Is it over?... Good riddance

Well the day was here and now it is gone. The proof is that I am at work, the guy who is standing out on the corner holding the sign that directs you to the mattress store... Is proof. I was not fortunate to still maintain "vacation" status like many others, and it is so very boring and slow today at work. I slipped out at lunch and brought my boys back to the office with me. They are playing with their new electronics and I am typing this blog. I could think of other productive things to do, but sometimes you have to let things be the way they are. I am grateful for the job that I have. To be able to bring my boys in when ever I want... That is a pretty nice luxury.

Christmas was a very nice holiday this year, like the rest of this year it was gone too quickly. I finished my 12 days of Christmas to a family I chose. Every night I delivered, I discovered something new. One of the boys was in my son's class, the mother always donated all of her time and effort to that class. I don't know if she was recognized for it at all if any, but I wanted her to know that I thought she was a pretty special person to do that. The first 3 nights I delivered I discovered that she did not have a door mat. I purchased one for her and it was out the next night. The night after that... A Christmas tree was put up and following the tree was the lights.
I saw her Christmas come alive, I would like to think it was in part by me. What I did not realize until 2 days before Christmas was that her husband is a long haul truck driver, that explained why I never saw him and then suddenly a Semi was parked in front of their house. She stays home taking care of home and family all day long every day, that is exhausting work. Christmas Eve, it was I who received a surprise, on her front door was a brown bag with a card that read "To our Secret Santa", She expressed her gratitude for our gifts and sweet thoughts, how much they loved the attention and promised to "pay it forward" next year. Inside the brown bag was an angel ornament, I can only guess that is because she thought of us that way. I am blessed to have brought love to another, and only wish that it was more common for others to help out. I was only trying to show appreciation and it was obvious that our secret visits brought much more. Next year we will find another family to share with and continue to pay it forward.

For the family, me, my Mother and twin sister made scrapbooks full of memories of my dad, for each and every kid (6 of us) and then a Grandpa and Me book for all the grandkids (too many to count) because my sister and I were involved in this project she made my scrapbook and I made hers. We exchanged them and admired the work and love that went into these books. I opened mine up and cried at the first page. I can't say it will ever get easier to look through these pages and not cry out the memories I have. This Christmas was about so much more than material things. I didn't officially bring the "real" meaning to my boys, we shared no stories of the birth of Christ, but I still felt a wonderful Christmas spirit and that's what was apparent to my boys and is good enough for me.

10 days and Counting...

Its almost here... and just as fast,it will be gone. All that hype, energy and effort and then Christmas will be yesterdays news... last years news and thoughts of the Christmas coming in another 12 months will be on our minds.
Last night was the company Christmas party. No spouses invited (not that I have one to invite anyway)... that is the trend these days only employees can go and drink merrily with their co-workers and we can behave un like our professional businessselvess and act stupid. I work with a bunch of bank people and I have had "funner" parties, but for what it was... it wasn't too bad, after all it was a bank throwing the party and the drinks and food weren't half bad. What was bad is that my office is in another state and I had to drive with the flow of the states yuckiest traffic to scoot myself over to the "Couv" as we Portlanders call it. I left my office at 330 and arrived in the Couv at 600... this drive on normal hours (non rush hour) is normally 40-45 min's.
Yep, Fun times. It also was national news about the storm that was coming in. mix the crap weather with this drive and that party was so very welcomed in my head. I bailed early because unlike the rest of the bankers I had a 45 minute drive home in a storm, I had 2 glasses of wine and with the wind jerking my car I was sure I was going to get pulled over for erratic driving as I could not maintain my lane with the wind. As I pulled on my street, everything went black and then there was no power. sometimes I am in the dark about things, but literally this time I was in the dark. I got power back by 4 in the morning.
So with 10 days left, I have the shopping thing out of the way. I will be sending out the remainder of my Christmas cards (no "brag" letters) I dont really have anything I want to brag and share about anyway, it would be more of a "glad the year is over and all the crap that came with it". I will just wait out the rest of the year at work like any normal day in hopes that nothing else can happen to make this the most "worstest year ever".

Holiday Cheer

I have my list, checked it twice, changed it 4 times and purchased almost everything on it and then some, except for one thing...
I rejected the idea of waking up at 5AM and making a mad dash to stores to pick up Christmas presents on sale. I knew what I wanted and what I wanted included room for my cart to buy these things. That is something that is un realistic with grumpy, pushy people the morning after Thanksgiving. So I waited and maybe even procrastinated a little to buy a Nintendo Wii (just like everyone else) I was under the impression there was plenty to go around and instead have found myself on the phone making calls to every store that could possibly carry one to find out when their next shipment is coming in. I found one place that actually knew the date of their next shipment and how many they were getting so today I left work right at 10am to go to the store and pick one up as they open their doors. I walk in to find out that the last 2 were sold to the 2 people right in front of me and that the shipment only had 5 of them not the 50 they had thought and now they don't know when the next shipment is coming in. Back to where I was...Empty handed and with no clue.

I don't NEED this Wii and I am not going to wear myself out trying to get it and absolutely refuse to pay anything over the normal retail price for it, but man how cool it would be to have one under the tree for 2 little boys...
And I guess if my only gripe is that I cant find this one item, then really there is no gripe. Christmas will still be a great time for us, The boys and I will each be picking a name from one of those tree's you find in stores and malls with someone's name on it and we will be going and buying the gifts this weekend. I want the boys to feel how good it is to give and not just receive. This year will also be our first year doing the 12 days of Christmas to a family in the neighborhood. It's been a down right crappy year and I can honestly say that it isn't turning out half bad.
The Christmas Spirit is alive and well in my house and my heart!

Leftovers

Well Thanksgiving is gone and with it my anxiety was whisked away as well. I was prepared for Thanksgiving, and in prepared I mean I had my vodka by my side. I was prepared with my mashed potatoes and prepared for the oodles of kids that were sure to bring a hangover greater than anything I could get from drinking. I'm grateful for a family to share the Holidays with, I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is only once a year too. I looked around the table, examining the faces of my family members, trying to see if there could be something read from their faces or body language, something that could let me know that they too thought of course just how it wont ever be the same. I saw depression on one and true love on another, but neither possibly from the absence of the man that was the glue for this family. The boys seem to be missing him a lot more as well, I told Kace that it was okay to cry and think about the good memories of Grandpa and he replied "but I will miss him more". I promised him that it will help and over time it will get easier. I volunteered to find a picture of his grandpa that he can hang onto and shamefully I have not done that yet. I spent the weekend shopping like the rest but I had a different purpose. I shopped for items and treats to put together a gift basket for my dad's co-workers. When he passed away I snatched the ornament he had tucked away in his dresser drawer to protect it from what ever might come this year. My intentions are to visit his office and deliver this basket with the ornament he purchased a year in advance to exchange with someone at his office for the annual ornament exchange. His co-workers told me he was the only male that participated in this. What a great guy. Secretly I would like to keep the ornament but solely for sentimental value as it isn't a snowman and I most likely will keep it buried with the rest of my prized keepsakes. So I will deliver the ornament and probably cry as I do, knowing that a year ago he purchased the ornament thinking it would be him exchanging it.
I feel more at ease bringing Christmas into full gear, truthfully I have my tree up and every last bit of my snowman decorations, from salt and pepper shakers to bathroom handsoap to a wreath with happy white snowmen on it. My last request goes out to the Weather man... If you have any schmoozing ability at all with mother nature... I don't mind the snow, if you could have her bring some more please.

Waxed smiles

This past weekend was pretty good. Took the boys to see Happy Feet, the little penguin movie, It was cute and humorous and I was silently relieved that we saw that movie over the 'Flushed Away" flick.. I am sure it is a cute movie, but I have no interest in seeing it. Friday evenings are always good for me, because I let go of all my loose strings to my living Diary (Michal) and I have discovered it is the one day I don't come home and crave Vodka and Cranberry. We are a few days away from Thanksgiving and I am thankful for my family, friends and blessings, but not looking forward to it. My father wont be there and I realized that I usually go to family functions to see him. This thanksgiving will also be at my brothers house, the same place it was last year and the last Thanksgiving where he was. Michal said it is very healthy to feel as if he is there and not to hide it. I don't know what I will feel, I anticipate it to be difficult so therefore I am not looking forward to it.

Saturday I took it upon my self to get back into the groove of my drinking abilities. The boys went to spend the night with their dad and I decided that I would do something I rarely do... Wax my legs, its a dangerous thing with me and not really painful in my opinion but I guess I don't pull my skin Taunt enough as I manage to take off a layer of skin with each pull. I am drinking of course and I have a guy friend over... He sees what this is doing to me and yet he is enticed by the smoothness and absence of hair after it is done, he loads up on a few drinks and is ready for me to apply this wax to his lower stomach and remove hair that bothers him. His hands are in fists anticipating the pain, eyes closed very tight... I tell him to breath and as he inhales I pull it off like a band-aid... He lifts his head to look, breaths again and tells me to keep going. The second section and strip didn't go as well, I applied, pulled and the results were only half of the hairs. He screeched in pain and declined to continue, jumped in the shower and shaved the rest off instead. I thought his attempt was honorable and think of the movie 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' where there are patches on his stomach with no hair. I will ask in a week for him to show me his bare spots. After our waxed fun we headed to a hole in the wall that is famous for its jumbo nacho. We order this "famous jumbo nacho"it comes out on a platter that is bigger than one that accompanies a pizza of large proportions. I dive in and enjoy, we watch football on one TV in the right corner of the room and the left TV flashes the numbers for KENO... I have never played KENO so my friend explains it to me and we take some KENO strips and do hypothetical plays...We watch numbers that have been coming up more frequently than others and we both take our guesses as we watch each hand draw... I was unsuccessful and decide that I am not in the mood to play it. The beers are starting to hit me and we roll over the the pool table where I continue my losing streak to my buddy, who claims he is not very good, well I must be awful then, aside from a few good (lucky) shots I lost all 3 games there too.

I spent my Sunday laying around on my couch watching a marathon of John Travolta movies as the latest rush of rain comes tumbling through the great state of Oregon.

And as for the start of this short but busy work week... Bring it on... Bring it on.

Never Enough

There is never enough time to do anything in this world...Except maybe too much time to be at work rather than whatever it is we would rather be doing. Not a day goes by while I am sitting here at work that I wish for once I was off somewhere else doing what ever it is I want to be doing. I try and take a vacation once a year, a real one... You know the kind where you pack your bags for a while and leave everything behind... I love Mexico, but who doesn't enjoy the culture, the food, and the weather? I haven't been in 3 years, I went to San Diego at the beginning of this year and the boys... They want to go back there this coming new year. I don't mind San Diego or California for that matter. There are a ton things in Cali and the weather down south is great to me.
I want a real good one though, it doesn't have to be in a foreign country... It just needs to be far enough away where a phone call from my boss asking me to come back and he will make it up to me later won't be possible for him to do.
I took a vacation, or some time off I should say, right at the start of school. During the days I spent my time volunteering and helping my mom with her own class of 1st graders. It wasn't really a vacation, work was still on my mind and phone calls from the office still came in, but being with 1st graders that aren't your own and your not the teacher either.... That was a joy.

I wish I could win millions... Not to be greedy, I couldn't anyway I am a very giving person and I have a gigantic family... But just so I could go and do what I needed to, wanted to do. I don't want to hop on a plane and fly out of the country, instead I want to go browse in shops and spend 3 hours preparing and making dinner without thinking it as a chore and exhausting myself. To go volunteer myself around a more realistic schedule.
Life is so short as it is, there are so many lessons we are supposed to learn and people we are supposed to meet.
My biggest gripe is that I don't have enough time with my boys. They are my heart and soul, we get to spend the evenings together but they are full of errands, scouts and homework, then there is their dad who jerks around and wants to visit on HIS schedule on weekends. I just want time to enjoy their "kid" years, to have a great relationship and fun growing up experiences... My memories of growing up consist of a lot of staying home with the brothers and sisters or babysitters. My parents had a full plate and you do what you got to do, hence why I work... But why is there never enough time to do what you really desire?

Same crap... Different day

yep, that is how it has been around here. I have been on edge for a while and I noticed that I take favor to my drink a lot more right now. All I have been feeling is that I am walking through my days with the same crap, just a different day. I am anxiously awaiting my Friday appointment with Michal, to sit in his very feng shui office, the environment, the smell and the colors. Every Friday I take my week full of crap and I sit in his black leather couch, take a deep breath, look around and then unload... Poor guy, he is soo good at what he does though and I am very happy to have him.
I don't know if it is the holidays presence that is bringing this on or if it is the ruthless cycle of grieving, but I miss my dad. I miss him so much.
In 1996 I had just joined the Army and I was glad to leave my family, leave the same routine and that dirty house. I had no idea what awaited me when I arrived on the training base, but that last thing I expected was for my father to be my closest supporter and biggest fan. The first 2 weeks of boot camp they put us in 'total control', no freedom and no phone privileges. I was barely 18 and since I was the black sheep of my house and very famous for breaking the rules, I thought it was crap. I had a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I couldn't call home. My family wasn't sure what was ahead for me and thought that I went on to forget about them. I finally got my chance to call home, I remember it because I didn't get to say anything that I wanted to say... I cried, no... I bawled unable to speak. The voice on the other line, my dad... Telling me to hang in there, he unexpectedly not knowing that I was terribly terribly homesick. From that day forward I received letters upon letters from him showing his support and love for me.
Today I still have the letters, they are worth more than gold to me. I dug them out last night and was reading them. He wrote once how he wished he would have given me a blessing before I left and that he regretted not doing that, but that he continued to keep me in his prayers and ask for an angel to stick by me. I thought about going to visit with him the night he died, but I chose not to and like that letter, I regretted not being able to do that. One letter in particular was my dad asking me if I remember when we would pass it each other in the hall and he would hug me before we continued on our way..'I miss that, I miss you a lot' he wrote. I miss that too daddy, I miss you a lot.
My favorite letter was him sharing a moment he had under the stars one night... "The stars came out, big, beautiful and bright, and I put on my glasses and looked at them for a while. I couldn't help think how we all live together in this world, and we are so pre-occupied with our own little things, and how insignificant many of those things are. I thought about the things that were the most important in life, like love, and family, and service to our fellow-beings. When we die it truly won't matter whether or not we had a lamborgini, or whether we were good skiers or that we owned summer homes in the mountains."
I am the person I am today because of him and the lessons he taught and the words and feelings he shared. I wish I could remember that during times like this. I am glad I read that letter last night, it is still the same crap, but whether it truly matters or not is what I need to remember.

MISSING:

I have been searching and searching and I think it is lost, it has the colors brown, burnt orange, red and green. It usually comes this time every year, there are turkeys, harvest decorations and plenty of thanks to go around.
I walked into the store yesterday and something was missing, I saw Halloween decorations and candy on sale for 70% off and the isles were full of blue, white, green and red. There where ornaments galore, trees, stockings and Christmas lights.... Where was Thanksgiving? It is only a couple weeks away and every memory and thought of it is missing. I am not a huge fan of Thanksgiving, mostly because this year I am stuck bringing mashed potatoes and you can't bring the instant kind to the family gathering, but it is still an important holiday that lets us busy, rushed, impatient, rude and plain down right ignorant people to slow down and be thankful for the friends and family we have, not to mention the food on the table and the roof over our heads.

Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday and why should we wait for this once a year occasion to do what we should be doing more often. Visit family more, even if they drive you insane. Spend more relaxing meals together... It isn't so we can all become happy holiday fat year round, but so we can have conversations that we missed or put off, so that we can stay in tune to the things that really matter instead of watching 'Entertainment Tonight' to get the latest scoop on the Britney and KFed divorce that was just announced. I'm a procrastinator I hold off to do these things I am preaching just as much, but instead of waiting for the new year to make a resolution, start that change with Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is missing. We are all just as guilty for the lack of presence it has in the stores.
If you find your grateful help me find it, help us bring it back....

Lock In

This past weekend the boys and I got to experience something that most people have to commit some kind of crime to get it. We got to spend a night in jail.
The city of Portland built a new jail facility to transfer and house minimal security inmates, they mis-budgeted however and it has sat empty for about a year now.
I find it very coincidental that the county sheriff chose such an opportune time to promote himself and the county by allowing the boys scouts to spend a night in jail, but of course I bite and decided it would be fun. Our meals were jail food (great diet for those of you who are looking for the newest trend). Surprisingly they had a great facility and if I was homeless and hungry I might want to try something to have an extended stay in the jail.
While we were there the boys were shown defense tactics, got to operate night vision equipment, and watch a police dog demonstration (my favorite part). The following morning they got their mug photo's and fingerprints.
Over all the experience was fun and exhausting. I' m not sure it deterred the boys from thinking jail is bad and to not want to go back there. Although they were not allowed to bring any electronics, the staff was friendly and they did not lock us in any rooms. We had the ability to go outside and walk the halls as we pleased.

Something About Today

There is something about today, he would type in an email that he would send me every 310th day of the year.
There were some big things that happened on this day....
In 1813 Mexico declares its independence from Spain and in 1860 Abraham Lincoln was elected our 16th President, but something else happened too.
Hmmm, maybe it was that RCA displayed its TV for the press in 1936 or in 1952 the first Hydrogen bomb exploded? No that's not it either.
Well, in 1985 the 22nd space shuttle mission 'Challenger9' landed at Edwards Air Force Base and in 1986 President Reagan signed the landmark immigration reform bill.
Oh I got it! In 1977 on this day your mother was in labor and gave birth to 2 beautiful baby girls, I remember when they were rolling you out of the delivery room in the warmer and those eyes looking all around. We didn't know we were having twins and that was a sweet surprise.
Happy Birthday Baby!

This isn't one he sent to me, and I wont receive another, I will treasure the ones I have received and miss the years to come where I would expect them. They were cheesy and they were full of his love to tease. It is funny (not in the real sense) how you miss the little things and how much they really mean to you when you don't get them anymore. I'm a daddy's girl, always will be. I will enjoy my day today but understand that it just wont be the same without him.

Other famous people I share this day with are:
1932 Don King
1946 Sally Field
1955 Maria Schriver

My favorite things:
The Color Yellow
Clowns
Snowmen
Sunflowers and Tulips
Piano Music
Driving Scenic Routes
The Smell of Lavender
Chic Flicks
Being a Twin
The Number 5

Twin-isms

The most asked question I get when people discover I am twin is "what is it like to be a twin".
I try not to respond with too much sarcasm, but lets stop and think about this... I don't know what it is like to NOT be one, so I usually reply with "I don't know? What is it like to not be one?" They usually catch on with that comment.
Twins are a wonder and exciting to people. We are identical so we look alike and sound alike. To this day there are people who take second glances and we don't even wear our hair the same length or even color,our body types are different and our style of dress are different. Growing up our friends and family were confused easily and we had a lot of nicknames such as twinie so that they did not look stupid because they didn't know which one they were talking to or looking at. We have switched classes on April Fools day, we were a hit as flower girls at everyone's weddings and were participants in look alike contests. Best one of all is to be the poster child for your twin when the other wanders off in a public place and you are the best thing to what she is wearing and looks like.
Pro's to being a twin: you always have someone to go with you on that first day of school, someone to share that secret with, and double the amount of friends, but nothing replaces the best friend you had since you were born.
Con's are it is sometimes hard to gain your own individuality, as we are older this has definitely become easier. On that same note, as we have gotten older we have grown apart... I think that in our hearts we think of the other daily, but we have our own families and live a distance apart.

The Best part of being a twin is the moments you only hear about, and you can be a skeptic or think I am full of it, that is your right, but we have a connection and that has been proven to us on some occasions. In kindergarten I was foolishly dancing on the dinner table(parents obviously not in the room) I fell off and became temporarily blinded, that same year my twin fell off her bike and too became temporarily blinded. Once in the Jr. High I was sitting in Science class with a pencil in my hand and my thumb started to hurt, so much that I was crying. There was nothing wrong with me. My sister had shop class that same period and had almost cut off her thumb (same thumb as mine that was hurting). I found out after class what had happened.
High School I was a terror and stayed out all night one night, not calling or letting my parents know where I was out, my twin advised my parents that I was alright because she could sense that I was. Four years ago my twin sister was pregnant with her first child, one day while we were in the mall together my stomach started to ache, I looked at her and she was having a contraction those contractions continued for a while ( I know I felt them). Just this year, I was going thru a hard time and she sent me an email that meant the world to me, the catch to that one was it was a letter she wrote over a year ago and never sent and happened to pull it out and send it to me, just because.

If some how there was a choice to either be or not to be, I would still be a twin. I would share the clothes, the room and the toys. To my other half, I love this, this is to us and almost 29 years together, you couldn't get rid of me in the womb and you can't get rid of me now :) Love ya!

The Way I see It

I am a Starbucks addict and while there is nothing wrong with me being addicted to my triple shot of coffee I am clobbered with the Starbuck Trends. For the last year the cups come with comments they have dubbed 'The Way I see It' ....Creative.
I don't always read them, but today I did read it and I am going to post it below. For me I agree with this one hundred percent, I couldn't have said it better myself.

I think when we get angry at others, most of the time, we're really angry at ourselves. It is not "us versus them" - we are all connected. Perhaps the anger comes in how much of "us" we see in "them". Whether it is cutting someone off or taking more than one's share, perhaps we are angry at ourselves for doing similar things every day. In any case, change will come when we stop pointing the finger and start looking in the mirror. - The Way I See It #177.

I am not a complete saint in this area, but I know that what I do and say will affect and mold my children. Kids are cruel enough and easily influenced. We don't know what kind of a day another person has had and when we smirk our bad mood to someone else that is passed on to the next person they run into. I always tell a friend of mine to "stop and think, before you speak". Once you say something it is not as easy to take it back, whether you meant it the way it was recieved or not.

Sassy Six

I don't remember what I was like when I was 6 years old really, except that on Halloween I was all dressed up and excited to go out and get candy, so excited that I ignored the screen door that was mostly glass and busted right through it, breaking it as I tried to make my grand exit to the street. Halloween and my carebear costume had lost its charm that year.

My baby (I know pathetic to still call him that) is 6 years old, he is cute, smart and comes with a ton of character. Last week he called me while I was still at work, wanting to know if I could hear the music in the background, asking me if I remember this song, as if it was from the 80's (it wasn't, it was 'Survivor' by Destiny's Child). He continued his conversation by asking me what the weather was going to be like tomorrow so that he could select what he would wear the following day.... "Does my 'Born to be cool' shirt match my blue shorts?".
He is six, and while I sometimes catch him playing his gameboy or with his cars... I wonder if he is too old for his age? Or if I still see him a lot younger than what he is. He hasn't gone thru a growth spurt yet and still has the adorable chubby cheeks he was born with, hasn't lost any teeth yet, and still wears a size 4 toddler in pants.
The adult manner in him comes out when he gets angry (a vein in his neck comes out and the fist clinch as he screams his frustration), he ignores you very quickly (definitely a man thing). and his hair has to be just like so. Wednesday it was spiked with gold colored gel. Today is 'drug free' day at school and the color red is to be worn to show participation in being drug free (lets hope he still is) So he needed to wear red, but not any red, a red shirt that would match the same tone of red as his shorts and since his shorts have a blue stripe down them a blue sharktooth necklace and spiked hair with bright blue hair gel in it would help accent it perfectly.
Like I said before, I don't remember much about being 6, but I am pretty sure I didn't care as much about my hair being combed let alone styled or what clothes I wore.
He is six, and I already feel old and out of date.

Smackdown

It is getting towards the end of October and things start to get scary and ugly. This year I am not talking about Halloween. I am talking Politics. I don't really know if I am an ass or an Elephant or the middle of the fence kind of gal. What I do know is that I have an opinion, but not enough to get a phone call on my cell phone at 9:30 at night from a survey company who wants my political opinion so that they (they as in the survey company) can take their new finds back to whom ever is paying them way to much money and predict the ending results by this tedious list of questions they ask.
Like I said, I have an opinion, will I vote on my opinions? Maybe not. Do I think it is important enough to check my yes on 42 or 48 or to go for one governor over the other? No. I would rather vote for cartoon characters and to bring Pluto back as a planet before I punch my brad or use my #2 pencil to circle in my choice.
I hate tele-marketers who try and sell you something and they make it sound great, but everytime you buy what ever it is, it is never as good as they said it was. For me this is the same as voting. The last time I voted was for the presidential election and it wasn't for the man who is running things right now, but had I voted for him, I would want my money back.
I was watching the governor's Tee off on a debate the other night, and it was more of a who had more dirt on who kind of show, which made it fun to watch as they tried to drag the other one out, but it gave a feel of immaturity and made me realize I was watching a WWF Smackdown with words. I am supposed to vote for one of these yahoo's? What is the middle choice if I don't like either. There isn't, except not to vote and not to donate funds for the bashing TV ads and Newspaper articles that dish on their opponent. Bring it on folks and in the end I hope you are successful and happy with sitting in the winners seat by doing exactly what you teach your children not to do.

Thursday is the new Friday

"Thursday is the new Friday" I heard my boss say that yesterday, probably in explanation to someone as to why he hasn't hardly worked a Friday this year, including today. I guess it could happen, things are changing everyday... And even though it doesn't look, feel, smell or act like something, we like to force it to be.
Pink is the new Blue: I encourage this one, pink is a very favorable color, it compliments, softens and adds flare to things. It also speaks of confidence for those men who are not afraid to show this side of themselves.... If you pop your collar, get your eye brows waxed and other "primping" things than you might be...
Metro is the new Gay: This is for those guys who don't swing that way, but admire and care for themselves as much if not more than some women. I like this one too, there is no longer a reason a guy needs to be a slob or care less about how he looks and men find they get a certain kind of attention - this trend might have gone out like bell bottoms, but I don't think women will let it die so easily... I call the Metro look also the Abercrombie look.
0 is the new 4: Size apparently matters. The skinny stars and super models are tinier than ever. Marilyn Monroe was not a small waisted diva, she had some curves and was the Icon for sexy. A lot of older day art also has the woman's body displayed with curves as well. If you are a size 0 there is nothing to show for sexy. I notice that size 8 (my size) is usually the size missing off the rack, all I can find hanging there is sizes 0 thru 4. My interpretation is there are more 8's than 0's.
There are so many more, you get the idea. I wish the Thursday one applied to me. I could use the extra weekend day.

SUV: Sport Utility Vehicle? or Stupid Unyeidling Vehicle?

You can always get a feel for how the day will go by a glimpse of your morning, mine starts out with the morning routine (there isn't one) I mean I try and it usually goes as good as it can. If the boys get up early enough they get to pick out their cereal of choice and watch cartoons while I get ready. If not they get a pop tart on our way out the door. They tend to like the idea of watching cartoons and having their stuff together. Which in turn helps me out. Mornings have been good with our makeshift morning routine, so the next step is my religious coffee stop. I don't care if I am going to be 15 minutes late to work, I am getting my coffee.
I pull into the parking lot and see my destination... A parking spot straight ahead, and close to the front door. So the vehicle in front of me grabs one open spot and I try and slide my small but very cute blue car in the spot next to it. It wont work, I mean, I could get in the spot but no one would be able to open their doors. The vehicle that parked right before me was a Chevrolet Suburban. I start to feel attitude coming up, I quickly back up and pull into another spot, while this spot is not as close to the door and it is finally raining in Oregon like good 'ol days I walk the extra 10 feet to the front door that carries the smell and warmth of my morning happiness in a cup.
The driver of the Suburban looks at me, I am anticipating a comment from him, and since I haven't had my coffee I automatically assume it would be somewhat similar to my attitude that started to grow as I couldn't park because this honkin car hogged up 2 spots. He holds the door and says "Please go in first, it is the least I could do since my car is parked over the line" . My manners come back to me in a snap and the attitude left as quick as it came. He comments about how the car is a pain to park and a pain in his wallet for gas, that his 16 year old son just got his license and he needs a smaller car for his son to drive.
So my morning went pretty well and my day hasn't been so bad. Had this situation gone differently I am sure the day too would follow with a less than favorable mood.
This whole thing just got me thinking about SUV's though... I cant speak much out of the Northwest states, but we here are obsessed with SUV's.... They are great for the changes in the weather and grocery shopping and large families that want to look better than driving the "mini van". BUT and that is a big but, they take up a lot of space, you can't fit them anywhere and the drivers of these notoriously huge vehicles tend to carry a lot of attitude, whipping into lanes and parking spots they don't fit in. It might suck, but park further out where it is okay to take up 2 spots... in this "fat" America there are plenty of spots further away from the doors because no one wants to even walk far from their cars! Is it really necessary to have a vehicle so enormous? The Hummer now has a mini version of its monsterous metal on wheels to a more reasonable mid size suv... And my thoughts are not about ALL suv's just the ones that should require a special license and driving class to own and operate.

One in a Trillion

My Friend Joe said to me, "you should title your blog 'One in a Trillion' because your more rare than One in a Million", in the case of the United States it would need to be 300 Million according to the Census.
He said this to me as we were discussing a trip he might take to Vegas soon as a birthday present to himself. I told him to hit up a classy gentleman's Club while he was down there. I have heard from others they are the best around. For some reason guys don't think that girls are too fond of strip clubs. I think they are great and I enjoy going and getting the attention. I also admire the women who are confident and sexy in their skin to share it. I don't think it as a sleazy thing, and I don't swing that way either. I find it odd that most men think it is cool that I enjoy them, Im not jealous is that why?
So I ponder the thought that I am more rare than One in a Trillion. Is it rare for me to be a single mom who is successfully staying a float financially? That I can run my house, tend to meals, homework, kids and be successful at work too? There isn't a choice for me not to, there isn't a choice for me to pass responsibility onto someone else, because there isn't someone to pass it on to. Im not going to let my world, life and home fall apart because I don't have someone to pick up the slack. I don't do well with failure. I have had enough failure in my life that it isn't about to happen just because I am dubbed "single mom".
Is it my personality that makes me rare? My friendly, understanding personality. The sense of humor that I carry with heavy sarcasm? My love of Football, beer, foul language and Cops?
*WARNING* still very high maintenance... I wont go outside without looking cute. I get my hair done religiously, buy expensive name brand makeup. Stylish clothing (even the boys have to match every morning) I don't like wet towel's anywhere but the hamper, especially not on the bed! I do my own French manicure on my hands and toes every 2 to 3 days. I buy a Triple Venti Non-fat, No Whip White Chocolate Mocha from starbucks every morning (Jealous Cory?).
My point is I am just like a Trillion other people out there, each a little different in their own way, I feel I am destined for more, but as far as I go... Im still regular, like everyone else.
I do appreciate the compliment Joe, you are always sweet and kind to me.

Open Wounds

We are officially stuck in the middle of the week. Monday has us blocked in and Wednesday the notorious "hump" day isn't quite here so I am saturated with work, stress and what feels like a really long week still ahead.
I have been seeing Michal now for 3 months. Progress? Of course, and while my initial reasoning for needing therapy or counseling or a bitch-fest (to each their own) is not why I see him now. I have progressed in area's I didn't even know were really issues. One in particular hits a little rough today.
I get a phone call at 8am on the dot. Phone calls at 8am usually are family and this one was close enough. A person in my prayers and thoughts had past away at 5am this morning. 88 years old, but you would have never thought by the way this man moved, spoke or physically looked that he was near the age he really was. His dear wife sent out an email message to everyone and these were her words.... "Our 'Jake' has gone. He had a quiet passing and it was time for him to leave. He was such a wonderful man and husband, and it will be a great loss to many."
This email and event has opened up a fresh wound for me. While old is never old enough and I am not sure there really is "a time to go". Someone's, someone is gone. Whether she knows it or not she will see him again, but until then it will feel as though another eternity has fallen upon her, that it will never be soon enough for her to see him again.
'Jake' like my own father never let on how sick or in pain he really was.
I haven't lost a husband, or a child, but losing someone you love, you admire, you look up to and found no fault in... is hard. No matter the who, what ,when, where and why. It hurts.
I hope you meet my father 'Jake', he was and is a great man. Your in great hands. I will keep your wife and family in my prayers. Today I grieve all over again, and lucky for the sensitive me.... I cry.

Lovely October

October is the month that begins true season festivities. The air is crisp, the leaves are changing to red, orange and yellow. The Sun still pops out and it hasn't rained (which is a surprise for us Oregonians), But the sun gives off a fake sense of warmth. The grass is no longer yellow or dead anymore, it might be a little crunchy from the morning freeze, but none the less it is green again. Its time to treck out to the pumpkin patch, ride in the traditional wagon ride, pick out that just right pumpkin for something that is sure to be a mess at my house with the boys.
Halloween is just around the corner- I have spiderwebs formed around my door, a skeleton standing guard to give a scare, so far it has only succeeded in its frightfulness to my 20lb dog, and a sign that welcomes Trick or Treaters with an orange glow.
Today is Friday the 13th...Superstitious? Not I. I believe in Karma, Fate, Horoscopes and pre destined events, but I'm not Superstitious, haha. My mom used to celebrate Friday the 13th with Ice Cream cones or some other treat. I love traditions.
October is the sign that the next 3 months are going to be hectic, with the weather changes, so goes the daylight, the will to go out and do errands as it gets colder and closer to the treacherous Christmas shopping routine. I can also officially buy my Christmas candy now, as the stores displays make sure you are well aware. My family is already talking about what the plans are for Thanksgiving and Christmas, what day can we all meet together and who brings what to whose house. I just want to get thru the rest of this day and I am forced to think about what I will be doing in 2 months from now so that I don't mess with anyone's plans? I wish I lived farther away, somewhere I could use the excuse that the drive might be too much. Im just not hip on the rest of my family lately, I don't really know why, I feel overwhelmed with them and frankly they don't make much of an effort to call or visit me either.
So on with the superstitious day and what ever it may bring, for now I focus on the great NW colors of the outdoors and the work on my desk that obviously wont disappear on its own.

Something better, something great

Do you ever feel that you are meant for something better. I think of all the things that are going well for me, yet somehow it doesn't seem to be enough... I want more.
I should be happy and content with what I have. I am not looking to be filthy rich (although it would be nice) I know money doesn't buy happiness, it can bring peace of mind financially though.
Mostly I know I am meant to be something more for me, to write and share my story? To be an advocate of something? I strive everyday at work to show I am worth that paycheck, that I am a leader, reliable, smart and innovative. I strive at home with the boys... Showing them how a family can be even if there isn't a dad around everyday. I can cook, clean, help with homework and fix things around the house. I am a superwoman and yet... I want more.
I'm religious; in my heart. I don't go to church every Sunday or read scriptures or say my prayers everyday. I know a relationship with god is important and a form of religion is important for families, but no need for over kill.
There is something out there for me that I can take on and feel ultimate success, ultimate happiness, ultimate peace. This isn't about worldly and material things, this is about finding something better within myself using the talent to be. To be great in my own eyes.
I want something better for myself. Where I don't feel the sluggish thoughts of "just another day" I quote Brooke Noel "something great is going to happen today, I cant wait to see what it is!". I am not sabotaging myself, and I appreciate all the days I return safely home to the boys and the fact that I can support a family of 3 on my own, that there is plenty of food and love to go around, but I don't consider those great! Where is the Great? I know I am meant for something better , something great. I just cant find it, I don't know what it is.

Easy Come, Easy Go... or is it?

Well so far my entries have been about nothing, thoughts I was thinking. But none the less, nothing. Here is the true test: I can type this out, hopefully feel better and not worry that whom ever might read it will care. I will feel better and life will go on.
I have struggled with this past weekend. Mentally I want to break. I see Michal once a week, but when I feel like this I wish it could be more. Michal is my counselor. He helps me figure out why I do the things I do, why I pick the guys I do, why I have always dubbed myself the "black sheep" and have grown to accept it very well. I hate failing, more than anything and when failure strikes it hits me hard. And when I feel like I am close to failing or struggling with anything I get into a slump, that makes me miss my dad.
Dad past away in February of 2006, he was sick for awhile, I always knew he wouldnt make it but a few years, I just never accepted how soon it really would be. I miss him. He was my true, true allie. I went and visited the gravesight, took some flowers, cleaned the headstone. Something about the visit is comforting, I can talk, cry and feel as though I am right beside him and him beside me. I brought fresh flowers, they werent the most expensive, but they were fresh and it is more of a symbol to me. Something to say, hey Im thinking about you. I have neglected visiting him, knowing that I had pain building up. I knew the inevitable was a breakdown. I always feel better afterwards, but it takes alot to get me to go when I know what will happen in order to get me to feel better. I hate crying too.
Which brings me to my feelings of failure...
Yesterday, my youngest son went and spent the day with his father. I am a grown adult who wont hold things against my kids because of their dad, but this one urk's me. Cris spent the entire day with Augi. This wasn't his weekend, but we weren't doing much. The deal was I drop Cris off and he will bring him back at the night. I like it more that way because I want to prepare my house for the evening and bedtime, plus I hate the 25 mile drive there and 25 miles back.
Augi calls me and tells me that he is going to feed Cris and bring him back... this was 7:30pm. At 9:15 I call him and find out what his ETA is... he is still 20 miles away. 9:45 Cris is home. The first thing out of this 6 year olds mouth is, "Can I live with Dad?" I have heard the question before and always tell him when he is older he is more than welcome to choose, but not now.
Augi is a "disneyland" dad. He gets the boys every other weekend. He is also put down in the parenting agreement to have them one night in the middle of the week but that stopped very quickly, half of the time his weekends means saturday night to sunday afternoon. He is too wrapped up in his bachelorhood to be responsible. The kids eat like crap when he has them, bed time is whenever they fall asleep and they sleep in until noon - just so that I struggle to get them back on track for the school week. Augi has no idea what is going on in their lives with Scouts or school and never asks. (I gave up telling him). Augi drives a cool car, lives in a bigger house, and oh yeah, still has no rules.
Cris wasnt old enough to get a feel for his dad "when we were a Family" as my 8 year old puts it. Cris shares alot of the same interests as his father, music, cars, tools. its okay that they bond I encourage it, but I'm pissed to no end that he sends my 1st grader home to persuade me to let him go. " but mommy, you can see me every other weekend like dad does now, I get my own X-Box, my own room with a computer and it will only take 30 days for the paperwork so I can move in with him" "Daddy says to call him in the morning and tell him what you said".... Okay 6 year olds can do alot of their own dirty work, but this one smells of his dad. Unbelievable. I feel like a failure, I have failed at being the mom/dad/friend that my son wants. I know he isnt the decision maker and the answer is still no. I am not looking to be the "favorite" parent. I just want to feel like I am doing enough and with him so adament, upset and determined to leave... I have nothing left to feel but failure. And then I do my second thing... I cry.

Just another number... but numbers count!

You've heard the phrase... we are all just another number. We all have traits and situations that obviously make us more than a number but for the sake of the phrase. We ARE all just another number. Our whole world is about numbers, numbers are used for our paychecks, used with the Census, the IRS, the Schools, the Government, and on and on and on. Everything boils down to numbers. I hated math in school, I hated that everyone especially my math teacher told me that I would need it in the real world. I tried hard to make that a very false statement, but sadly I now have an addiction to numbers, I married my job 4 years ago and the marriage needed math and numbers to survive. My job pays the bills (another group of numbers, some of them are not pretty).

I love my job, well I better, I married it! I help decipher the crazy world of everyone's most expensive bill - there mortgage. There are a lot of fine lines, a lot of numbers, and a lot of stress when it comes to ones house. Right now its "month end" meaning your last push to close every loan that is close enough to fund. It helps those who didn't make their payment because they knew they were refinancing and spent their mortgage on other things and to avoid a derog reporting to another important number maker... their credit report, we must close their new deal! Month end is always a good time for a home buyer to move into their new home or just in time to get that cash-out to pay the bills for the month quickly coming around the corner.
There is the magic number of your rate too, that is determined by your credit and determines how much that mortgage payment will be. You see where this could go? crazy. I sometimes wish my stress and love of alcohol came from an occupation that was more life saving like a Fireman or ER doctor. To some I am a life saver, a marriage saver, a stress saver, and a bank account. For them I raise my glass. Cheers to my career, my number loving career!

Fresh Fish

Ahhh, a breath of fresh air. Im the new kid on the blog. I have always wanted to do this and now I have done it, on to the next thing down the list that never gets shorter. I am a person like everyone else, someone who has something to say, but not sure you want others you know to hear it, sometimes to say things you wish you didnt but can't take back now. This is my freedom belt. Im one in a million (or more) who loves to write, share and get out whatever is hanging around in my head. 2006 has been a long year, I am gracefully waiting for the new year, until then I will fill these blank squares with words, thoughts, love, meaning and life.

hitting close to 30, just starting to enjoy the fact that I have so much more to do. I have the writing bug stuck in my head and the dream and desire to write a book someday, it will come. I have a pretty good self image of myself, I honestly dont lack in that area. If anything I am a snob or 'high maintenance' and I'm okay with that. I believe in the phrase "you cant love anyone else until you love yourself" Well, look out little 'ol me cuz I am in love myself. I'm not perfect, I could fit all my flaws in a book of its own, but thats what I love about myself. I am my own Mona Lisa.

Enough for now.
Glad to be here!