Make an Impact!

I'm going to be demanding and show my High maintenance, persistent side.
I want to make an impact... If anyone is reading this help a girl out eh?
So I came across a page of a girl (lady) named Tracey... Tracey is just like you, me and who ever else. She is participating in the race for a cure. She has a small goal in my opinion ($300.00) and I thought gosh that cant be hard to get. She is already at a $100 and how cool would it be to help a complete stranger meet or exceed that with something that has a personal meaning to them. You see Tracey's friend and neighbor is battling cancer. While mine personal impact remains with Diabetes I am so willing to help out those who take action in things that have a deep personal meaning. So all I need you to do is visit her page... Donate a small amount, show some love from around the states, world! I know you guys have it in you!!!

Spread the love!!


I tried to link it in the cool way but I'm not THAT good!
try this
https://www.traceygrumbach.blogspot.com

Sorry in advance for retardedness about linking!!

It Never Gets Old

That's Cris... Katie looks real amused by his presence... poor girl.

My boys are such great kids and I love the humor they bring.
I wanted to list a few funnies or little quirks that they do.

* I was having a conversation with the boys after picking them up from their fathers. they had visited with one of their aunts and cousins so I inquired as to how they were doing and if their cousin chantel still had a lot of hair (she has always had thick gorgeous hair) Cris tells me it is short and I told him I didn't mean long when I said a lot. he replies and I swear these are his words. "Let me put it to you this way, she looks just like Dora, The hair and everything" hahaha, it was so cute! The best part is she kinda does, I just never associated that.

* The boys have this thing with tunnels, they scream, not an absolute loud one, more of a humming loud with your mouth wide open type. Sometimes it catches me off guard because if we are just driving and conversing it just happens and I am so unaware, but EVERY time they do it without fail. And I can never get mad or irritated, its almost contagious but I just laugh. The best part is if anyone is in the car with us they look over at me like "what the hell is going on".
We have a tunnel Choir!

* Jinx!!! I remember this game, but now the stakes have raised to soda's and things, you don't just jinx someone and the other person has to be quiet for a certain amount of time or until someone else says their name. So the other day they were telling me about something and they both said the same thing at the same time. Kace said Jinx and started counting..Cris quickly screams stop! I think Kace's quick counting got Cris owing Kace 8 Soda's...seeing as how I am not big on drinking soda (absolutely no value to it) I don't know how they plan on working that out, but it happened so fast. I would've owed a 100 or something before I figured out why he was counting.

* I just met the boys father in a parking lot to send them off with him for the weekend. As we both pulled out of the parking lot I ended up behind them. Cris turns around in his seat and starts giving me that little motion where you take two fingers and motion them from your eyes and point to the other person, meaning that you are watching them. Typically this is seen in movies. Well this little guy does this to me! Too cute. It was spontaneous and humorous. How do kids think of these things so quickly!

* Kace has a thing he does where if your talking it doesn't have to be about something specific he will come up behind you, put his arm around you and say "I know how you feel buddy".


I love these boys! They are awesome!

This Is Only A Test

So I am going to be all over the place today. I wanted to blog about a few things for the past few days but I needed my "verbal Vomit" session with Michal before I did. I wanted to go in with a clear head. I still have everything but that, but I love those sessions, walking into the old building with its old building smell. It never gets old... I take a deep breath as I walk in the door and let out a sigh... sigh of relief, and comfort.

I am working some things out with my mother and in the meantime scrambling for a place to move as school starts next week and by choice I am homeless (not in the full sense but it feels that way) and my kids have no school identified. I am happy with my choice and confident that it will all work out though. Not that I don't want to spend time with my mother and be closer in proximity to the boys father for their sake, but I need "my" place back and to do things the way I am comfortable and enjoy them without criticism. I am a huge independent and sometimes its hard for those who necessarily are not to see that.



I went to the wedding this past Saturday with E and his parents. His cousin was getting married and it was E's mothers side of the family. She has 10 other siblings so the aunt's, uncle's and cousins were numbered greatly, I have not met most of them, but since it was a wedding they embraced me and treated me as if I was a part of their family, and just like any other family... large or small, they had their issues, but all were set aside.
As we arrive the groom and his groomsmen were approaching the church, the groom texting his soon to be bride on his cell phone. She sent him one telling him she loved him so much, awwww. As we sat and awaited for the ceremony to start I opened up the program and the groom had written a poem for his bride and printed it inside. crap, I was screwed...good thing the tissue packets were handed out already.
The wedding went well... I enjoyed myself, E enjoyed himself and aside from him asking the girl in the taco bell drive thru to marry him after he apparently had a little too much wine, I am more secure in knowing that we do fit well together, that we can take our bad days and work with them together, and I don't need to always hide behind the shield I have been holding up. I cant say that the wedding did not make me want that, I will admit that since then I have done some "looking" on bridal websites... I'm not sure what that means for E... as I am not sure if it is more about him or more of the idea of wanting that at some point.


on some cute notes that were just too cute to pass up... my brother and his wife had their 3rd child this past week and their first boy. I love babies so I am going to share a couple photo's of this little guy with his sisters...





Now I am not just being a proud Aunt, but that is pretty darn cute!!!

Sweet and Selfish Chocolate

So as a female just like chocolate there are many things a girl likes and most want.
Chocolate is a little more easy to come by... you go to the store, pick it up, eat it and probably regret the 2nd, 3rd and 4th piece.(I eat the whole thing... why let such a good thing go to waste... I mean you probably had a good reason for buying it)

I purchased chocolate, sour sweets and soda on my lunch break. Now if that doesn't scream a certain time of the month I don't know what does... I guess I'm missing the whole salty craving part of it... but I am sure it will come! LOL =)

Just like chocolate or what ever heavenly craving that can go into our mouths and hips we dream of the fancier things in life. The white picket Fence, the house in the perfect neighborhood for our kids, the husband.... oh, hold up I'm missing that part. And just as odd... I am the one who is withholding that from being a part.

I have heard that when one is madly in love the other usually isn't at that moment. Relationships are so confusing, why do they have to be so all over the place... is there really a black and a white? I would give up color for that!

E told me that he thinks I do better if I believe we are not in a relationship, I wont admit this to him unless he is reading this, but he is probably right (that is the only time though) We do so good if we are friends, we go practically everywhere and do almost everything together, if a bad day is in order he picks up wine and comes over to make sure dinner isn't a hassle, he listens to me gripe on the phone and would do almost anything for me. I do have to bring up that it wasn't always this way and that is probably why I have a hard time making this officially something more!
So my dilemma is this, a few weeks ago he met me after work for a much needed dinner to un~wind, the dinner probably did the opposite for both of us, he grilled me about why I am so stubborn and if we are changing in different directions from each other or not... He is ready to settle down and I now feel like I am just starting an independence streak. More came up and I got to thinking about some of the clues he gave off, whether intentional or not I keyed in on the part where he mentioned he didn't have a lot of money on his credit card. He always pays this off in full every month and he would have just done this, also the grilling about "us" over dinner. So Later that night I sent him a text letting him know I was on to him, I think he thought in a more negative manner because he got defensive fast, but after I told him I thought he was being sneaky about testing me out on the marriage thing to see if he did ask what my potential answer would be. He tried to deny that but asked what I would say if he did. I said probably not. I just am not on this same page as him and a weird side of things is I want him to ask but not right now. I don't want him to ask right now and have me say no, because he made it clear he doesn't want to waste his time and if I say no than there is no 2nd chance of that question coming up again. I don't think I want to completely give up on that, but know for certain I don't want it right now... Confused yet? I know, I am with holding him from potentially going into a relationship with someone else and marrying them and moving on with his life.
I don't know how long I will feel like this, but a part of me feels like because we know each other so well and have been through so much that I would be the only one losing out this time if I let him get away.

Wait this confusing drama gets better.
So just the other night he sends me a text telling me he found something interesting on the Internet and after about 3 days and a lot of harassing he showed it to me. a PHAT ring. And believe this or not ladies I am not that greedy although the ring was more than I would ever purchase for myself I felt like he was missing what I wanted. This is also a contributor to our woes, if he doesn't know what I want than how can we join in marriage for the rest of our lives? The part where it is a ring is not that big of deal to me, it is what it symbolizes that means more. For example my sister has a ring that is flat and has a circle engraved into the top of it. It symbolizes forever/eternity. Even though the ring isn't worth much in monetary value it makes up for in sentiment and personal value and means so much more. I am not going to copy my sister but it is just an example of what I want, I want it to have more meaning than the size of the rock.

I don't know how long E is going to stick around and see if I figure out whether I want this or not. This weekend his cousin is getting married and I am going with him to the wedding. I am anxious to see if this does anything for me... a trigger of 'yes, that's what I want' or a 'no, I am not there'.

Killer Beez

This past weekend I went to a rodeo. My first ever and by the time we had arrived it was pretty much over. But the rodeo wasn't the only thing that was a first for me.
I met and hung out with someone I have despised for 3 plus years. This person has never directly done anything to me, but he was an accomplice, a bad influence and nothing ever came good out of even hearing his name. Where there was drugs or trouble he was there. I used to wait for the part of the story where he came in at, because I knew without fail he was. "Beez" is what his "friends" call him and I parenthesize friends because there is NO way a friend who knew you were trying to stay clean would bring Cocaine around you or tell you about his adventures in high-land. a Friend would support that you were clean and if they couldn't kick it, then they would need to stay away.
I changed a cell phone number 3 times... somehow all 3 times the number reached him. I am not a fool I know it was given to him, I wasn't ever going to rid of the guy. I was the girl who hated the friend for obvious reasons. It was a battle I would lose every time. There would be moments when Beez wasn't around, or at least I was informed he wasn't, in fear of losing what "we" had. But the minute we had signs of a rough spot or complete drama Beez the Best Friend was always there like a blues clues handy dandy notebook. "you got troubles? go get loaded with Beez".

I learned a few weeks ago that he went out with Beez one night and while deep down my trust wasn't strong enough to trust that everything would be okay, nothing happened and everything was okay. So I decided that a meeting of us would need to happen. It was obvious Beez wasn't going away... and I'm still here too!

So I suggested we go to the rodeo... we hang out with Beez. He was shocked and question me several times if I was okay with it, and then he was ecstatic that I was serious. I met Beez, drunk off his ass. He was hitting on girls left and right, throwing popcorn and spilling beer. Not my preferred way of trying to get a better impression of the guy... that is for sure. At first my words were on the harsh side, I maintained rude and "stuck-up" but then it appeared as though he was offended, he walked away and sat in a bit of a childish pouty stature. I watched him for a few minutes to see if he was just playing a stupid drunk or if I had really offended him. I walked over to him and sat next to him.
Our conversation was enlightening for me, he explained that all those times when shit hit the fan with me and E that he was telling E to walk away, to give me the chance to cool down and both of us a chance to think clearly. He was the voice of reason, the friend... this was hard for me to take in, I felt like I was getting fed some serious crap, but I continued to talk with him. He then said something profound, something to me that never clicked before and why would it... I never gave the guy a chance. He told me that I never heard any stories except the ones where they were acting stupid or getting in trouble, he said "think about it, if I was in the hot house, would I take the fall... heck no I would blame E" why would they tell me the times that they didn't get into trouble, its not as interesting to tell someone that stuff.
The guy has dealt with a lot of crap in his life too and he hasn't made the best of choices, but we can all say that about ourselves or someone we love.
Beez and I have hugged and made up. I welcome him to hang with E, they both have my full warning to not mess this up though. They need to stick tight and support each other not hinder each other, after all if they really are good friends to each other they will have each others backs while they work through their struggles.

Migraine

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. the funny thing is (see there it is again) that it really does work and will make you smile.
1.) picture yourself lying on your stomach on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2.) picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3.) Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4.) No one knows your secret place.
5.) You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6.) The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7.) The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.


Last month I almost lost it... I mean went crazy kind of lost it.
The stress of my job and lack of not spending the time I wanted with my kids was a killer for me.
So I went into my boss's office a few days later and was so worked up I cried. (I HATE doing that) But I needed to show and express to him that even though I kick ass at my job, some support would be nice or I will most likely end up quitting. I felt good after that and I have also implemented a strong testament to stop worrying or thinking about work on my weekends and after hours (Kind of hard when I get a call or text from the boss) but I try. See I am the personal assistant and processor to my boss. I tried to move from that roll into a more self sufficient loan officer roll but he wont let go of me (I see this as a compliment of course because he needs me) Since then, I have had co-workers out and I have not only been doing his job, my job, but theirs as well. I'm at the overwhelmed stage again. I work in the home-loan industry and despite the rumors, we are still full steam ahead and I am under water in loans and work.
Just this morning my boss suggested I close my office door to get some work caught up on and make my phone calls and stuff. The funny thing is (there it is again) He is the only one bugging me!! He has called me 3 times and emailed me 4 times in a matter of 10 minutes. What a joke!!!
And my boiling over point this morning was him telling me how to close a loan. I am doing a home loan for a girlfriend of mine. She happens to be buying a newly constructed home from the exact same company (builder) that he is listed as the preferred lender. The thing is she is MY referral and its "my" loan to work on. So he is trying to tell me how I am suppose to process, submit and where to close this loan!! Oh wait, that's my job! I am steaming!!! Just because he is listed as the preferred lender doesn't mean he gets them all. In the end a client can choose who they will work through for financing and since it is my girlfriend she has chosen me. I feel like he is trying to downsize me and that because this builder means everything to him that I might just not be good enough to do this one. Normally I would blow this off... but when this happens more and more than I get frustrated. It is as if my talk with him earlier about needing his support just got filed with the don't give-a-shit stuff.

Okay I had to get that out and when a co-worker sent me the above advise it was totally applying to me today!

Cuteness in a Cage

okay I'm starting this one way off track. Every time I start a new entry I usually start by typing "Isn't it funny" .. no joke, I type that almost every time and I am not sure why. I always end up deleting it and starting over because I quickly read "isn't it funny" and think about what I want to write next and it isn't funny, I don't even type it to say it like "isn't it funny when you snort milk out of your nose?" its more like a "isn't it funny the things we take for advantage". But for that to really stick as an impact statement then it isn't funny. Isn't it funny the silly little habits we have that half of the time we don't even notice?

Sparky and Cutie, that is their names. My first meeting with them was because as a single parent working full time I wanted to feel involved in my children's class at some level. At first my intentions were solely to not look like a flake parent, but I love them, they are family. Sparky and Cutie are gerbil's. Pets to Mrs. Russel's 1st/2nd grade class. Mrs. Russel is an awesome, awesome teacher. Her husband is not a fan of little creatures so come the holidays and breaks through out school Mrs. Russel looks for volunteers to take care of Sparky and Cutie. Our first time volunteering was last summer. I wasn't sure what I was suppose to do with these guys, but just like being a mom for the first time... it comes to you.
Last summer I was sent home with a phone number and a warning. Gerbil life expectancy is not a long one at all, and they could potentially pass away, if that was to happen I would call her and she would go to the pet store with my boys and they would pick out a new sparky and cutie. Well guess what, we still have the original version and now that we are in our 2nd year of bringing them into our home, watching, feeding and playing with them... I am going to be devastated if anything happens to them. I am already dreading that they will be going back to class and wont be there when I come through my front door. Almost every night I go home and open up their cage door, they peek their heads out and I usually dote a treat, they sniff my hand and outside the cage door like it is a different world. They are the cutest little guys ever and have found a place in my heart. I love their personalities.
I went to the pet store last night to pick up more food for my furry friends and left my mom and boys in the car, because I was going to make a quick trip in and out...and while I had a hard time locating the food. I admittingly took a little bit longer because I was looking at the birds, fish and other animals. It would be so fun to have some of those too. I don't want to go crazy with pets in my house, but they are just cool creatures.
If you have a child that is asking for a pet...start small. Gerbils are inexpensive, they really are not difficult to take care of and feed them your empty toilet paper rolls and watch. It is so cute to watch them turn it into bedding!

Always for Today

I'm famous for that... I live for today, worry or only think about what I need to do today, tomorrow or anything far ahead is not my forte... so I guess I carry the mark of a procrastinator too because of that.
One thing I do struggle with though is letting go of past experiences and specifically the negative ones. I know that it is the past that helps mold with the struggles or lessons or even joyous moments we have, but the ugly one's are really hard to get rid of.
So lately I find myself sharing and writing about these things that are personal, but I guess that means that healing is taking place... it is a step of moving forward to be able to accept the past and face off front and center.

"I had a problem with drugs"
"I did it because I was high"
"I don't remember because I was high"
"I didn't think because I was on drugs"
"I got angry because I was on drugs"

I have never done drugs in my life... seriously, not even pot. I'm pretty proud of myself for that too. But it also leaves me with a totally different prospective. I can't say whether someone has control over themselves and their actions when they are high, but I can tell you what affect drugs have on someone around a person that uses them or is high.
It is pretty hard to "get over" or forgive someone who was on drugs that did something terrible to you. While I can sit here and say I have forgiven this person, it's also pretty apparent that I am not over it. Aside from the lies, the missing money, the constant sickness of withdrawals... when I was punched in the side of my head I promised myself to never forget that. And although that bears no physical scar... there is an emotional one. No amount of love or compassion for a person can make you overlook a fault like that. Even though this person is no longer on drugs and the excuse for doing something so inexcusable is because of drugs... Ultimately I see it as a choice. He chose to do drugs.

I still talk to this person. I hang out with him and even adore him. I am watching him be the person I wanted him to be for 3 years. I hear apologies and I hear promises... but it is hard. I struggle every time I talk or hang out with him with a fear that he could go right back to being that guy I knew most.... an addict.

He is in a treatment class, and at first he was there because he had to, and he hated it. I got a different feedback from him yesterday though. I wanted to cry. It truly was amazing to see him change so much and in a positive way.
The most influential person in that class is not the teacher... its another "classmate" who on some level had done the same thing as him. The class is over a year term. So you meet with this same group all the time, you get to hear the same stuff, day-in and day-out... I am sure it is annoying and it gets old.
Up until a month ago he still had comments of resistance about this class. He "didn't learn anything from it" and "didn't care what the other people did".
Then there was Dwayne. Dwayne is homeless. This he knew not only by the apparent appearance of Dwayne but because he saw him around town outside of class walking the streets with his pop-cans. He expressed several times before how he felt bad for the guy and wanted to give him money, but because they were in the same class he was embarrassed. This week Dwayne no longer has to attend the class. He has graduated.
And when someone has completed the course there is something they need to do. It is a statement of accountability. They need to present in front of the rest of these people what actions brought them to that class and what the class and/or other things have helped them over the past year.
Dwayne, is homeless, but he shows up to class every week. Dwayne is homeless but every week is grateful for the things he has. Recently Dwayne was given a small room in someones residence to sleep. He expressed his gratitude for having a mattress and being able to watch TV. What is practically an everyday staple to most is his gratitude.
This experience has brought humility to a person who a year ago didn't give a shit.

To Love and Honor

How about to be Adored... respected...
I have been thru enough in my relationships to know what I want, and lets face it... most women suck at expressing this want in the right way to our husbands, boyfriends and significant others. We have to literally come out and tell them exactly what we want, they don't figure it out with our "helpful hints"... after all they are human and just men (not downsizing men... really, but admit half of the male population if not more falls into that). But coming out and telling you ruins the way we as women want our breath taken away in surprise. There is nothing to go back and share with our girlfriends or co-workers about this awesome person they know and love.
For me and I think the majority of women it doesn't need to cost much, because the thought of having a guy do something for us without being asked or told is HUGE.

I have a co-worker who went on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks with her husband to Italy and Greece. Kick ass jealous am I.
When she returns with her picture's, adorable wardrobe and gorgeous tan.
We all assumed that she was spoiled and adored to the hilt by her husband. They have been married for 10 yrs and the trip alone would make most women envious.
So as I lean in to hear the romantic walk on the beach, dinners, and gondola ride stories I hear a different story, I see her face turning pink and tears forming in the corner of her eyes. She confesses that while the trip was fun and most certainly an amazing memory that it wasn't romantic in the least. I try and fetch more information from her asking her if she realized they have nothing in common by spending that much time together. She deflates that instantly insisting that they have a ton in common, but that the entire trip was like she was with her brother. They got along really great, but there was not a romantic dinner to be had. A fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant in an amazing city yes, but not one I love you. Sex yes, but not love-making.
Just again today She was telling me how much she hates her brother in law, and not that the guy is a jerk or anything, but because he adores her sister to the ends of the earth and she is absolutely jealous that her husband doesn't do that for her, so she has opted to hate the guy for doing exactly what she wants for herself. I suggested she talk to her husband, tell him these things. But she says she cant, she isn't sure it will come out right. Sad, I know.
So as I watch these 2 crumble because one is oblivious to the wants of the other and the other remains silent and miserable, I see something happening in their future that probably should not have ever happened if she would say something and he took her wants into consideration.
I have someone who wants to adore me, respect, love and honor me... I am hesitant to take it though. There was a past already that spelled disaster and now somehow I am suppose to think it will be different.
One never knows what they had until it is gone.