Fell Off the Planet

Well it almost feels that way. I have been so shy on my blog. Silly thing is when you don't have a job, it makes it easy to forget a lot of things a person used to do as a routine. I have grasped my freedom, independence and feeling stress free. Almost too much... I am bored... crazy bored sitting at home, running silly errands. All things I desired a few months ago and all things I DIDN'T have time for before. I'm really not complaining, this boredom has allowed me to search deeper... question myself, what I can do for me that I want to do just because, and my answer... GIVE. Yep, what can I give to others, for free? My Time. It doesn't cost a thing and usually I am the one still left reaping the reward of giving, volunteering and sharing. Wow, that's a great win!

I have started looking for a job, reading classifieds, checking out websites and search engines. I know that a job search can take a few months and I want to be pro-active... not stressed and panic when the money is gone. I wanted to know what was out there, what kind of job I wanted to do. I have the moment to be picky right now and what ever job I choose may be the one I retire on I want to be happy with it... so I found it. Why not get paid to help other people. There are actually quite a few jobs that could fit this. There are your public servant positions and there are your media positions... Getting a job where my nose can be in something I enjoy and where I feel I make a difference. Soooo, no longer doing mortgages... I have also realized that the pay will be less, but I feel my blessings and joys will be more rewarding.

I sent out several resumes and have already had interviews on a few. I wont know until next week the results of those, but now I am conflicted... these positions are looking to be filled sooner than I anticipated. Do I take a job early than planned? I would need to work out day care and what about my volunteer commitments?
Also Katie is going to have puppies in a few weeks and I am a little concerned if she has her puppies when I am not home... you know the "what if something goes wrong" factor....

The boys are leaving for Christmas to Mexico with their dad in 3 weeks and I want to spend the time with them until they go. I have read up on "knock em dead" resumes, cover letters and interviews, but I have found nothing on how to delay a job offer without upsetting the person who has graciously offered it.

Uggh dilemmas and they are not necessarily bad ones.

No rain on my Monday

The weekend was pretty good, but my Monday was so much nicer... it was relaxing and a go with the flow kind of day. I am hoping to be moving by this coming weekend, which means no more hour and a half drives to take the boys to school, no more 120.00 in gas for a week. It's not like I have "precious time" anymore, but it means when the boys are out of school that I can have more time with them, we can get back into game night, dinner together and the routine of "our" home and "our" family.

I dropped the kids off this morning to school, we left fairly early because Monday traffic is either awesome or awful and I don't like to gamble, so we were doing great on time and no rushing necessary (which is such a mood killer for us all). I dropped the little guys off and headed back for my 45 min trip home (traffic is lighter on the trip home). I contemplated going for a run because the temperature is nice and it isn't dumping cats and dogs. I check emails, stuffed a load of laundry and my mom had a few simple projects I could do to help her out with for her classroom. I got started on those when I got a phone call from school. Cris was coughing and his eye hurt? "I think he just wants to go home" the school secretary said. I agreed with her, but he is in 2nd grade, he is a super star student and its Monday... we all need a day off just because. So I obliged to pick him up and off I go for another 45 minute drive back to the school. No run and no shower. I also didn't have it in me to go all the way back home to not only waste gas, but feel like I would be turning right back around to pick up Kace. So I evaluated Cris, game him a small dose of cough medicine I brought with me and we dorked around a shopping center, Cris played on the play structured we went to the book store and the computer store, we bought a few small things and didn't forget to get Kace a surprise treat too. It was nice. I got to sit at the play area like the other moms who are privileged to do that. I got to relax and chill and I got to spend time alone with Cris. I enjoy being able to get in individual time with each of the boys.

I have enjoyed my 2 weeks off so far, I have been searching different industries where I can take some of my related employment skills and do something new. Michal gave me homework... What I really want to be when I grow up, my words not his, but same idea. I went into the military and training for Military Police. I always wanted to be a cop, dated a few, watch it religiously on T.V., but it doesn't feel practical anymore. I am cresting 30. I have 2 boys. But it doesn't mean I can't get into something closely related. So I ponder everyday and check out every website related to job listings. I search EVERY category and read the job descriptions, waiting for a hint of excitement in me... wondering what I could do as job that would fulfill my needs and wants. I don't want to get stuck in a job just for the pay and I want to be realistic with my desires too.

Sharing...not just giving but understanding

I remember almost 4 years ago I was sitting in an apartment I could barely afford, newly divorced and no sign of child support money, barely making 9 bucks an hour...a far cry from the income I was used to and not very well trained on priorities as you will discover reading on.
The apartment was clean... sparkling clean. I couldn't afford to go anywhere or do anything, the boys were with their father and I had vacuumed the floor 2 times already, went for a run and drank my breakfast... the proof was in my weight (or lack of) and under my sink... stuffed full with empty beer bottles and not cheap beer, my favorite beer which was 8$ for a six pack. I rationalized every time I bought it that I could get the 5 cent deposit I had just put down on each and everyone bottle to buy groceries with, next time when I recycled them. I always had my kids taken care of, but in my heart I knew I couldn't do it, I felt horrible...depressed... anxious... desperate and broke. I didn't want to look like a failure, like I NEEDED anyone as I was so adamant on proving them wrong. No one had said anything to my face, they didn't need to I had decided they felt this way and nothing was changing my thought. I scrounged change in my car and around the house to buy gas and the majority of my paychecks went to barely making the rent payment, daycare and groceries. My first thanksgiving I wrote a bad check, one I knew I couldn't pay just to put a meal on the table for me and the boys. I have never felt lower... waiting for a 72 hour notice to be posted on my door because I couldn't afford all the rent out of one check. I was on the verge of losing it all...

The purpose of me sharing this is that we are all human and most have gone through some type of struggle in their life... "character building" as some would put it. We all need a little helping hand... I suck at posting a link to anything but if you click on the right hand side of my blog under "pages I enjoy" and click on the top one, "behind pinned eyes" another blog I read you will discover it, the post is called "Times of Trouble". Read it, if your feeling the need to help, than please do, if you don't I understand. it is a chance for those of us who have a little to give a little. I don't ever want to be in the position I was 4 years ago and it pains me to hear of others struggling, it seems so unfair sometimes.

The First Of Many

My first "work" day, first Monday without the routine of work.... It wasn't like it was just a vacation day, because I received ZERO phone calls that were work related or from my boss. Weird, yet ever so enjoyable. I got done SOOOO much of my little tasks... simple things I could just never find the time to do. I only have health benefits for myself until the end of the month so I filled a 3 month supply of prescriptions and have a "routine" dental appt on Wednesday so that if anything cant wait I can address it before it gets more costly. (I know there is back up insurance, but that is expensive)
I took Katie to get a haircut and got my nails done... tomorrow I get my hair done. (I know its really important stuff eh?) But I did some important stuff, got my oil changed and my brakes fixed. The brakes made this horrible screeeeeech sound and not even when I was braking... when I was backing up, driving forward... pretty much just in movement. I don't know a lot about cars, fixing cars, parts of cars but I do know it is a tale tell sign that it is the brakes and probably wasn't too bad because it is a fairly new car with only 25 thousand miles, but I was always driving in stop and go traffic not to mention the noise is embarrassing.
What is even more embarrassing is that I got ripped off. I am admitting that I don't know a lot about cars, I know how to shop... clothes, shoes, toys, groceries... but car stuff is not my thing. It cost me $300.00 to get my brakes fixed. the pads have a lifetime warranty the guy told me.... he didn't have to I was sold on fixing the noise I wasn't knowledgeable enough to know that was an outrageous price. So I send a text to E... my text read this.. "it is going to cost 300 to fix the brakes... yikes! I guess my car will be good for a while though". He called me SO fast. He was flipping out and when he was done flipping out on me for being so naive he called the shop and flipped out on them... telling them they flat out knew they were taking advantage of me. Of course by then it was too late for them, they were pretty much done. So now E has asked that I call him from now on before hand and run the price by him so he can tell me if it is good or not. The best part is when I went in to pay, the guy who told me it was $300.00 had his supervisor standing over him the whole time as if I was going to continue razzing him as E had. Geeze people. You already did the work and pretty much had the money how is razzing you going to do any good? besides I was now officially more embarrassed for being sold like that. arrggghhh.

Mixed Up Friday

So Friday comes... mixed feelings and relief totally take over. I am feeling a little bad about the work that needs to be done, but I wont be the one working on it come Monday and that fact needs to remain in my head. It isn't my job to do anymore. I am officially unemployed and happy. Utterly happy. I am almost anxious about what to do with all my new found time. I am sure stuff will come up and fill it quickly though. I have lived and survived off of stress and go, go, go for so long that it is definitely harder to accept this slower pace as easily as I want it.

The morning went fast I was just waiting for the papers to sign and bail. It finally came, my turn to go into my bosses office (who still hasn't said much to me) I go in with a bit of a bitter ending grudge and then out comes a little blue box from behind his desk. Ladies, you all know what that is. TIFFANY'S! Holy Crap! there is something really nice in that box! I read the small card and it expressed how much he was going to miss me and to not lose touch. I started to cry.. he urges me to read the card later and open the box. So I open it. A ring I have been wanting for so long! A co-worker of mine must have told him. I couldn't fricken believe it... of course it wasn't a thousand dollars, but I wasn't expecting ANYTHING and I got Tiffany's? In all the years we have worked together successfully he chose our parting as a way to really express that (that is why I cried) why do men chose the parting part to be or do things that potentially make you change your mind?!!

So here is a pic of the ring. I love simple rings. This is a perfect ring for me.. I am so exited and love it!!!!

On and On and On and On and On

that's how my days are going. I am suffering from a severe head cold. I know it sounds wussy, but this is annoying. I cant talk without sounding like I just got done smoking an entire pack of cigarettes, I cant breath, and I sniff in everyone's ear that is around me. gross and annoying.
It is my last few days of being a workaholic, so I am suffering through it so my boss doesn't think I am checked out already. I am working to the end. I don't like how things went down, but I am glad I made the decision I did, and I truly believe this head cold is my stress leaving my body. Mentally I feel great. I haven't had a break in so long, I haven't been really enjoying myself for so long and I get to do that now!
So tomorrow is the last full day...Friday we show up to pretty much get a check.
I already started my list of things I want to do almost immediately. I got to get cranking big time on my team for the Diabetes Walk this year... I will have a post on that later, and I am going to share some cool shit about the state I live in with you guys ...for free. I am talking cool. No cheesy crap. I spent over a hundred dollars to make up some cool packages.. I just need to take a pic, promote and find a fun way to hand them out to the people reading my blah blog =) So how is that for Bribery? ~ It works pretty good on my kids =)

Grow Up

I thought I would never say that to the guy who has helped make me money, but OMG.
I hadn't told my boss that I wasn't going to transfer to the other office (out of state)I had been thinking about it and pondering it for about a week... I finally decided that I was indeed going to take the severance and not go to the other office. I don't have a permanent residence as of yet, my kids are going to school in a school district that I have to drive them to everyday. Things on my personal side just feel "chaotic" to me....add in the changes here at work and I am out of my mind.
I am going to take a few weeks... month off.. than I will look to fill my bank account back up again, but I am burnt out and need this break... to get my shit together to where I feel I can function in a good manner.

So I told "wish" (that is what I call my boss) that I was not going to the other location with him. He was short and curt in his responses, as if he already knew from someone else... he was pissed. I want to say this is his defense mechanism, but I think it is caddy and childish to act this way... we are on day 2 of me telling him and he hasn't said anything to me, he will converse with the other people in the office and talk to them...said good morning and all but I got nothing! He has to walk by my office to go to his, I always leave my door open. Even when I went into his office to discuss a scenario of a client it took him literally 1 full minute to acknowledge me and he was short and matter of factly.
God, grow up... we have worked together for 5 years, we are a team, every time someone talks to me... they bring "wish" up in the conversation ... people inquire about him because they know we work so well together.
I know he is hurt and I didn't give him a lot of notice, but that part came hard to do when they didn't give us a lot of notice about closing this office. I did it in person... I imagined it being a good heart to heart, I imagined him fighting just a little bit for me to stay... even though I could be replaced it is hard to find someone you work well with. I imagined him understanding and offering his help in anyway to help me feel more confident about this.
I got nothing.
Truth be told the minute I told him and walked out of his office yesterday I felt a huge relief, I felt really good and half my stress was gone in an instant. I also felt the conversation could have gone better and I wanted to tell (explain) to him more, but he was so short and didn't ask anything... all night I thought about how today would go, if he would talk to me...what I would say that would help clarify yesterdays events. I guess I know now how that is working out for him.
Regardless, I feel good about my decision and sticking to it, but I just think we could work together for the next week like nothing has changed.... make it worth our while and really go down in a good way. It only makes me want to take the last week as sick or vacation pay.... such crap.

Clear My Head

So Saturday we took off to the beach, it was calling me. For me the beach means stress free. You can never take stress to the beach, the waves call for you the clear sky, the warm sand in between your toes, its a solace... Peaceful, relaxing... if I could bottle it up I would.

My Saturday didn't start that way. I met some of my family for breakfast at McDonald's.. it was really the only place to enjoy a breakfast type meal with 9 kids. It was nice to sit around and visit for a short while though. We up and left there and sat around back at the house, thinking of something to do. all the time the "beach" scenario replaying in my head, but I had checked weather and it was only going to be in the high 60's... The beach is cool regardless, but I had missed out on the best warm days of enjoying it and for that I was bummed.
We sat for over an hour, the boys playing the Wii, E was sitting on the couch as I was at the computer googling weekend fun for us.
I remember a phone conversation with a girlfriend of mine the day before she just went to a certain beach and loved it... highly recommended it. I have never been there and it was almost 5 hours away...for a Saturday to Sunday trip that was a lot of effort. But hey, I am about spontaneity. I called up the first decent looking hotel that allowed dogs and was packed in 10 minutes. We were out the door and on the road.
Then just like I said before life smacked us down... it could have been worse.. trust me.
E was driving 70 in a 55 we were crossing the bridge from Washington State into Oregon, who knew they were doing a radar set up that day. So we ended up on the side of the road with a cop behind us... I have a theory about motorcycle cops and I am not bashing the cop as a person but their job. Motorcycle cops are solely for traffic issues, so my theory is...when you get pulled over by one... you can guarantee the ticket. Recent events of the last few years have not lead to good experiences with the me and E and the cops. I went into a deep panic, trying to play it cool for the sake of my kids in the back seat. E isn't suppose to be in Washington per his probation without consent of his PO. Washington is seriously a matter of crossing a bridge, so he quickly told me to agree that we got turned around and we were headed to a certain furniture store. It was my car he was driving... that is panic reason number 2. E is also suppose to carry a letter from his PO's office saying we can be around each other. Oh God I was freaking.. we barely went 10 miles and my weekend of stress free flew out the window so fricken fast. The cop was back at the window like lightening. He had his license and a small white paper in one hand the other on the door of the car. He said "I don't want to ruin your furniture store trip but.. .(OMG my heart dropped) next time be more conscious of your speed limit. He hands E back his license and a written warning. holy crap! that is it?! He didn't ask for registration or anything... I am not even sure he had enough time to pull up E in the system. This is the first time he has been pulled over and not harassed. You can bet for the rest of the 5 hour drive I was on him about his speed though. damn I so needed to get out of town now and just forget about shit.

Back on the road.... its a long drive. We listen to the radio station until it fades, we all talk about absolutely nothing, we point out the scenery and animals in the fields to the boys... E points to one field and asks "hey guys what kind of animal is that?" they both look, Kace replies "sheep!" and Cris looks a little longer and replies with a cute glee of excitement "COOOOWWWS" we all laughed and for the rest of the trip we saw no cows, but we saw COOOOWWWS... the cute part was that they were all sheep.

We finally make it into Bandon, OR... only a couple more hours away from California. We are exhausted and hungry... the Hotel has a restaurant so we eat there and E gets hammered! After dinner we go back to our room and decide that an after dinner swim was appropriate (sober-up session for E). As we are getting ready E's mom (who checks on him frequently) sends him a text asking him if he is still alive, I reply letting her know we took off to Bandon. Bandon? she replied insinuating we were out of our minds, E takes the phone and sends a message back to her that reads... "we are returning the Mexicans (my boys) this is just a pit stop".... good thing he was drunk or I would lay into him... I know he meant no harm.

The next morning we are up bright and early, grab breakfast at the cute town cafe and head to a wildlife safari just out of the town. This is me and a cute baby opossum... I am glowing as I hold this little one and not sure why... its an opossum... but still cute right??? (for those of you who have read my previous post this is the picture where I feel I have a pregnant look...uggghh)



after the wildlife park we went to the beach...because you cant go to the beach without going to the actual beach part of it. Here is another picture of me, Kace and Cris... we walked out on the jetty that divided the river and the Ocean it joined. See the waves splashing up in the distance? Awesome I tell ya... how can you not find a place like that relaxing?!!!



It all fades too quickly though. Good thing I have pictures I guess.

That's Not What I Ordered!...

Have you ever read a menu and thought about how delicious an entree sounded? Yeah, me too. Then it comes out for its grand presentation of delight for your mouth, belly and all together mood and then it looks blah! Totally not what you were expecting?

Well aside from food, considering my recent loss of appetite of my apparent situation and the fact that I saw myself in a picture and feel like I have a pregnant pooch (not having that!!!) I feel this way about my life, the way things are turning out.
I have this little mantra taped to my computer screen "Daily Decisions Decide Destiny" - see this backs up my whole live for today theory.... but then stabs it with the whole this could fuck up the rest of the life part your not thinking about! uggghh, I hate trying to rationalize, to figure things out... making pieces fit into one puzzle that came from another just to complete the picture.

I really hope this just doesn't sound like rambling BS... I am just trying to go thru my head like a girl digging in a clothes pile for her favorite shirt that she just has to wear today. I know it is inside me somewhere.. the answers I need, to figure out my current situation.

So I have a job, but I am bowing out of it. I have sat on this all week. I need the time to get me back together, spend the time with my boys I have been craving, volunteer in their classes, take the written test for the DMV for the state I actually live in, not the one I pretend to live in, organize the garage, plant flowers... you know just do "me" stuff. Live and enjoy it, I don't want to keep looking back every day and think about how I should have just taken the day off and done this or that. I have decided that I want to take the little severance package and be stress free.

I haven't told my boss yet. I want to do it face to face. He hasn't been in the office, but he will be tomorrow and I am totally freaking out. I have quit twice... you hear me? that is 2 times I have gotten new jobs lined up and quit on this guy and well you see... I still work for him. "Money Talks" he would say... I would agree. I even got an award. It seriously reads "Couldn't stay away award" Fucked up huh! But right next to that award is one for "Hardest Worker"... that's because this girl worked her ass off to be 100% burnt out.

I love my job, I love what I do... I just need a break. I just need my boy's... my family.

So back to the food that I ordered that doesn't look like anything I imagined.
What if me leaving with the rest of my work crew is not in the best interest? What if I would regret this decision? I have headaches, an unbelievable stress level and crappy sleep at night. What if I am making the wrong "daily decision" on this?

Friday I sat in Michal's office... god I cant say enough how much I love that place.. the smell in itself is therapeutic for me. I told him about my job that I still had. He asked me what I was doing for the weekend. I told him I was looking for a place to live...duh? But that the back of my head kept telling me ...beach, beach, beach. He told me to go to the beach.... I did and to one that was almost the farthest away. Had a blast. Enjoyed the time with E and the boys... I know I still need to look for a place but hard to do when so many other factors are up in the air. and just like me telling Michal that the beach was calling me... the same goes for me not transferring my job to the other location. It just doesn't sit well with my situation and the things I desire and have going on. I guess my gut is telling me the right, but my brain is still trying to pump me full of common sense.

I wanted to share the short but fun beach trip with photo's and all but my camera downloading skills are very dysfunctional. So as soon as I figure that out I still want to share!

Thanks for reading my "verbal vomit" and being there!

Drum Roll Please...

The Hammer has come down. I am safe. Do I feel safe?
It is weird how things went down... I found out by error. I confronted my boss and discussed with him disclosing the truth early, we are a small group, we are family, we deserve the opportunity of hearing it from him...and all the facts not the rumors and gossip, and not from the guy in a tailored suit from a stuffy office in the downtown building who cant even pronounce my last name for F Sake.
So he did it. He was professional and honest, I am proud of him for that. It could have been a "every man for himself" scenario, but he did what he needed to do. After the group announcement he went into each individual office and spoke with us all individually...answered questions, offered up tissues and alcohol. Classy man for that... I am sure his wife was urging him to take this road as well... we women are smart... Men should really listen more.
We all know this location is finished. Some will move to the other location, some will go on to other places. Things happen for a reason...and I am not just saying that because I still have a place of employment...secretly I was wanting to be done, take my severance, ride the unemployment train and spend the so desperately wanted time with my boys... truth be told I am not sure how much longer the other office will hold up so this just buys me time.

I have come to work for the past 5 years and seen a lot of the same faces, shared stories, vacation pictures, nights out with these people and all of a sudden it is suppose to be "nice ride...see ya on the flip side" ? Crazy.

I go to see Michal shortly, my boss offered up to continue drinks after work.. I turned him down... a good verbal vomit session was more appealing and needed.

What Will Tomorrow Bring

I have this thing... I have mentioned it before. I Procrastinate. I love being a self proclaimed procrastinator... its what works for me... I don't want to live knowing everything my life will or should bring. Spontaneity is so much more fun and I feel like life is really fulfilling a need for me to just do... I am a reactor I am not proactive... I mean really how much fun can it be to foresee the stress and BS of life.... but when some things don't follow its norm of predictability it really messes with me.
Actually there is only one thing that can be predictable... and that is that I drink! I love to drink and listen to my music... lyrics to a song have so much meaning. I know this doesn't sound good, sober or drunk... But I can really think things over when I have had a few drinks. I think it is partly that my mind doesn't care to think about the other things that have been bogging me down.

So here is a clue to my half way secret. I get into work this morning to find out I am not the only one who knows... We are a small group, we are tight (or so I thought)Everyone in my office knows and the rumors and gossip are on a roll, and I don't know the truth or the side to believe. My boss's boss made a human error by putting a meeting on my boss's calender (the same fricken calender I manage) the appt was specific about the future of my office and the jobs of my co-workers. I have been assured my job is cool, but I had to confront my boss about this, so what is a guy to do when he is on the spot...guy's lie. Period.
While part of me wants to say I gave up my yearly vacations and take my sick children to work with me for the sake of getting work done should speak loudly and save grace... I don't think it meant shit. I am pissed and bitter that I could have said "screw my job" and spent the time I have been dying to have with my kids.
BUT and that is the same "but" that carries a small dilemma of conscious with it... But what if my job is secure? What do I do? Do I still take the time off, follow my predictable spontaneous, procrastinating side and make up for my vacations and take the time off (The same time I have will be the only impression to not only my boss but his boss to save my ass?) and for what?... for it all to end up the same way in the end... maybe no job?
I wont know until next week and frankly I am not concerned about future employment because I have a strong enough faith in a higher power that things happen for a reason and that I kick ass at my job... people would be stupid NOT to hire me. But this is a strong area of predictability for me that does not sit well with me. I have a half truth sitting in my head.... what to do... what to do?

I am not quite homeless and not quite jobless, but in a matter of days this all could change. WOW... Life sure does hit ya like a ton of bricks...and I wouldn't even know about the job part if it wasn't for a human error.

There is a Fly in my Vodka

So I swept my finger in and flicked it out.
I needed a screw driver.

It was all I had, I opened the fridge, milk... Apple Juice... Orange juice. OJ it is. And since I'm mixing I can make it as strong as I want.

Just after I posted about my stress level and I think it can't possibly get worse... it does. I got kicked while I was already down. I can't go into details just yet, because I know something no one else knows and only by complete human error do I know this. I confronted a person about this matter and I was looking for a small glimmer of hope. I got it, but I don't feel like I got it, its like having the answers to the test without knowing what the test questions are going to be.
crazy.

Funny thing happens when life comes at you faster than the speed limit. We, as natural human beings turn into fighters, we fight stronger... But why does it take shit hitting the fan to make that happen??

Stressed? Who Me?

Remember these guys, the sidekicks to the villain Ursula in the Little Mermaid. Flotsam and Jetsam. That's me. In appearance anyways. I have this thing when I get stressed. Its a weird thing but it is a tale tell sign of what is going on in my world. no hiding the fact that I stress.
You see when ever I stress, out of no where....seriously no where, one of my eyes.. (typically my right) but it doesn't matter and it is always only one, one of my eyes gets blood shot red. I joke that I look like the eels Flotsam and Jetsam.(if you remember correctly or have recently seen the movie for the gazillionth time, they have one glowing eye... just one... just like me)

I could give a laundry list of things that are stressing me out, and I am not sure at what level my stress needs to be to carry my wonderful one eyed eel trait. It is self diagnosed as a stress issue because when my stress level is killing me that is when my eye is at its brightest red. I have been to the doctors and had eye tests and there are no apparent problems.. it doesn't hurt, itch and has never been contagious. It is solely an appearance issue. I wonder sometimes what complete strangers think when they see me, or if I was to get pulled over if a cop would assume something else. Unloading my stress at my verbal vomit sessions seem to help, but resolution to the things stressing me out would be nice too.

I am in the middle of looking for a place to move. I am being a bit on the picky side. I don't want to live in an apartment anymore. I see a ton of homes listed for rent, but they are either not immediately available, don't take pets, are WAY to much money to justify it as a rent payment or too much of a commute.
So in the meantime I drive the boys to school in the morning, pick them up in the middle of my work day and bring them back to the office with me. I don't think I can get away with that for the entire school year, not to mention I don't want to be doing that. I feel homeless... I have a place to sleep but it isn't my house.
Home is security, it is peace even when it is chaotic. I have taken for granted the space a place of my own gives me.
Right now I am so uprooted.. I miss a good home cooked meal, chilling on the couch and watching a movie, vacuuming my living room floor every time the vacuum lines get messed up.

Make an Impact!

I'm going to be demanding and show my High maintenance, persistent side.
I want to make an impact... If anyone is reading this help a girl out eh?
So I came across a page of a girl (lady) named Tracey... Tracey is just like you, me and who ever else. She is participating in the race for a cure. She has a small goal in my opinion ($300.00) and I thought gosh that cant be hard to get. She is already at a $100 and how cool would it be to help a complete stranger meet or exceed that with something that has a personal meaning to them. You see Tracey's friend and neighbor is battling cancer. While mine personal impact remains with Diabetes I am so willing to help out those who take action in things that have a deep personal meaning. So all I need you to do is visit her page... Donate a small amount, show some love from around the states, world! I know you guys have it in you!!!

Spread the love!!


I tried to link it in the cool way but I'm not THAT good!
try this
https://www.traceygrumbach.blogspot.com

Sorry in advance for retardedness about linking!!

It Never Gets Old

That's Cris... Katie looks real amused by his presence... poor girl.

My boys are such great kids and I love the humor they bring.
I wanted to list a few funnies or little quirks that they do.

* I was having a conversation with the boys after picking them up from their fathers. they had visited with one of their aunts and cousins so I inquired as to how they were doing and if their cousin chantel still had a lot of hair (she has always had thick gorgeous hair) Cris tells me it is short and I told him I didn't mean long when I said a lot. he replies and I swear these are his words. "Let me put it to you this way, she looks just like Dora, The hair and everything" hahaha, it was so cute! The best part is she kinda does, I just never associated that.

* The boys have this thing with tunnels, they scream, not an absolute loud one, more of a humming loud with your mouth wide open type. Sometimes it catches me off guard because if we are just driving and conversing it just happens and I am so unaware, but EVERY time they do it without fail. And I can never get mad or irritated, its almost contagious but I just laugh. The best part is if anyone is in the car with us they look over at me like "what the hell is going on".
We have a tunnel Choir!

* Jinx!!! I remember this game, but now the stakes have raised to soda's and things, you don't just jinx someone and the other person has to be quiet for a certain amount of time or until someone else says their name. So the other day they were telling me about something and they both said the same thing at the same time. Kace said Jinx and started counting..Cris quickly screams stop! I think Kace's quick counting got Cris owing Kace 8 Soda's...seeing as how I am not big on drinking soda (absolutely no value to it) I don't know how they plan on working that out, but it happened so fast. I would've owed a 100 or something before I figured out why he was counting.

* I just met the boys father in a parking lot to send them off with him for the weekend. As we both pulled out of the parking lot I ended up behind them. Cris turns around in his seat and starts giving me that little motion where you take two fingers and motion them from your eyes and point to the other person, meaning that you are watching them. Typically this is seen in movies. Well this little guy does this to me! Too cute. It was spontaneous and humorous. How do kids think of these things so quickly!

* Kace has a thing he does where if your talking it doesn't have to be about something specific he will come up behind you, put his arm around you and say "I know how you feel buddy".


I love these boys! They are awesome!

This Is Only A Test

So I am going to be all over the place today. I wanted to blog about a few things for the past few days but I needed my "verbal Vomit" session with Michal before I did. I wanted to go in with a clear head. I still have everything but that, but I love those sessions, walking into the old building with its old building smell. It never gets old... I take a deep breath as I walk in the door and let out a sigh... sigh of relief, and comfort.

I am working some things out with my mother and in the meantime scrambling for a place to move as school starts next week and by choice I am homeless (not in the full sense but it feels that way) and my kids have no school identified. I am happy with my choice and confident that it will all work out though. Not that I don't want to spend time with my mother and be closer in proximity to the boys father for their sake, but I need "my" place back and to do things the way I am comfortable and enjoy them without criticism. I am a huge independent and sometimes its hard for those who necessarily are not to see that.



I went to the wedding this past Saturday with E and his parents. His cousin was getting married and it was E's mothers side of the family. She has 10 other siblings so the aunt's, uncle's and cousins were numbered greatly, I have not met most of them, but since it was a wedding they embraced me and treated me as if I was a part of their family, and just like any other family... large or small, they had their issues, but all were set aside.
As we arrive the groom and his groomsmen were approaching the church, the groom texting his soon to be bride on his cell phone. She sent him one telling him she loved him so much, awwww. As we sat and awaited for the ceremony to start I opened up the program and the groom had written a poem for his bride and printed it inside. crap, I was screwed...good thing the tissue packets were handed out already.
The wedding went well... I enjoyed myself, E enjoyed himself and aside from him asking the girl in the taco bell drive thru to marry him after he apparently had a little too much wine, I am more secure in knowing that we do fit well together, that we can take our bad days and work with them together, and I don't need to always hide behind the shield I have been holding up. I cant say that the wedding did not make me want that, I will admit that since then I have done some "looking" on bridal websites... I'm not sure what that means for E... as I am not sure if it is more about him or more of the idea of wanting that at some point.


on some cute notes that were just too cute to pass up... my brother and his wife had their 3rd child this past week and their first boy. I love babies so I am going to share a couple photo's of this little guy with his sisters...





Now I am not just being a proud Aunt, but that is pretty darn cute!!!

Sweet and Selfish Chocolate

So as a female just like chocolate there are many things a girl likes and most want.
Chocolate is a little more easy to come by... you go to the store, pick it up, eat it and probably regret the 2nd, 3rd and 4th piece.(I eat the whole thing... why let such a good thing go to waste... I mean you probably had a good reason for buying it)

I purchased chocolate, sour sweets and soda on my lunch break. Now if that doesn't scream a certain time of the month I don't know what does... I guess I'm missing the whole salty craving part of it... but I am sure it will come! LOL =)

Just like chocolate or what ever heavenly craving that can go into our mouths and hips we dream of the fancier things in life. The white picket Fence, the house in the perfect neighborhood for our kids, the husband.... oh, hold up I'm missing that part. And just as odd... I am the one who is withholding that from being a part.

I have heard that when one is madly in love the other usually isn't at that moment. Relationships are so confusing, why do they have to be so all over the place... is there really a black and a white? I would give up color for that!

E told me that he thinks I do better if I believe we are not in a relationship, I wont admit this to him unless he is reading this, but he is probably right (that is the only time though) We do so good if we are friends, we go practically everywhere and do almost everything together, if a bad day is in order he picks up wine and comes over to make sure dinner isn't a hassle, he listens to me gripe on the phone and would do almost anything for me. I do have to bring up that it wasn't always this way and that is probably why I have a hard time making this officially something more!
So my dilemma is this, a few weeks ago he met me after work for a much needed dinner to un~wind, the dinner probably did the opposite for both of us, he grilled me about why I am so stubborn and if we are changing in different directions from each other or not... He is ready to settle down and I now feel like I am just starting an independence streak. More came up and I got to thinking about some of the clues he gave off, whether intentional or not I keyed in on the part where he mentioned he didn't have a lot of money on his credit card. He always pays this off in full every month and he would have just done this, also the grilling about "us" over dinner. So Later that night I sent him a text letting him know I was on to him, I think he thought in a more negative manner because he got defensive fast, but after I told him I thought he was being sneaky about testing me out on the marriage thing to see if he did ask what my potential answer would be. He tried to deny that but asked what I would say if he did. I said probably not. I just am not on this same page as him and a weird side of things is I want him to ask but not right now. I don't want him to ask right now and have me say no, because he made it clear he doesn't want to waste his time and if I say no than there is no 2nd chance of that question coming up again. I don't think I want to completely give up on that, but know for certain I don't want it right now... Confused yet? I know, I am with holding him from potentially going into a relationship with someone else and marrying them and moving on with his life.
I don't know how long I will feel like this, but a part of me feels like because we know each other so well and have been through so much that I would be the only one losing out this time if I let him get away.

Wait this confusing drama gets better.
So just the other night he sends me a text telling me he found something interesting on the Internet and after about 3 days and a lot of harassing he showed it to me. a PHAT ring. And believe this or not ladies I am not that greedy although the ring was more than I would ever purchase for myself I felt like he was missing what I wanted. This is also a contributor to our woes, if he doesn't know what I want than how can we join in marriage for the rest of our lives? The part where it is a ring is not that big of deal to me, it is what it symbolizes that means more. For example my sister has a ring that is flat and has a circle engraved into the top of it. It symbolizes forever/eternity. Even though the ring isn't worth much in monetary value it makes up for in sentiment and personal value and means so much more. I am not going to copy my sister but it is just an example of what I want, I want it to have more meaning than the size of the rock.

I don't know how long E is going to stick around and see if I figure out whether I want this or not. This weekend his cousin is getting married and I am going with him to the wedding. I am anxious to see if this does anything for me... a trigger of 'yes, that's what I want' or a 'no, I am not there'.

Killer Beez

This past weekend I went to a rodeo. My first ever and by the time we had arrived it was pretty much over. But the rodeo wasn't the only thing that was a first for me.
I met and hung out with someone I have despised for 3 plus years. This person has never directly done anything to me, but he was an accomplice, a bad influence and nothing ever came good out of even hearing his name. Where there was drugs or trouble he was there. I used to wait for the part of the story where he came in at, because I knew without fail he was. "Beez" is what his "friends" call him and I parenthesize friends because there is NO way a friend who knew you were trying to stay clean would bring Cocaine around you or tell you about his adventures in high-land. a Friend would support that you were clean and if they couldn't kick it, then they would need to stay away.
I changed a cell phone number 3 times... somehow all 3 times the number reached him. I am not a fool I know it was given to him, I wasn't ever going to rid of the guy. I was the girl who hated the friend for obvious reasons. It was a battle I would lose every time. There would be moments when Beez wasn't around, or at least I was informed he wasn't, in fear of losing what "we" had. But the minute we had signs of a rough spot or complete drama Beez the Best Friend was always there like a blues clues handy dandy notebook. "you got troubles? go get loaded with Beez".

I learned a few weeks ago that he went out with Beez one night and while deep down my trust wasn't strong enough to trust that everything would be okay, nothing happened and everything was okay. So I decided that a meeting of us would need to happen. It was obvious Beez wasn't going away... and I'm still here too!

So I suggested we go to the rodeo... we hang out with Beez. He was shocked and question me several times if I was okay with it, and then he was ecstatic that I was serious. I met Beez, drunk off his ass. He was hitting on girls left and right, throwing popcorn and spilling beer. Not my preferred way of trying to get a better impression of the guy... that is for sure. At first my words were on the harsh side, I maintained rude and "stuck-up" but then it appeared as though he was offended, he walked away and sat in a bit of a childish pouty stature. I watched him for a few minutes to see if he was just playing a stupid drunk or if I had really offended him. I walked over to him and sat next to him.
Our conversation was enlightening for me, he explained that all those times when shit hit the fan with me and E that he was telling E to walk away, to give me the chance to cool down and both of us a chance to think clearly. He was the voice of reason, the friend... this was hard for me to take in, I felt like I was getting fed some serious crap, but I continued to talk with him. He then said something profound, something to me that never clicked before and why would it... I never gave the guy a chance. He told me that I never heard any stories except the ones where they were acting stupid or getting in trouble, he said "think about it, if I was in the hot house, would I take the fall... heck no I would blame E" why would they tell me the times that they didn't get into trouble, its not as interesting to tell someone that stuff.
The guy has dealt with a lot of crap in his life too and he hasn't made the best of choices, but we can all say that about ourselves or someone we love.
Beez and I have hugged and made up. I welcome him to hang with E, they both have my full warning to not mess this up though. They need to stick tight and support each other not hinder each other, after all if they really are good friends to each other they will have each others backs while they work through their struggles.

Migraine

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. the funny thing is (see there it is again) that it really does work and will make you smile.
1.) picture yourself lying on your stomach on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2.) picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3.) Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4.) No one knows your secret place.
5.) You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6.) The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7.) The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.


Last month I almost lost it... I mean went crazy kind of lost it.
The stress of my job and lack of not spending the time I wanted with my kids was a killer for me.
So I went into my boss's office a few days later and was so worked up I cried. (I HATE doing that) But I needed to show and express to him that even though I kick ass at my job, some support would be nice or I will most likely end up quitting. I felt good after that and I have also implemented a strong testament to stop worrying or thinking about work on my weekends and after hours (Kind of hard when I get a call or text from the boss) but I try. See I am the personal assistant and processor to my boss. I tried to move from that roll into a more self sufficient loan officer roll but he wont let go of me (I see this as a compliment of course because he needs me) Since then, I have had co-workers out and I have not only been doing his job, my job, but theirs as well. I'm at the overwhelmed stage again. I work in the home-loan industry and despite the rumors, we are still full steam ahead and I am under water in loans and work.
Just this morning my boss suggested I close my office door to get some work caught up on and make my phone calls and stuff. The funny thing is (there it is again) He is the only one bugging me!! He has called me 3 times and emailed me 4 times in a matter of 10 minutes. What a joke!!!
And my boiling over point this morning was him telling me how to close a loan. I am doing a home loan for a girlfriend of mine. She happens to be buying a newly constructed home from the exact same company (builder) that he is listed as the preferred lender. The thing is she is MY referral and its "my" loan to work on. So he is trying to tell me how I am suppose to process, submit and where to close this loan!! Oh wait, that's my job! I am steaming!!! Just because he is listed as the preferred lender doesn't mean he gets them all. In the end a client can choose who they will work through for financing and since it is my girlfriend she has chosen me. I feel like he is trying to downsize me and that because this builder means everything to him that I might just not be good enough to do this one. Normally I would blow this off... but when this happens more and more than I get frustrated. It is as if my talk with him earlier about needing his support just got filed with the don't give-a-shit stuff.

Okay I had to get that out and when a co-worker sent me the above advise it was totally applying to me today!

Cuteness in a Cage

okay I'm starting this one way off track. Every time I start a new entry I usually start by typing "Isn't it funny" .. no joke, I type that almost every time and I am not sure why. I always end up deleting it and starting over because I quickly read "isn't it funny" and think about what I want to write next and it isn't funny, I don't even type it to say it like "isn't it funny when you snort milk out of your nose?" its more like a "isn't it funny the things we take for advantage". But for that to really stick as an impact statement then it isn't funny. Isn't it funny the silly little habits we have that half of the time we don't even notice?

Sparky and Cutie, that is their names. My first meeting with them was because as a single parent working full time I wanted to feel involved in my children's class at some level. At first my intentions were solely to not look like a flake parent, but I love them, they are family. Sparky and Cutie are gerbil's. Pets to Mrs. Russel's 1st/2nd grade class. Mrs. Russel is an awesome, awesome teacher. Her husband is not a fan of little creatures so come the holidays and breaks through out school Mrs. Russel looks for volunteers to take care of Sparky and Cutie. Our first time volunteering was last summer. I wasn't sure what I was suppose to do with these guys, but just like being a mom for the first time... it comes to you.
Last summer I was sent home with a phone number and a warning. Gerbil life expectancy is not a long one at all, and they could potentially pass away, if that was to happen I would call her and she would go to the pet store with my boys and they would pick out a new sparky and cutie. Well guess what, we still have the original version and now that we are in our 2nd year of bringing them into our home, watching, feeding and playing with them... I am going to be devastated if anything happens to them. I am already dreading that they will be going back to class and wont be there when I come through my front door. Almost every night I go home and open up their cage door, they peek their heads out and I usually dote a treat, they sniff my hand and outside the cage door like it is a different world. They are the cutest little guys ever and have found a place in my heart. I love their personalities.
I went to the pet store last night to pick up more food for my furry friends and left my mom and boys in the car, because I was going to make a quick trip in and out...and while I had a hard time locating the food. I admittingly took a little bit longer because I was looking at the birds, fish and other animals. It would be so fun to have some of those too. I don't want to go crazy with pets in my house, but they are just cool creatures.
If you have a child that is asking for a pet...start small. Gerbils are inexpensive, they really are not difficult to take care of and feed them your empty toilet paper rolls and watch. It is so cute to watch them turn it into bedding!

Always for Today

I'm famous for that... I live for today, worry or only think about what I need to do today, tomorrow or anything far ahead is not my forte... so I guess I carry the mark of a procrastinator too because of that.
One thing I do struggle with though is letting go of past experiences and specifically the negative ones. I know that it is the past that helps mold with the struggles or lessons or even joyous moments we have, but the ugly one's are really hard to get rid of.
So lately I find myself sharing and writing about these things that are personal, but I guess that means that healing is taking place... it is a step of moving forward to be able to accept the past and face off front and center.

"I had a problem with drugs"
"I did it because I was high"
"I don't remember because I was high"
"I didn't think because I was on drugs"
"I got angry because I was on drugs"

I have never done drugs in my life... seriously, not even pot. I'm pretty proud of myself for that too. But it also leaves me with a totally different prospective. I can't say whether someone has control over themselves and their actions when they are high, but I can tell you what affect drugs have on someone around a person that uses them or is high.
It is pretty hard to "get over" or forgive someone who was on drugs that did something terrible to you. While I can sit here and say I have forgiven this person, it's also pretty apparent that I am not over it. Aside from the lies, the missing money, the constant sickness of withdrawals... when I was punched in the side of my head I promised myself to never forget that. And although that bears no physical scar... there is an emotional one. No amount of love or compassion for a person can make you overlook a fault like that. Even though this person is no longer on drugs and the excuse for doing something so inexcusable is because of drugs... Ultimately I see it as a choice. He chose to do drugs.

I still talk to this person. I hang out with him and even adore him. I am watching him be the person I wanted him to be for 3 years. I hear apologies and I hear promises... but it is hard. I struggle every time I talk or hang out with him with a fear that he could go right back to being that guy I knew most.... an addict.

He is in a treatment class, and at first he was there because he had to, and he hated it. I got a different feedback from him yesterday though. I wanted to cry. It truly was amazing to see him change so much and in a positive way.
The most influential person in that class is not the teacher... its another "classmate" who on some level had done the same thing as him. The class is over a year term. So you meet with this same group all the time, you get to hear the same stuff, day-in and day-out... I am sure it is annoying and it gets old.
Up until a month ago he still had comments of resistance about this class. He "didn't learn anything from it" and "didn't care what the other people did".
Then there was Dwayne. Dwayne is homeless. This he knew not only by the apparent appearance of Dwayne but because he saw him around town outside of class walking the streets with his pop-cans. He expressed several times before how he felt bad for the guy and wanted to give him money, but because they were in the same class he was embarrassed. This week Dwayne no longer has to attend the class. He has graduated.
And when someone has completed the course there is something they need to do. It is a statement of accountability. They need to present in front of the rest of these people what actions brought them to that class and what the class and/or other things have helped them over the past year.
Dwayne, is homeless, but he shows up to class every week. Dwayne is homeless but every week is grateful for the things he has. Recently Dwayne was given a small room in someones residence to sleep. He expressed his gratitude for having a mattress and being able to watch TV. What is practically an everyday staple to most is his gratitude.
This experience has brought humility to a person who a year ago didn't give a shit.

To Love and Honor

How about to be Adored... respected...
I have been thru enough in my relationships to know what I want, and lets face it... most women suck at expressing this want in the right way to our husbands, boyfriends and significant others. We have to literally come out and tell them exactly what we want, they don't figure it out with our "helpful hints"... after all they are human and just men (not downsizing men... really, but admit half of the male population if not more falls into that). But coming out and telling you ruins the way we as women want our breath taken away in surprise. There is nothing to go back and share with our girlfriends or co-workers about this awesome person they know and love.
For me and I think the majority of women it doesn't need to cost much, because the thought of having a guy do something for us without being asked or told is HUGE.

I have a co-worker who went on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks with her husband to Italy and Greece. Kick ass jealous am I.
When she returns with her picture's, adorable wardrobe and gorgeous tan.
We all assumed that she was spoiled and adored to the hilt by her husband. They have been married for 10 yrs and the trip alone would make most women envious.
So as I lean in to hear the romantic walk on the beach, dinners, and gondola ride stories I hear a different story, I see her face turning pink and tears forming in the corner of her eyes. She confesses that while the trip was fun and most certainly an amazing memory that it wasn't romantic in the least. I try and fetch more information from her asking her if she realized they have nothing in common by spending that much time together. She deflates that instantly insisting that they have a ton in common, but that the entire trip was like she was with her brother. They got along really great, but there was not a romantic dinner to be had. A fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant in an amazing city yes, but not one I love you. Sex yes, but not love-making.
Just again today She was telling me how much she hates her brother in law, and not that the guy is a jerk or anything, but because he adores her sister to the ends of the earth and she is absolutely jealous that her husband doesn't do that for her, so she has opted to hate the guy for doing exactly what she wants for herself. I suggested she talk to her husband, tell him these things. But she says she cant, she isn't sure it will come out right. Sad, I know.
So as I watch these 2 crumble because one is oblivious to the wants of the other and the other remains silent and miserable, I see something happening in their future that probably should not have ever happened if she would say something and he took her wants into consideration.
I have someone who wants to adore me, respect, love and honor me... I am hesitant to take it though. There was a past already that spelled disaster and now somehow I am suppose to think it will be different.
One never knows what they had until it is gone.

Do I know you?

I got a email today that was from a friend who usually only sends the "fwd" ones. Typically they are good though and as I was reading it, it backed up exactly what I was thinking about for the past few days. Below is a phrase on the email that was sent to me.

There are four things you can not recover.
The stone...after the throw.
The word...after it's said.
The occasion...after the loss.
The time...after it's gone.

I always try and think of what is going on in someone else's life...walk in their shoes if you will. It's makes you think twice about how you would react to a word or action. For instance over Christmas I selected a family for 12 days of Christmas that I saw as an amazing family and even though I didn't know them very well and they were not a family I would probably associate myself with I knew just how much they needed to know that they were a great family. In fact earlier I judged them too quickly. In the beginning of the school year scouts had just began and it was orientation night. One family stuck out like a sore thumb, the mother had no control over her children and she was loud and didn't seem to care that people were watching her yell at her kids with no care. She appeared to be a horrible mother. All the while the father sat there like he saw or heard none of this.
I later found out her son is autistic, she is just a loud spoken person by nature and a wonderful person around kids. She has a very creative touch and is the first to step up, volunteer and give a helping hand.

I will always remember the actions of a complete stranger, who I will always remember and who left a mark in my mind. It is quite an eye opener what humans will do for others.

* The teenage girl in the grocery store:
I was a young mother with my first newborn child. Our house needed groceries bad, I ventured to the store and spent way to long up and down the aisles so when it came time to pay for the groceries my young newborn had had enough of his car seat and was screaming at the top of his lungs. He was my first and I didn't want people staring at me, let alone I couldn't stand to see him suffer. I struggled to bag my groceries and sooth him the best I could, I felt as if the people in the line behind me were frustrated with the situation too... I was embarrassed and just wanted out of there. Then up comes a girl without saying much to me she starts bagging my groceries, I smile gratefully and was able to calm my child down. The girl's mother came up to her daughter because they were done with their needs in the store and she instructed the daughter to come with her. The daughter simply explained that she was helping me and that her mom could help to. I watched her mother set the pizza down and help her daughter with my groceries. I couldn't believe it! I cry to this day to think of the selfless act of that girl, who no doubt impressed me,her mother and the others around her to help someone in need. I am sure she has NO idea how much I appreciated that and still 9 years later she still has an impression on me.

Flashback

I still remember every detail like it was yesterday, and when I say his name I still can not say it or talk about him without crying.
Death is a weird thing, well maybe not weird, but it is so unknown and there is alot of grey areas. When someone close to you dies you know there were bad or not-so-great moments that you experienced with them or heard them telling you, but when they are no longer around, you can only think of how amazingly wonderful that person was, all the good, selfless acts, the hugs, laughs and comfort of knowing they were around.
It was February 18th, 2006 at 1:30 in the morning my doorbell rang. I was in a dead sleep and not even my dog barked. I sprang out of bed instantly grabbed my bat and went to the front door. I had someone in my bed that wasn't suppose to be there and in the back of my mind I was wondering what he was doing. I mean who else knocks at your door at 1:30AM? I look through the peep hole and asked who it is. "Tualatin Police Department" I slowly open the door to see just one police officer at my door. I knew they were not there for 'him'. The officer apologizes for waking me and announces that I have a family emergency as he hands me a small piece of paper with a name and number on it. My heart sank I knew what it was... I must have done something as I heard him say those words as he asked me if I was going to be okay and if I needed him to stay why I made the call. I stuttered and scrambled to go for my phone... .mumbling to myself questioning why they didn't call me, I have a phone why didn't they call me? The officer said he didn't know and asked again if I was going to be okay. I told him I needed to go to my phone and quickly shut the door. I ran back to my room to find him standing in my closet behind the door with his hand over the dogs mouth as to not cause attention. He kept asking me what they wanted, solely out of concern for himself at that moment. "it's bad, I just know it... it's my dad". I didn't officially know it because the piece of paper had one name and one number on it. Nancy. She was my brothers wife. So it could have been anyone in my family.

A thousand things were racing through my mind as I drop to the floor by the wall to reach for my cell phone it was only a few feet from my bed and I was still wondering why I had not heard it. I looked at the screen. 5 missed calls, 3 new voice mails. Shit! This is bad.
I call Nancy, she has a very soft spoken, sweet voice, but I couldn't hear any emotion come out of her voice. She tells me to call my moms cell phone. I hang up and quickly start dialing my mom and the guy who shouldn't be there is standing in the corner still asking me what is going on. I don't answer him.
The phone picks up, the first thing said was my name. and not like a are you sitting down way of saying someones name, but a where the hell have you been way.
I just tell him to tell me. "it's dad" .... I know its dad just tell me! I scream at him."dad died". I drop, my whole body drops, my phone drops, I can't sink far enough to the floor... I'm numb and in shock, then suddenly tears. So many tears as I try and listen to my brother tell me what happened. "J is coming to get you, he should be there soon. We tried getting ahold of you, but finally we decided we needed to have the police come and make sure you were okay too." I don't know why I didn't hear my phone?!!I kept repeating this. right then I feel arms across me, he doesn't know what to do, but he has never seen me cry like that... He just tries to hold me.
I get off the phone with my brother and listen to the voice messages on my phone. I can hear the panic in my brothers voice and I can hear a lot of activity going on in the back ground. I learned later that all that noise was the EMT's working on my dad. The last 2 messages were both my mom, broken up, I couldn't get all the details, but she was trying to give me updates and pleading with me to call her.
My brother is at my door. I grab him and he holds me tight as we cry in each others arms. He notices out of the corner of his eye that "he" is there. I try and explain, but it wasn't the moment nor was it important anymore. I have my makeup bag (I know vain) and my bible. Its funny the things a person thinks to get at a time like that. I had no need for either. I get in my brothers car and "he" is driving behind us in mine. My brother is listening to Enya. I didn't know what to say, I asked him for more details, he tells me he was there when dad dropped and how he went fast. My brother tells me he brought dads phone and he wants me to open it up. the picture on the main screen was a picture of me. It was right then I knew why I didn't hear my phone, there was a plan, gods plan maybe, my fathers? I wasn't supposed to know right away. My dad always worried about how much I worried about him and his health.
We arrived at my moms I walk through the door there are quiet looks, some are at "him" with inside inquiries as to why he is there, but nothing is spoken about it. I see my mom sitting on the couch... my fathers oversize ring on her petite finger. His glasses and wallet next to her on the table. It was all to surreal. He isn't going to come down the hallway from the back rooms to greet me. He is gone.
I started cleaning. I cleaned until 730am, then my mother sent me home to rest.

A Fabulous "Wii"kend

We did it... we joined the ranks of the thousands of Harry Potter fans, we stood in line until our legs were going to fall off for the midnight sale of the final book. Kace hasn't read all the books... we have however seen all the movies that are out though and he has been a loving wizard fan for years. Normally I would do my best to wiggle out of such a parent torture as standing in line for hours for a book that was sure to be available during normal muggle hours, but for one great kid, for one special occasion we did it. Kace turned 9 at the stroke of midnight, the minute Harry Potter was flying off the shelves we did a count down for a year older. He received birthday greetings from those around him and it was a great memory for him. We Finally got through the everlasting line and started home at 2am!... yep from 8pm to 2am... I don't think he can ever say I don't love him, that was pure sacrifice for me...as I enjoy my sleep and like to maintain a 9pm bedtime.
The following day we continued the day with "boy-stuff".. playing in the arcade, a game of lazertag and a trip to the pet shop to adore the cute dogs and other things boys think are cool.
I always knew the day I gave up looking for the Nintendo Wii that we would fall upon one to finally own. It just so happened that it made my son feel like his birthday was the luckiest of all. There was a game store next to the pet shop, and they were having a game competition. The boys went in to see if they had any Wii's and of course check out the competition. The store would typically be out of the Nintendo Wii's just like everyone else, but they received a special shipment for this competition and there was 2 left. It didn't take much for the gleam in the eyes of my wonderful boys to do what I knew I had to do. We quickly took home our purchase and have been enjoying it since.
The boys had a great weekend and it was nice to spend some fun time with them. Not to mention feeling like the "coolest" mom ever.

Kace is a great kid. He is sensitive to the feelings of those around him, he loves reading, space, chess, Harry Potter, playing in the water, the color green, building Lego's and leaving his hair long.
yep, I'm a pretty lucky mom too!

5 O'Clock Somewhere

So really it is 3 in the afternoon... A Wednesday at that I might add. This has been a week where I could've used a Friday 2 days ago, sure it is only 2 days away now but it seems like 2 weeks. A few signs I need a vacation....

* Drinking (and looking for a good reason to drink)
* Sneaking out 30 minutes early every day
* taking longer than an hour for lunch
* Going home and having no energy but the craving of my bed

I am spent... the work gets done and love the work I do and the people I work with, I just really want to spend time with my boys, enjoy the "Dog days of Summer" and oh yeah stay up late and sleep in.

So I was staring at a file way to long when a bright idea came over me, why not make it 5 0'Clock! a week ago I was in desperate need of an alcoholic kick... Conveniently located across from my office building is a liquor store (they had a good plan) I decided my lunch would be a *Vanilla Coke*. I am a Vodka girl...

My stash has been left alone...what great co-workers =)
I snuck back to the small kitchenette in the office and slipped a little vanilla vodka in my coke. I'm feeling better already.

Back in the Rain of Things

Its raining today, a little muggy but not too bad and rain is a good change in the middle of summer? I guess anyway.... What other state interrupts your 100 degree weather with cool rain spouts?

So last night I found a box that appeared to be of antique status. I open it up to discover slides... all slides of my mom, her family when she was younger and her father. Her father that died way too soon ... I think she was 5 (I always get the age wrong) but none the less she was young, too young to remember all the butterfly kisses and too young to ever get to experience the daddy/daughter anythings. I have only seen maybe one picture of my biological grandfather before so it was cool to look at these pictures, he loved the outdoors and the pictures in these slides were beautiful, gorgeous scenery so that led into my mom looking up on the Internet some of these places she went to time and time again when she was a child. I saw her sitting on this computer, reading off all these places and showing me pictures..... it made me think about how she would converse with my father about this. She obviously was delighted to share the places she grew up experiencing.

I could at that moment sense her need to want to express more, to maybe sometimes poor her heart out, but to who? She has kept her feelings, her deepest thoughts, fears and expressions pretty much to herself. I don't see her cry it out much, only sometimes she will tell me that she had a rough night or cried at something, but after it was done. I suggested to my mom that she should blog. She is on the Internet a lot and my personal feelings is that she needs to be able to express her feelings in a healthy manner. She claims she doesn't write, but you don't have to be a writer to be a blogger I explained. you simply need something and sometimes nothing to write about. For her she is a widow, her heart left this earth too soon. She misses him more than anyone including myself will ever know. She could write all the things she wanted to get out, ramble if you will. It is healthy and I have read enough blogs to know that it is the sanity piece for most. I showed her mine... okay, so I don't get into the nitty gritty of my life, my inter most thoughts but it doesn't mean I don't want to. I am actually wanting someday to write a book and if I share now then there will be no personal experience ideas for my book :)

I also have a hired, professional quiet room where I go once a week to verbally vomit what ever is on my mind and I am revived, ready to take on the next hour, day, week before the next time I get to experience more crap to vomit out. Thanks for that Michal!

Mom,

I know it is hard to express deep, personal feelings. You don't even have to go there, but I strongly encourage you to experience a bold expression of yourself. Talk about your dog, your grandchildren, and even your pain in the rear grown children :)

I hope anyone who reads this will help me... any comments of support you may have for my mom please leave them.

Will Work For Food
Okay, well I admit I don't even see ones that read that anymore. Most are quite humorous or flat out honest... "why lie I need a beer", really that could be a lie, maybe the holder of that sign knows that the majority of passer-bys are thinking that anyway and what ever it takes to get you the change to buy your next meal.
Lets touch this subject for a minute, I have already hit Immigration so I might as well go down the list... and as a side note, I have never seen a Mexican on the side of the road begging for money... on a street downtown maybe where all the construction businesses know if you need a cheap hand for a day to go pick up one, but they work and work hard if even for that one day because they want that money just like the other 15 or 20 of them standing on the corner with them.

I have never met a true homeless person, I have heard stories that they make bank standing on the corner all day long, but I have never seen a true rags to riches story, and how much is "bank" when you don't have a home? so you need to rent a hotel for a night and eating out all the time because there isn't a home to cook a meal or keep groceries at for that matter.... what is the price it would take to have someone either down on their luck as the saying goes or flat out Lazy get back on their feet to be able to take a shower everyday, have a full time working job, a place to rent and transportation?... that isn't something anyone can establish overnight.
So lets just put it out there if you don't like them doing it, leave your window rolled up, don't look at them, don't give them your spare change and continue to drive on by. it isn't like he is standing in front of your house asking YOU specifically to give it to him.

I have spare change, and even a few dollar bills hanging around solely for this purpose. I don't care if they are going to take my one dollar to go get high, if they are going to do it, they are going to find a way to do it. I'm not god and I am not the ultimate judge come judgement day. I can only give a little something of what they dont have. Did you ever think what it takes for a person to stand on a corner and lose their pride, to be humiliated in the thoughts of those passing them. I have my comfortable heated/air conditioned car and house with a yard for my kids to play in, food to feed us and the comfort of knowing where my next check not to mention meal is coming from.
I always wonder what gets them to the point where they have become homeless, was it an addiction (of any sorts) or were there circumstances that spiralled in a negative affect. The saying is it takes anywhere from 6 months to a year to fully recuperate financially from a month of no pay/ no work. so imagine that month after month. And sure there are resources that can support and help the homeless, but when you think about the numbers there is never enough. Even if someone thinks it would be easier to stand on a street corner, I would guess that once they ventured out to try it, they would discover the grass wasn't any greener.
This is soley my thoughts and opinion, I guess that is what makes being human such a great experience, but for those of you who sit back and think this world is falling apart and there is nothing anyone can do about it... your wrong. The little things do help.

Follow the Leader

Okay so I am going to do what everyone else with a blog is doing...writing about the 4th. Lame I know, but you don't have to read this...
I enjoyed the day for the most part, initially I was bitching because it was in the middle of the week, but really yesterday put a good break in this week. I did exactly what I have been dying to do... spend time with my family.
I busted out my cleaning skills, put the house in tiptop shape so others think I actually live like Monica from the tv show Friends. I was ready to host. Then the door opened and it all disappeared. My oldest sister has 3 girls and 1 boy, they are commonly known as the rat pack in my family. Ripping through the house and leaving disaster where ever they have been. I was filling up some water balloons for the kids and my brother grabbed some of the ones that were filled and announced he was going to "peg" the rat pack. A few minutes later Kace my oldest comes to me wanting more... I hand off the newest batch of readied balloons. Once I was done filling them all (and the demand was greater than supply) I went to join in this wet war. My niece, who is old enough to know they may have been more in numbers were not superior to the agility of the grown ups, hands me her last balloon... it was then I knew what I needed to do. I stand on the porch, pretending to be a spectator, my brother takes a break a few yards away. I make my mark and I was more on target than I think I ever wanted to be. Now even though the throw felt good and the fact that I pegged him so perfectly on the side of his face, I felt horrible. The water balloon carried so much force that it knocked his glasses off his face and I quickly felt a deep burning go thru my body. It was the glare from my brother, crap, I was screwed. I looked for a safe cover, there was no way I was out running him and even though I gained a little ground for defending the kids I was now in direct fire of this. All I could find was my mom, it was going to have to do... I hid behind her like a little child scared of a relative coming to give kisses, it worked out okay I ended up with water down my entire back, but I saved my face from the equal revenge I just gave my brother and that was good enough for me.

My brother carries the male stereo type in ever degree, fireworks was one of them. He loved them and had to have a lot of them... So we compared and shared. Kace is more of a mellow child and looking at family pictures or reading is just as entertaining if not more than fireworks, but Cris was a mini me to my brother, walking around with a lit punk in his hand... lighting them in his hand and them throwing them, over-all he was fairly safe and acted fairly mature about the handling of the fireworks. Between my brother and Cris though I was exhausted and happy when we were out.
Yesterday truly was a great and enjoyable day.

Mental Break or just a break down?

When does life become so overwhelming that one just feels they have gone over the limits? Or knows what ones limits are for that matter... just when you feel like you can not handle anymore or go any further, something manages to pull it or make it go that extra bit but the feelings are that things are not moving forward. I'm stuck... the stress has bubbled over. I sat back through the beginning of this year thinking I just needed to get through the school year with the kids, that I just needed the summer break to breath and slow down, But every time I am turning around I have more and more over filling this cup of responsibility.

Michal asked me Friday what I was doing for me... I can come up with quick little blurbs of I went out and drank for a bit with a friend, or I got my hair done... but I knew what he meant.
Nothing, was my response.. I have done nothing for me. I have been taking off every other weekend when the boys go to their dads, I take a small overnight road trip to stay in a hotel with no contact, no responsibilities...just being spontaneous and doing things at whim. It is short lived though and the next day it is all over and hardly a memory is left standing when I return to the constant needs of those around me.

I felt as if I was going crazy this weekend, like I was officially losing it. I saw all my sanity and reasoning flash in front of me... I wanted to grab it... pull it back and get my self together but it was scrambled, going all over the place. I couldn't make it happen. I don't want to answer my phone, I don't want to email a friend, I don't want to talk to anyone. I am so independent I want to take all this garbage in... process it, sort through it and get it together... I feel as though I am officially losing it. I know I need to do something for myself, something where the stress and the worries will subside enough for me to regain the strong ground I had, to feel in control again and sort through things issue to issue.
This is an obvious sign I need a vacation from the very demanding job, and to spend time with my boys who are only getting older. I can only think of the song "Cats in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin. How true it is, and after losing my dad do those words have more affect than ever.

Crossing the line and the border

I'm not one for joining the commotion of obvious public and national disputes, one that is a little more personal than most I feel I need to pipe in my 2 cents on though.
Immigration... yep, I went there.
Like a large amount of our successful population I work hard for the things I have, I give when I feel the need and urge to give, I am patient to wait my turn in line, I follow the laws and I pay my taxes. Immigration is its own planet of issues, it is a diagram with one big circle and in the middle it reads immigrants than little lines draw from the middle circle to other bubbles around it that display other topics/issues and those have lines with bubbles breaking down those issues. I wont go near the Presidents approach to handling this, as that will only distract me to in the wrong direction. I do however want to address how immigration affects me on the smaller scale, the personal level.
If you look in the top right hand of this blog there is a picture of my 2 favorite things... Kace is almost 9 and Cris is 7. My children are American, they were born and raised in America, as was I. Their father however was not. He came to the states at the age of 17 from a small city approx. 3 hours away from Guadalajara... his documents all the way down to the birth certificate were a fake. I met him when we were both 18. We married at the age of 20. We went thru the process of legalizing his status in the United States. He has applied for his citizenship this year.
Last night the boys were talking to me about their side of the family that are at risk, who did not complete the appropriate steps to be legal. I don't want to go as far and say they are innocent or that they don't deserve to be here, as that side of the family has been here for 10+ years and their fear and procrastination have them hiding in their homes now. It is obviously more difficult to get legalized, regardless of how long you have lived here, how long you have worked and up held status to be a good member of society. They have not committed crimes to their fellow neighbors, they have learned English and work just as hard to put food on their table and a roof over their heads. I know them, I know that they embrace their lives and the blessing of being able to live a little bit better and offer better for their children in the USA. The past few months they have had to sit their children down, their children who are also American citizens by right of being born here, and explaining to their children that one day their jobs or the store they are shopping at could be raided and they may not see them for a long time if ever again. It is a harsh reality for them, it is scary and devastating. They like Martin Luther King have dreams of being just like us, they messed up by not getting the proper paperwork, they know this... But it is hard to say that the ones who speak English, who work hard and pay their bills are being punished for those who sell drugs, rape, steal, and murder.
The United States is an accepting home to many cultures and walks of life, allowing us to share this with those who want to give back and make something for themselves and a good name for their culture. We have white trash, we have gangs, criminals and we have individuals in leadership positions who have taken advantage of their power and the freedom they have all the way from politicians to businessmen to religious leaders. We cant do anything but lock them up, but we do not make the rest of society pay the same debt as them for their choices. So why are we doing this to our immigrants?

Desperate Delaware

I have a friend, an unsuspected friend... we are not 2 peas in a pod nor are we inseparable, as we have not seen or nearly talked to each other for over 10 years until 6 months ago. It seems as though we are a million miles apart in lives and worlds. It gives me a perspective how different every person is and how they choose to live their lives or even as much only know how to live their lives from what they were taught, brought up around and grew up in. I only know brief stories of my friend but she is still my friend and a person worth being a friend.

1o years ago I wrote a letter home from Alabama, in Boot Camp... The letter was to my parents and I was in my first week of Boot Camp, I was having a rough time adjusting and I wanted to describe in great details to my parents the things I was going through. The Letter explained that we are each assigned a "Battle Buddy" someone we train with, and do everything with to teach us to work as a team and rely on others... My "Battle Buddy" arrived. I felt doom come over me as I eyeballed her up and down and it wasn't a long way up as my descriptive words in this letter to my parents were pretty right on...."She is short, fat and I want to punch her" I knew the moment I saw her that she was the weaker link and for that, my days in Boot Camp were going to be hell. I was a city girl, she was a farm girl...there wasn't a more opposite pair. Funny how 6 months of training can make a person grow on you.

She is a friend more in my thoughts than most others, she left an unsuspecting mark on me that has changed the way I see people. 10 years ago I judged her for her appearance and where she was from, today She is the strongest, funniest and most spirited person I know.

So to the woman who changed my life, who sends me a text message every day checking up on me and who always keeps things interesting you are one amazing person and you will always have a friend way over on the other side of the states. Hang in there for what life hands to you, may god bless you for the things you do for others and continue to live and love life for what it is.

God Created the Heavens and the Earth....

and I created a tween! My oldest son Kace is almost 9... not even in double digits and I am feeling the doom that lurks with warnings of preteen and even teenage attitude. I can hear the echo of my parents telling me my kids will be like me (that scares me). My latest invention to my own demise is a text messaging creature. I, myself text A LOT... I text standing in line at starbucks, the gas station and admittingly when I drive, but since I have been an idiot of distraction and actually slammed into the back of a bigger vehicle than mine I try and limit my multitasking to radio changing, coffee drinking and other quick small tasks and save the text messaging for 'waiting in line' moments or traffic lights. I text approximately 600+ messages a month, sometimes I am not even sure how I can do that much and I am sure there is worse out there, but this takes me back to my earlier bracketed comment about how my parents told me my off spring would be like me... I fear the bill that is already a paper weight will need extra postage for it to be mailed out from now on. At least twice a day I get a text message from him that simply reads "hi mom". I would like to think this will grow old and be a phase, but it is a long phase and until something Cooler comes along in technology I am stuck with my phone going off. It does beat the multiple 20 second phone calls of a kid too distracted to talk, I can now just text him and he can take 2 seconds to respond.

So going down my list of "tween" experiences...
*growing hair long
*talking back
*growling at me and slamming door
*telling me nothing is wrong when obviously something is wrong
*visiting the principles office 1 too many times
*always wrapped up in electronic games
*annoyed beyond reason with younger brother

I am sure this is just the start of a list that will only get tedious to keep up to date, I'd like to think I am ready... but when is anyone really ever ready.