Sweet and Selfish Chocolate

So as a female just like chocolate there are many things a girl likes and most want.
Chocolate is a little more easy to come by... you go to the store, pick it up, eat it and probably regret the 2nd, 3rd and 4th piece.(I eat the whole thing... why let such a good thing go to waste... I mean you probably had a good reason for buying it)

I purchased chocolate, sour sweets and soda on my lunch break. Now if that doesn't scream a certain time of the month I don't know what does... I guess I'm missing the whole salty craving part of it... but I am sure it will come! LOL =)

Just like chocolate or what ever heavenly craving that can go into our mouths and hips we dream of the fancier things in life. The white picket Fence, the house in the perfect neighborhood for our kids, the husband.... oh, hold up I'm missing that part. And just as odd... I am the one who is withholding that from being a part.

I have heard that when one is madly in love the other usually isn't at that moment. Relationships are so confusing, why do they have to be so all over the place... is there really a black and a white? I would give up color for that!

E told me that he thinks I do better if I believe we are not in a relationship, I wont admit this to him unless he is reading this, but he is probably right (that is the only time though) We do so good if we are friends, we go practically everywhere and do almost everything together, if a bad day is in order he picks up wine and comes over to make sure dinner isn't a hassle, he listens to me gripe on the phone and would do almost anything for me. I do have to bring up that it wasn't always this way and that is probably why I have a hard time making this officially something more!
So my dilemma is this, a few weeks ago he met me after work for a much needed dinner to un~wind, the dinner probably did the opposite for both of us, he grilled me about why I am so stubborn and if we are changing in different directions from each other or not... He is ready to settle down and I now feel like I am just starting an independence streak. More came up and I got to thinking about some of the clues he gave off, whether intentional or not I keyed in on the part where he mentioned he didn't have a lot of money on his credit card. He always pays this off in full every month and he would have just done this, also the grilling about "us" over dinner. So Later that night I sent him a text letting him know I was on to him, I think he thought in a more negative manner because he got defensive fast, but after I told him I thought he was being sneaky about testing me out on the marriage thing to see if he did ask what my potential answer would be. He tried to deny that but asked what I would say if he did. I said probably not. I just am not on this same page as him and a weird side of things is I want him to ask but not right now. I don't want him to ask right now and have me say no, because he made it clear he doesn't want to waste his time and if I say no than there is no 2nd chance of that question coming up again. I don't think I want to completely give up on that, but know for certain I don't want it right now... Confused yet? I know, I am with holding him from potentially going into a relationship with someone else and marrying them and moving on with his life.
I don't know how long I will feel like this, but a part of me feels like because we know each other so well and have been through so much that I would be the only one losing out this time if I let him get away.

Wait this confusing drama gets better.
So just the other night he sends me a text telling me he found something interesting on the Internet and after about 3 days and a lot of harassing he showed it to me. a PHAT ring. And believe this or not ladies I am not that greedy although the ring was more than I would ever purchase for myself I felt like he was missing what I wanted. This is also a contributor to our woes, if he doesn't know what I want than how can we join in marriage for the rest of our lives? The part where it is a ring is not that big of deal to me, it is what it symbolizes that means more. For example my sister has a ring that is flat and has a circle engraved into the top of it. It symbolizes forever/eternity. Even though the ring isn't worth much in monetary value it makes up for in sentiment and personal value and means so much more. I am not going to copy my sister but it is just an example of what I want, I want it to have more meaning than the size of the rock.

I don't know how long E is going to stick around and see if I figure out whether I want this or not. This weekend his cousin is getting married and I am going with him to the wedding. I am anxious to see if this does anything for me... a trigger of 'yes, that's what I want' or a 'no, I am not there'.