I'm famous for that... I live for today, worry or only think about what I need to do today, tomorrow or anything far ahead is not my forte... so I guess I carry the mark of a procrastinator too because of that.
One thing I do struggle with though is letting go of past experiences and specifically the negative ones. I know that it is the past that helps mold with the struggles or lessons or even joyous moments we have, but the ugly one's are really hard to get rid of.
So lately I find myself sharing and writing about these things that are personal, but I guess that means that healing is taking place... it is a step of moving forward to be able to accept the past and face off front and center.
"I had a problem with drugs"
"I did it because I was high"
"I don't remember because I was high"
"I didn't think because I was on drugs"
"I got angry because I was on drugs"
I have never done drugs in my life... seriously, not even pot. I'm pretty proud of myself for that too. But it also leaves me with a totally different prospective. I can't say whether someone has control over themselves and their actions when they are high, but I can tell you what affect drugs have on someone around a person that uses them or is high.
It is pretty hard to "get over" or forgive someone who was on drugs that did something terrible to you. While I can sit here and say I have forgiven this person, it's also pretty apparent that I am not over it. Aside from the lies, the missing money, the constant sickness of withdrawals... when I was punched in the side of my head I promised myself to never forget that. And although that bears no physical scar... there is an emotional one. No amount of love or compassion for a person can make you overlook a fault like that. Even though this person is no longer on drugs and the excuse for doing something so inexcusable is because of drugs... Ultimately I see it as a choice. He chose to do drugs.
I still talk to this person. I hang out with him and even adore him. I am watching him be the person I wanted him to be for 3 years. I hear apologies and I hear promises... but it is hard. I struggle every time I talk or hang out with him with a fear that he could go right back to being that guy I knew most.... an addict.
He is in a treatment class, and at first he was there because he had to, and he hated it. I got a different feedback from him yesterday though. I wanted to cry. It truly was amazing to see him change so much and in a positive way.
The most influential person in that class is not the teacher... its another "classmate" who on some level had done the same thing as him. The class is over a year term. So you meet with this same group all the time, you get to hear the same stuff, day-in and day-out... I am sure it is annoying and it gets old.
Up until a month ago he still had comments of resistance about this class. He "didn't learn anything from it" and "didn't care what the other people did".
Then there was Dwayne. Dwayne is homeless. This he knew not only by the apparent appearance of Dwayne but because he saw him around town outside of class walking the streets with his pop-cans. He expressed several times before how he felt bad for the guy and wanted to give him money, but because they were in the same class he was embarrassed. This week Dwayne no longer has to attend the class. He has graduated.
And when someone has completed the course there is something they need to do. It is a statement of accountability. They need to present in front of the rest of these people what actions brought them to that class and what the class and/or other things have helped them over the past year.
Dwayne, is homeless, but he shows up to class every week. Dwayne is homeless but every week is grateful for the things he has. Recently Dwayne was given a small room in someones residence to sleep. He expressed his gratitude for having a mattress and being able to watch TV. What is practically an everyday staple to most is his gratitude.
This experience has brought humility to a person who a year ago didn't give a shit.
2013. Phhhhht!
11 years ago
1 comment:
Forgiveness is a process. A long, and hard one. I will never forget what my hubby put me and our kids through. I told him, I may never get "over it", however, we will get "through it" There is a diffrence there. Getting over it means forgetting it--which to me is impossible. Getting through it is talking about it, understanding his and your points of view. It means accepting the answers you are given, even if you cant comprehend them. Someone who is high, does things they would not normally do. It is the addiction. We suffer daily once we are clean, knowing what we have done to those we love. It is a pain that never goes away. All we can do is try to make ammends, and move forward with our own lives and recovery.
This class, sounds wonderful. Sometimes at first, people are resisitant, then someone else shows up, and the light inside our heads goes on. Sounds like that is what is happening to him in there. Accepting who we were, and what we did, it is not easy. But, it sounds like he is turning a corner with that. How wonderful for both of you!! So many people don't get that chance.
Just remember, it is a process. One that can take a long time, as much time as you need. And there will be days you go backwards, but then you move forward again. Work through your feelings, not over them.
My prayers are with you. This task is one that can hurt, it can hurt worse than the brusies that were once there. Hang in there!!
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