Have you ever read a menu and thought about how delicious an entree sounded? Yeah, me too. Then it comes out for its grand presentation of delight for your mouth, belly and all together mood and then it looks blah! Totally not what you were expecting?
Well aside from food, considering my recent loss of appetite of my apparent situation and the fact that I saw myself in a picture and feel like I have a pregnant pooch (not having that!!!) I feel this way about my life, the way things are turning out.
I have this little mantra taped to my computer screen "Daily Decisions Decide Destiny" - see this backs up my whole live for today theory.... but then stabs it with the whole this could fuck up the rest of the life part your not thinking about! uggghh, I hate trying to rationalize, to figure things out... making pieces fit into one puzzle that came from another just to complete the picture.
I really hope this just doesn't sound like rambling BS... I am just trying to go thru my head like a girl digging in a clothes pile for her favorite shirt that she just has to wear today. I know it is inside me somewhere.. the answers I need, to figure out my current situation.
So I have a job, but I am bowing out of it. I have sat on this all week. I need the time to get me back together, spend the time with my boys I have been craving, volunteer in their classes, take the written test for the DMV for the state I actually live in, not the one I pretend to live in, organize the garage, plant flowers... you know just do "me" stuff. Live and enjoy it, I don't want to keep looking back every day and think about how I should have just taken the day off and done this or that. I have decided that I want to take the little severance package and be stress free.
I haven't told my boss yet. I want to do it face to face. He hasn't been in the office, but he will be tomorrow and I am totally freaking out. I have quit twice... you hear me? that is 2 times I have gotten new jobs lined up and quit on this guy and well you see... I still work for him. "Money Talks" he would say... I would agree. I even got an award. It seriously reads "Couldn't stay away award" Fucked up huh! But right next to that award is one for "Hardest Worker"... that's because this girl worked her ass off to be 100% burnt out.
I love my job, I love what I do... I just need a break. I just need my boy's... my family.
So back to the food that I ordered that doesn't look like anything I imagined.
What if me leaving with the rest of my work crew is not in the best interest? What if I would regret this decision? I have headaches, an unbelievable stress level and crappy sleep at night. What if I am making the wrong "daily decision" on this?
Friday I sat in Michal's office... god I cant say enough how much I love that place.. the smell in itself is therapeutic for me. I told him about my job that I still had. He asked me what I was doing for the weekend. I told him I was looking for a place to live...duh? But that the back of my head kept telling me ...beach, beach, beach. He told me to go to the beach.... I did and to one that was almost the farthest away. Had a blast. Enjoyed the time with E and the boys... I know I still need to look for a place but hard to do when so many other factors are up in the air. and just like me telling Michal that the beach was calling me... the same goes for me not transferring my job to the other location. It just doesn't sit well with my situation and the things I desire and have going on. I guess my gut is telling me the right, but my brain is still trying to pump me full of common sense.
I wanted to share the short but fun beach trip with photo's and all but my camera downloading skills are very dysfunctional. So as soon as I figure that out I still want to share!
Thanks for reading my "verbal vomit" and being there!
2013. Phhhhht!
11 years ago
3 comments:
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love it. another critical thinker. i'm not the only one who takes things apart, puts them back together, turns them inside out, upside down, looks at them backwards and forwards, tries to figure out all the angles how's it gonna fit, will it look good, what will happen if i put it this way, and just generally analyze the hell out of it, and still end up not making a decision.
For me, I came to the realization that I cant look at the big picture (the future) and live in the moment at the same time. I had to take a leap of faith. I know from vast experience that living in the moment is far better than living with one foot in the past and one in the future. But, in order to completely live in the moment, live for today, I had to have a tremendous amount of faith that the future will work out exactly the way it is supposed to (like the house situation).
Trying to live in the moment without this "faith" about the big picture, about my future, caused a great deal of stress, and yes, I still get caught up in it on a daily basis. But I will say that when I am able to stay present, the quality of those moments is better than the quality of worrying about all the future ones.
Hope that makes sense?
Girlie, I have been a server and bartender in some of the most amazing restaurants in NYC. I am a lover of of food and critical myself. I think sometimes I do a better job cooking at home- no recipes, just think of your favorite choice on the menu and cook it yourself---it's really so easy. My mom is a recipe junky. If its not in the recipe, she can't customize... It sucks so bad when you want an amazing meal and you make the perfect menu choice and its not as good as it sounds. I say, drop it on the floor, pretend its an accident... and order something else..lol. Anyway, I know what you mean by needing a break sometimes from your job...I was pregnant, puking in the bathroom and needing to go home to F**K my boyfriend and lay on the couch watching movies... It's such a commitment that I now have to take on. I'm broke and have to work to provide for myself. But good luck with that, think hard before you quit, but do what's best for you,.... you only live once.
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