drunk or I would lay into him... I know he meant no harm.

The next morning we are up bright and early, grab breakfast at the cute town cafe and head to a wildlife safari just out of the town. This is me and a cute baby opossum... I am glowing as I hold this little one and not sure why... its an opossum... but still cute right??? (for those of you who have read my previous post this is the picture where I feel I have a pregnant look...uggghh)



after the wildlife park we went to the beach...because you cant go to the beach without going to the actual beach part of it. Here is another picture of me, Kace and Cris... we walked out on the jetty that divided the river and the Ocean it joined. See the waves splashing up in the distance? Awesome I tell ya... how can you not find a place like that relaxing?!!!



It all fades too quickly though. Good thing I have pictures I guess.

That's Not What I Ordered!...

Have you ever read a menu and thought about how delicious an entree sounded? Yeah, me too. Then it comes out for its grand presentation of delight for your mouth, belly and all together mood and then it looks blah! Totally not what you were expecting?

Well aside from food, considering my recent loss of appetite of my apparent situation and the fact that I saw myself in a picture and feel like I have a pregnant pooch (not having that!!!) I feel this way about my life, the way things are turning out.
I have this little mantra taped to my computer screen "Daily Decisions Decide Destiny" - see this backs up my whole live for today theory.... but then stabs it with the whole this could fuck up the rest of the life part your not thinking about! uggghh, I hate trying to rationalize, to figure things out... making pieces fit into one puzzle that came from another just to complete the picture.

I really hope this just doesn't sound like rambling BS... I am just trying to go thru my head like a girl digging in a clothes pile for her favorite shirt that she just has to wear today. I know it is inside me somewhere.. the answers I need, to figure out my current situation.

So I have a job, but I am bowing out of it. I have sat on this all week. I need the time to get me back together, spend the time with my boys I have been craving, volunteer in their classes, take the written test for the DMV for the state I actually live in, not the one I pretend to live in, organize the garage, plant flowers... you know just do "me" stuff. Live and enjoy it, I don't want to keep looking back every day and think about how I should have just taken the day off and done this or that. I have decided that I want to take the little severance package and be stress free.

I haven't told my boss yet. I want to do it face to face. He hasn't been in the office, but he will be tomorrow and I am totally freaking out. I have quit twice... you hear me? that is 2 times I have gotten new jobs lined up and quit on this guy and well you see... I still work for him. "Money Talks" he would say... I would agree. I even got an award. It seriously reads "Couldn't stay away award" Fucked up huh! But right next to that award is one for "Hardest Worker"... that's because this girl worked her ass off to be 100% burnt out.

I love my job, I love what I do... I just need a break. I just need my boy's... my family.

So back to the food that I ordered that doesn't look like anything I imagined.
What if me leaving with the rest of my work crew is not in the best interest? What if I would regret this decision? I have headaches, an unbelievable stress level and crappy sleep at night. What if I am making the wrong "daily decision" on this?

Friday I sat in Michal's office... god I cant say enough how much I love that place.. the smell in itself is therapeutic for me. I told him about my job that I still had. He asked me what I was doing for the weekend. I told him I was looking for a place to live...duh? But that the back of my head kept telling me ...beach, beach, beach. He told me to go to the beach.... I did and to one that was almost the farthest away. Had a blast. Enjoyed the time with E and the boys... I know I still need to look for a place but hard to do when so many other factors are up in the air. and just like me telling Michal that the beach was calling me... the same goes for me not transferring my job to the other location. It just doesn't sit well with my situation and the things I desire and have going on. I guess my gut is telling me the right, but my brain is still trying to pump me full of common sense.

I wanted to share the short but fun beach trip with photo's and all but my camera downloading skills are very dysfunctional. So as soon as I figure that out I still want to share!

Thanks for reading my "verbal vomit" and being there!

Drum Roll Please...

The Hammer has come down. I am safe. Do I feel safe?
It is weird how things went down... I found out by error. I confronted my boss and discussed with him disclosing the truth early, we are a small group, we are family, we deserve the opportunity of hearing it from him...and all the facts not the rumors and gossip, and not from the guy in a tailored suit from a stuffy office in the downtown building who cant even pronounce my last name for F Sake.
So he did it. He was professional and honest, I am proud of him for that. It could have been a "every man for himself" scenario, but he did what he needed to do. After the group announcement he went into each individual office and spoke with us all individually...answered questions, offered up tissues and alcohol. Classy man for that... I am sure his wife was urging him to take this road as well... we women are smart... Men should really listen more.
We all know this location is finished. Some will move to the other location, some will go on to other places. Things happen for a reason...and I am not just saying that because I still have a place of employment...secretly I was wanting to be done, take my severance, ride the unemployment train and spend the so desperately wanted time with my boys... truth be told I am not sure how much longer the other office will hold up so this just buys me time.

I have come to work for the past 5 years and seen a lot of the same faces, shared stories, vacation pictures, nights out with these people and all of a sudden it is suppose to be "nice ride...see ya on the flip side" ? Crazy.

I go to see Michal shortly, my boss offered up to continue drinks after work.. I turned him down... a good verbal vomit session was more appealing and needed.

What Will Tomorrow Bring

I have this thing... I have mentioned it before. I Procrastinate. I love being a self proclaimed procrastinator... its what works for me... I don't want to live knowing everything my life will or should bring. Spontaneity is so much more fun and I feel like life is really fulfilling a need for me to just do... I am a reactor I am not proactive... I mean really how much fun can it be to foresee the stress and BS of life.... but when some things don't follow its norm of predictability it really messes with me.
Actually there is only one thing that can be predictable... and that is that I drink! I love to drink and listen to my music... lyrics to a song have so much meaning. I know this doesn't sound good, sober or drunk... But I can really think things over when I have had a few drinks. I think it is partly that my mind doesn't care to think about the other things that have been bogging me down.

So here is a clue to my half way secret. I get into work this morning to find out I am not the only one who knows... We are a small group, we are tight (or so I thought)Everyone in my office knows and the rumors and gossip are on a roll, and I don't know the truth or the side to believe. My boss's boss made a human error by putting a meeting on my boss's calender (the same fricken calender I manage) the appt was specific about the future of my office and the jobs of my co-workers. I have been assured my job is cool, but I had to confront my boss about this, so what is a guy to do when he is on the spot...guy's lie. Period.
While part of me wants to say I gave up my yearly vacations and take my sick children to work with me for the sake of getting work done should speak loudly and save grace... I don't think it meant shit. I am pissed and bitter that I could have said "screw my job" and spent the time I have been dying to have with my kids.
BUT and that is the same "but" that carries a small dilemma of conscious with it... But what if my job is secure? What do I do? Do I still take the time off, follow my predictable spontaneous, procrastinating side and make up for my vacations and take the time off (The same time I have will be the only impression to not only my boss but his boss to save my ass?) and for what?... for it all to end up the same way in the end... maybe no job?
I wont know until next week and frankly I am not concerned about future employment because I have a strong enough faith in a higher power that things happen for a reason and that I kick ass at my job... people would be stupid NOT to hire me. But this is a strong area of predictability for me that does not sit well with me. I have a half truth sitting in my head.... what to do... what to do?

I am not quite homeless and not quite jobless, but in a matter of days this all could change. WOW... Life sure does hit ya like a ton of bricks...and I wouldn't even know about the job part if it wasn't for a human error.

There is a Fly in my Vodka

So I swept my finger in and flicked it out.
I needed a screw driver.

It was all I had, I opened the fridge, milk... Apple Juice... Orange juice. OJ it is. And since I'm mixing I can make it as strong as I want.

Just after I posted about my stress level and I think it can't possibly get worse... it does. I got kicked while I was already down. I can't go into details just yet, because I know something no one else knows and only by complete human error do I know this. I confronted a person about this matter and I was looking for a small glimmer of hope. I got it, but I don't feel like I got it, its like having the answers to the test without knowing what the test questions are going to be.
crazy.

Funny thing happens when life comes at you faster than the speed limit. We, as natural human beings turn into fighters, we fight stronger... But why does it take shit hitting the fan to make that happen??

Stressed? Who Me?

Remember these guys, the sidekicks to the villain Ursula in the Little Mermaid. Flotsam and Jetsam. That's me. In appearance anyways. I have this thing when I get stressed. Its a weird thing but it is a tale tell sign of what is going on in my world. no hiding the fact that I stress.
You see when ever I stress, out of no where....seriously no where, one of my eyes.. (typically my right) but it doesn't matter and it is always only one, one of my eyes gets blood shot red. I joke that I look like the eels Flotsam and Jetsam.(if you remember correctly or have recently seen the movie for the gazillionth time, they have one glowing eye... just one... just like me)

I could give a laundry list of things that are stressing me out, and I am not sure at what level my stress needs to be to carry my wonderful one eyed eel trait. It is self diagnosed as a stress issue because when my stress level is killing me that is when my eye is at its brightest red. I have been to the doctors and had eye tests and there are no apparent problems.. it doesn't hurt, itch and has never been contagious. It is solely an appearance issue. I wonder sometimes what complete strangers think when they see me, or if I was to get pulled over if a cop would assume something else. Unloading my stress at my verbal vomit sessions seem to help, but resolution to the things stressing me out would be nice too.

I am in the middle of looking for a place to move. I am being a bit on the picky side. I don't want to live in an apartment anymore. I see a ton of homes listed for rent, but they are either not immediately available, don't take pets, are WAY to much money to justify it as a rent payment or too much of a commute.
So in the meantime I drive the boys to school in the morning, pick them up in the middle of my work day and bring them back to the office with me. I don't think I can get away with that for the entire school year, not to mention I don't want to be doing that. I feel homeless... I have a place to sleep but it isn't my house.
Home is security, it is peace even when it is chaotic. I have taken for granted the space a place of my own gives me.
Right now I am so uprooted.. I miss a good home cooked meal, chilling on the couch and watching a movie, vacuuming my living room floor every time the vacuum lines get messed up.